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Thread: Hospitality

  1. #1
    filling some space UnitOfPopulation's Avatar
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    Default Hospitality

    I've always offered good food and drink to my guests, but I can't help to think how demeaning it is. I feel that a good gesture like giving them many drinks, food, etc. is the same as telling, "I'm not worth your time unless I invest in you". Where ever I go, people usually run a more tight budjet and hardly offer anything. I think they're real cheapskates or just outright inhospitable.

    I don't feel good with any of this anymore. So, gimme your worst! Ideas how to handle this.

    I'll tell a few off the top of my head.

    #1
    Sign in the house entrance: guests are required to bring their own food & drink.

    #2
    Enjoying my own food & drink, describing their tastes and telling how I have them and they don't.

    #3
    Hi Pertti! What you're doing today? Great! How about you come over to our place and eat & drink anything you've brought with you?
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  2. #2
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    uhhh...what?
    -end of thread-

  3. #3
    filling some space UnitOfPopulation's Avatar
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    What what?

    Oh, and do I have ideas!

    #4
    handing a menu to a guest who asks something to drink

    #5
    listing the price of items on a poster

    no, really, I'm kidding. But, don't you see where I'm getting at?
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  4. #4
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    not really. are you just imagining scenarios that would be horribly rude/implausible? I'm not sure what you're getting at.

    You said you dislike the idea of offering drinks and food because it's demeaning, and then said you think people who don't are cheapskates.

    the whole post confuses me.
    -end of thread-

  5. #5
    filling some space UnitOfPopulation's Avatar
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    Well, my natural habit is to be generous, and I have so far considered non-generous people to be cheapskates, but I'm starting to re-evaluate my position. I'm starting to see that people who think highly of themselves expect to be offered all kinds of things, while they themselves don't want to offer much. They seem to think that I owe them something to just enjoy the pleasure of their company. Now, this is just a theory, a twisted theory perhaps, but it's bothering me. Seeing hospilatity in that light, it feels demeaning to me to continue offering them food & drink if it just works to boost their ego about how important they are etc. This is a huge exaggeration, but I told it this way to make my point clear.

    Then comes the disclaimer. I'm not really overly serious in this matter. I'm still thinking this, though. Now, back to real business: I'd want to set things straight so my friends would no longer expect me to pay most of the stuff.

    There's a truth to what I say. Women often expect men to pay for dinner & whatever they enjoy during the date, because women are more desirable partners of the two. They are worth more. So, the less worthy person has to pay in order to enjoy the other person's company. The truth is, I just absolutely hate being even slightly subordinate to anyone, and I'm seeing the power struggle of who offers what to whom. Now I'm talking about my friends, rather than women, but it's the same thing.

    Come on. It's just bloody annoying to continue offering anything to anyone who doesn't even thank about it. I would love treating them like scum, just to drive my point home. No, I have self restraint, I wanna tell my point and still keep my friends. I'd rather do it in a funny way.

    I'm not seeing how this thing is heading anywhere near the funny sector.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  6. #6
    On a mission Usehername's Avatar
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    It was not long ago that men were paid a significantly higher wage than women just because they were men. My grandma went to grad school to be a librarian, and the guy who never finished high school and drove the mobile library between rural towns significantly outearned her. We're only just emerging out of the single income breadwinner is man woman stays home barefoot & pregnant in the kitchen and away from the men's politics and intellectual conversations era.
    No one I know expects that anymore (well, if a guy asked me out on a date I'd expect the first date paid for, but similarly if I asked a guy out I'd expect to be paying for the first one).

    And why don't you just ask your friends to host next time and then adjust your sharing quality to that of your friends' level? Perhaps they don't even want you to go to the effort of nice food and only want your company. Maybe this is an eat to live v. live to eat incompatibility.

    I have subsisted off of bowls of cereal for months at a time because I don't care about food, and feel guilty when people make an effort to make me a nice meal because I know they expect me to care, but I'd have been blissfully happy with PB&Js. Jock here has said he'd eat toothpaste if it fulfilled his nutritional requirements, and for the amount of time I'd save I'd do the same!
    *You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
    *Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.
    C.S. Lewis

  7. #7
    Senior Member guesswho's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Santtu View Post
    I've always offered good food and drink to my guests, but I can't help to think how demeaning it is. I feel that a good gesture like giving them many drinks, food, etc. is the same as telling, "I'm not worth your time unless I invest in you". Where ever I go, people usually run a more tight budjet and hardly offer anything. I think they're real cheapskates or just outright inhospitable.

    I don't feel good with any of this anymore. So, gimme your worst! Ideas how to handle this.

    I'll tell a few off the top of my head.

    #1
    Sign in the house entrance: guests are required to bring their own food & drink.

    #2
    Enjoying my own food & drink, describing their tastes and telling how I have them and they don't.

    #3
    Hi Pertti! What you're doing today? Great! How about you come over to our place and eat & drink anything you've brought with you?
    lol tell that to a Fe dom.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Jaguar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Santtu View Post
    There's a truth to what I say. Women often expect men to pay for dinner & whatever they enjoy during the date, because women are more desirable partners of the two. They are worth more. So, the less worthy person has to pay in order to enjoy the other person's company.
    To me, it's called being a gentleman. I would never let a woman pay for dinner. It has nothing to do with who has more worth, or who is more desirable. Your post reads like some type of twisted transaction rather than having dinner with someone you're truly interested in.

    What is your real point to all this?
    Do you think you have no redeeming qualities and people are just using you?

  9. #9
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  10. #10
    Senior Member Survive & Stay Free's Avatar
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    I think I know what you mean, I knew some people when I was at university the first time who had some pretty weird norms of exchange almost preparing meals of approximate costs for one another, it got a little strange to be honest and I was thankful I wasnt part of it because I remember one guy who felt he'd been short changed after making pancakes for two other guys eating this guys ham and baps out of his cupboards while he was in the bathroom.

    I was also subject to a terrible scenario in which this guy I shared a house with invited a largish group of people to dine at the house, he did a last minute shop for a lot of the things which where used in the meal, although got money from me and I think others for it and having done all this sprung it on myself and another guy that we would have to do all the food preparation and it was a meal I'd NEVER prepared before. This guy used this to try and create a situation in which he felt everyone else owed him and was obligated towards him. Really didnt like how that played out.

    Myself, I see hospitality as being like gift relationships, Marcel Maus' book on this is really a solid presentation of what I feel about gifts, he researched a lot of different cultures and contexts and found that all gift giving and receiving had an implicit reciprocal obligation involved, it was expected that you would give back, it was expected that you would compete to give a better gift than you would receive. After reading this I became more conscious of something I think I'd always been conscious of, that I'd keep my own generosity in check because I could inadvertantly shame or embarrass the recipiant of any act of giving.

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