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  1. #1
    Junior Member Bokeh's Avatar
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    Default My fear of giving in to the self. on love

    I'm really not sure my MTBI type. over the past 10 or so years I've taken tests (nothing clinical) an each times it come up with INTP. I don't know how much faith I put into that because its eazh to skew the results. I never really answer too many questions to either extreme, and it seemed there are allot of questions that my answers would depend on the situation I am in at a given moment

    Thats why I am not putting this in any "type" forum. Hopefully I'm posting in the right place. I don't write alot, especially about my thoughts or feelings, so pardon the jumbleness that may follow.

    I'm afraid to be vulnerable, but I think deep inside I want to give in to certain things that will make me vulnerable.

    I want to live life and not chase after things. even if I don't know what those things are, I feel as if I am constantly searching in thought. searching anywhere except where I am or what I am doing at the time. On one hand I am happy being single because I feel that I need to learn to love myself better, and if I were to get into a relationship sometime again, it will not be because my mind is on the search, but it will probably just happen if it were meant to be. If I were to get in a relationship right now, I would jsut ignore some of this self improvement I want for myself, and I would just be content with the external object to love.

    I always feel as if I were to give in to something, I would miss out on another thing. That makes me never really focus on what it is I am currently doing. So, I rarely feel as if I am enjoying life as I should be.


    I'm not homophobic, but there are some things I like that I've been accused of being "gay" for liking. or at least I think people would think I am gay for doing/liking.

    I like romantic things, but it dosent seem like a guy can do romantic like things alone, even thought it seems perfectly acceptable for a female to do so. I like walking through musems just to wonder what the times were like for the people who created the art.

    I really like photography, but get self consipous when ever I am out in public trying to get photographs/ so much to the point where I cant even get lost in the art and capture the expressions I want. I end up just taking snap shots most of the time.

    I've been in a few failed relationships in the past. two of which resluted in having children (which I love), I rarely get to see them I live huindreds of miles away from my x's. those two relationships failed due to lack in trust, which to me, is the most important aspect in love. in the time of the breakups/divorce I was constantly being bashed for every vulnerability that I left open for them to attack. they both did it for years after the separation, and one even . enough of that though. I jsut wanted to put it out there for you to see why I may have shut in myself emotionally in one way.


    I have a very hard time making eye contact anymore. I use to be able to make eye contact without thought, and smile/not or say hi to passer by's. not anymore.

    I can still remember the last of the days I use to make eye contact. one person said so ething like 'wow, your eyes are deep, its like I can see into your soul. I need to stop looking" or some BS like that, that was from a female. that was when I was in "single mode" when I wanted nothing to do with a relationship, but really didn't try to work on myself either.

    Now, for the last year I am working on myself. it's been going O.k. in the physical part. I've moved to a different state, I've been losing weight over the past 7 months. and right now I feel as if I am in a situation where many people would drop everything to be in. But, I cant seem to realize that. I keep thinking I am missing something.

    I am starting to think that something is Love, more specifically Love of the self. As it is right now, I feel that I have no vulnerabilities out in the open, nothing for someone to use against me that I have become attached to.

    I am afraid if I were to dive into it and give it the attention it deserves I will start opening up vulnerabilities again. giving others the chance to hurt me somehow.

    Alot of the cliche things make sense at times, such as live in the now. but I cant seem to do it.

    I wonder if there are others here with advice, or have gone through similar struggles and can help me in what I need to develop in myself to be myself, let my guards down, and love life as it is.



    -thanks

  2. #2
    ThatGirl
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    Enroll in martial arts.

  3. #3
    Junior Member Bokeh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThatGirl View Post
    Enroll in martial arts.
    interesting suggestion. I'll need to check out what is around the area. I've never seen any studios though.

    I'm 40, and it might crush what little ego I have left if some 9 year old kicks my butt :ouch:

  4. #4
    ThatGirl
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    May be good for you. What I read from your post is:

    I have absolutely no confidence. I think I am a total shit, with no competence. Nothing to offer anyone or myself. And this sucks.


