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  1. #1
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    Default Ego, Anxiety, and Privacy: I Hate the YouTube Generation

    Okay, not sure where to put this and the title may be a little off.

    Basically, I am a very private person in some ways. And a loud mouth in other ways. The key is that I need to control my message. It's MY story, I decide who hears it and how and I especially control what the message is.

    I cannot STAND the idea of someone "owning" my image or words or video and using it for their pet project. And yet, yes, I'm on Facebook - even though I have a bunch of security options checked and use a fake name - I still use it.

    Today I felt pressured - by the wackiness that is my own anxiety popping mind and ego - to sign a waiver to be in someone else's documentary. I hated this for a few reasons:

    1) I was surprised. I dropped late to an event after hearing about it through word of mouth. It was a discussion group basically. When I arrived was told that we were all being filmed. That kind of surprise seems hella invasive to me. And that kind of invasiveness triggers anger in me and a self-preservational instinct.

    2) The documentarian told us what the documentary was about but no other details, didn't explain for who or what, how it would be distributed, what their message would be, etc. I am really particular about what I will show 'support' for. My ego is in my ideas and beliefs. I have a set of personal values and ethics that have formed after many years of scrutiny and deliberation and lived experience (<--yes, that's Fi talking). So, it's impossible to say that I am "okay" with participating in something before I even know what that project is!

    3) I'm a snob. There. I said it. I don't want to put my name on something that is half-assed, poorly done, or mediocre. When I took a ceramics class at a community center, I never bothered picking up the juvenile pieces after they were put in the kiln. Ditto for the glass-blowing class I took (yes, I'm random). If I'm going to make anything legit, I want it to be 100% correct and well-crafted. I do NOT, as a general rule, trust the skills of every joe schmoe I meet. ESPECIALLY as I have dabbled in writing and film making myself and have a lot of community organizing experience. When it comes to the arts, especially film or writing, many people think they are great but are REALLY NOT. I'm not even saying I am the best or am great - I actually do the opposite and consider myself to be a dilettante. When it comes to organizing, many are well-intentioned but make big messes of things At least in the present moment (you always get better with practice, right?). So yeah, I'm a total hater.

    Anywhoo, the point of tonights little story:

    At the end of the meeting I was going to just leave but got caught by the documentarian asking to sign waivers. I panicked - and panic is not a good place to make decisions from. The meeting was about GLBT visibility issues and I had spoken about the virtues of blah blah blah and so I thought it would seem hypocritical of me not to sign the waiver. Some people who are not out had already declined to sign. So, basically to show I am a team player and supportive and blah blah blah, I signed the waiver. I even gave my name and info on camera.

    Arrrrgggh. I don't even use my real name 75% of the time when I leave the house. Signing the waiver seemed like a) being naked and b) I knew I did not want to but it was that damn anxiety and fear of looking hypocritical (or cognitive dissonance?).

    So that's it in a nutshell. ^^

    I'm not really sure what I am looking for posting this. I'm just sharing.

    I want to hear any and all thoughts and feedback from people. Even if it's just to say I'm a spaz or I'm dumb. Or contemplating the nature of what it means to be a 'private' person in the YouTube generation where someone online, some kind of video with you (or at least your elbow in the shot) has been viewed by 15,642 strangers already. Or dissect what the nature of 'anxiety' is and why the need to 'match your image' is important. Or something.

    If that video goes up on YouTube I will be so pissed. I truly hate my profile and how I look in general on camera. Oh yeah, so another reason I hate being in documentaries or having my photo taken and put into projects is because I'm vain and don't like the way my picture looks.

    Discuss.

    ??

    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux

    Johari/Nohari

  2. #2
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    I totally understand, and am really weird about my visibility/privacy. I understand feeling pressured, and going along with something you regret later, but I'm afraid since he/she's got your waiver, you may not be able to do anything about it...but I think I would still email them and explain that you got caught up in the moment, but thought better of it later. Maybe you could still be edited out. Especially since there are issues of privacy related to coming out (even if those aren't your personal issues), you could play that card to get out of the doc. If you really wanted to.
    Something Witty

  3. #3
    On a mission Usehername's Avatar
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    I'd just give them a brief version of what you said here. You wanted to show your support as an out LGBT person, but you were effectively ambushed and are a private person, and thus would like to retract your waiver. Put your name, the date, and a formal sentence and they'll do it, I'm sure.

    If they pressure you and you don't want to, you don't have to cave. Decide what you're comfortable with and take action (which may be taking no action).
    *You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.
    *Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason once accepted, despite your changing moods.
    C.S. Lewis

  4. #4
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    Thanks guys! I really appreciate the feedback. I've already calmed down but still kicking myself for doing it.

    I am noticing a bad pattern of doing things I don't want to and not doing things that I do want to because of some anxiety inducing reason or another.

    Unfortunately, Usehername, my very, very bad habit is of caving in under pressure. I feel like some INXJ are naturally very good at drawing out boundaries in the sand and claiming their mental/emotional space, if that makes sense. Basically not being pushed in the moment by other people. And making decisions in the calmness of your minds.

    I can't do that.

    Tallulah, yes - I'm really almost paranoid about some aspects of my privacy. I'm like a suspicious introvert. So imagine how spastic I got once I felt "ambushed"!

    When I get hit with anxiety like that my default intellectual reasoning is to push all those feelings of panic even as they are rushing through me and affecting my response. It's total denial.