    Seriously no quicker way to gain confidence than to get your ass kicked a couple times and start kicking ass back. Also if you are forty the physical nature will help you build your physique, stamina, and make you feel youthful and in shape.

    Also, the people you fight with you start to respect on a very cool level. Builds camaraderie with a new group of people.

    Eventually the more capable you feel, the more all that other negative shit will sort of dissipate on its own.

    Good luck.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Those are ludicrous conclusions ThatGirl.

    Bokeh, romantic love and trust are overvalued. What you need is an adventure to conquer your fears. Somewhere abroad, somewhere you can be anybody and somewhere where you can self improve.

    DON'T ignore your need for self improvement. Don't sweep it under the carpet like so many people by looking for a new relationship.

    Go to Amazonia and savor some Ayahuasca or something. Or if you can't travel, just do bold things you've never done before. And look inwards. Analyze who you are and why you are who you are and what you can do to become better.

  6. #6
    ThatGirl
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    Quote Originally Posted by Moiety View Post
    Those are ludicrous conclusions ThatGirl.
    ?

  7. #7
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    "I have absolutely no confidence. I think I am a total shit, with no competence. Nothing to offer anyone or myself. And this sucks."

  8. #8
    ThatGirl
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    I am saying that is how it read to me. That the underlying factor was lack of confidence or self esteem. Completely depreciated sense of self, and an unhappiness attached to the view.

    Idk, thats how I read it.

  9. #9
    Junior Member Bokeh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Moiety
    Those are ludicrous conclusions ThatGirl.

    Bokeh, romantic love and trust are overvalued. What you need is an adventure to conquer your fears. Somewhere abroad, somewhere you can be anybody and somewhere where you can self improve.

    DON'T ignore your need for self improvement. Don't sweep it under the carpet like so many people by looking for a new relationship.

    Go to Amazonia and savor some Ayahuasca or something. Or if you can't travel, just do bold things you've never done before. And look inwards. Analyze who you are and why you are who you are and what you can do to become better.
    I currently am on an adventure of sorts, while not overbroad. I do not work for 'the man", I'm being compensated while being a"caretaker"/friend/companion for a well off family member. we do tons of things I would have never done if I hadn't quit my previous job of 13 years. but that is another topic for another post. because I am somewhat overwhelmed to the point of "thinking it will end soon" and I have been that way for the last year, and it has no sign of ending anytime soon.

    but the difficulty I am having to ejjoy the moment and make the most of the current situation is very similar to what I wrte about in the OP.

    what you say about not throwing myself into another relationship, I couldn't agree with more. it is exactly how I feel.

    as far as the Ayahuasca, well I do enjoy that kind of voyage, did it a little over a year ago. after that is when I made some changes in my life and moved out of state. But, currently I can afford the risk of doing that. at the drop of a hat it could be decided we are going to fly to somewhere, and tripping at that time would be very bad.

    I am analyzing the self now. and thats why I made this post. I'm at a sticking point. I'm afraid if I come to love myself for who I am and express it the way I want, I'll become too vulnerable. I'm afraid of shutting myself, my emotions in again like I did about 7 years ago. I stayed that way for about 5-6 years. I'm afraid if I get my vulnerabilities attacked again I may handle it harder.



    the solution seems very simple. it seems as if I were to give one small push towards going for what I feel is right that it should start a landslide effect. that everything else will just fall in place.

    but then there is the doubt, or the fear that it may be the wrong choice that is holding me back like a giant dam holding back a lake.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bokeh View Post
    I have a very hard time making eye contact anymore. I use to be able to make eye contact without thought, and smile/not or say hi to passer by's. not anymore.

    I can still remember the last of the days I use to make eye contact. one person said so ething like 'wow, your eyes are deep, its like I can see into your soul. I need to stop looking" or some BS like that, that was from a female. that was when I was in "single mode" when I wanted nothing to do with a relationship, but really didn't try to work on myself either.
    Just FYI: I commented on this item in your other thread: http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...-s-affect.html

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