    Tonight, I tried not to think and specify about all the reasons I didn't want to sign the waiver because to really *THINK* and cogitate be rational in an emotional panic storm seems IMPOSSIBLE. And demanding a moment of time for myself to process on the spot does not come naturally to me. I get pushed way too easily by outside stimulus. Booo.

    So I end up doing the opposite of what I want to do, just to end the situation that I think is causing me anxiety.

    Bah.

    About tonight's events - I'm gonna email the woman tomorrow and ask her more details about her project and specify the amount to which I want to be in the documentary. Truthfully, I don't even think I was captured in it, because I came late and took one of the few available seats - which happened to be in the 'no film zone' that was blocked from the camera's view (no seriously). I didn't know we were being filmed or that I was in the 'no film zone' until a few minutes after I had sit down. If my face is not in any of the shots and no names will be released, it's luckily a moot point.

    And this is how spastic I get - you actually have to go ON camera and say your full name as proof you've given permission. I thought it was just signing a waiver so I signed it and then they told me I had to do that and started recording. Self-preservational FAIL.

    Or something.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux

    Johari/Nohari

  5. #5
    ThatGirl
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    Well you already signed so you are kind of fucked. I would have negotiated my terms before signing. Chances are they would have just been like "You know what? Thanks, but no thanks." Problem solved.

    Now that you are in it, keep in mind that this is a moment of your existence. You WERE participating honestly. If they distort that, that is their issue, and not representative of yourself. If they don't, more power to them. If it is poorly made, probably few people will watch it.

  6. #6
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThatGirl View Post
    If it is poorly made, probably few people will watch it.
    LOL and true.

    Or more accurately, if it's a personal project it's probably on a non-existent budget and has no distribution to speak of. Even if it were well-made, it would have a very limited release (unless they put it on YouTube )

    As someone who has dabbled in film and video myself and wants to work more in the field - it's probably evil of me to be relieved by that fact ^^in this case.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux

    Johari/Nohari

  7. #7
    Senior Member Blown Ghost's Avatar
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    Your paranoia is understandable, but what exactly are you afraid of happening here?

  8. #8
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    I don't think it's "snobbish" to want to be involved in high quality productions if your name is signed to it... and I've been involved in enough causes (social, religious, or otherwise) on the layperson/amateur level to know how bad and counter-productive some of those products can be. it was always hard to know how much to be involved and/or how much to attach my name to something that maybe in theory I should want to endorse but simply wasn't proud of.

    I would contact them if you want out. Decent people would accommodate you this early in the game. They'll just have to smear your face and remove your name from subtitles.

    I don't know if you have legal recourse now that you've given permission already, though; in the future, maybe you should just go with your feelings and say, "I want to be supportive but I didn't know you'd be filming tonight, and I don't know anything about the project that my name and face will be attached to. If you explain more to me, etc., then maybe I will feel comfortable signing."

    It must be kinda hard being so easily swayed by the events of the moment. INxx really likes to sit back and contemplate, before agreeing to things, in order to maintain autonomy and self-boundaries. But it's okay to just immediately buy yourself time in the future; don't even THINK about it, just when you feel surprised by something say, "I can't make this decision right now, I need a few minutes to go off and think about it." If they think that's rude after you've said it politely, that's their issue, not yours. Ignore the feelings and your normal way of going along and letting people across your boundaries in the organic flow; just follow this rule you have set for yourself as an automatic response and put the boundary up immediately, then let it down if you decide it's okay.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  9. #9
    Senior Member You's Avatar
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  10. #10
    Member Cephalonimbus's Avatar
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    I can certainly relate to that. You could ask to have your name removed or be omitted entirely, i suppose... i'm not sure what else to contribute here, so i'll just share an experience of my own.

    A few years ago, my (former) music school organized this little showcase event to recrute new students. My guitar teacher (who is one of the most awesome people i know BTW) talked me into playing a little diddy were working on for just one week, backed by his band, in front of an audience in a local cafe.

    What we'd been working on was basically an exercise in composition -- the exercise was that i played the first thing that came to mind, used that as a melodic theme and worked around that by adding a chord progression that fit the melody and some very basic song structure. I thought "fine, this will be a good way to overcome anxiety and be assertive for a change" and with this in mind, i decided not to flesh it out any further and just jump into it unprepared, since much of it was improv anyway.

    When it was time to actually perform, my teacher announced it as "a composition by one of my most creative students". While this was certainly flattering, it just wasn't true. It was't a composition, it was a little exercise and nothing more. Not having practised much, i was kind of sloppy too and the only part that wasn't terribly amateurish was the improv. But whatever, there were only like 40 people there and none of them were potential groupies Nor was it my intention to be any good, i was just there to overcome my fear of performing in front of an audience. I did notice a camera, but i didn't think much of it at the time.

    However, a few days later the shop/school owner told me he recorded everything to make a promotional DVD and it would all go on youtube. What an asshole! If i had known that, i would never have performed, or at least composed something that was actually more than a little sketch. The fact that the guy who performed after me turned out to be a total child prodigy who has since performed with Tommy Emmanuel and came in second in a national televised talent show, didn't exactly help either. Luckily, the DVD/youtube plans never materialized so i dodged an imaginary bullet... but it was still a bitch move not to tell this beforehand.
    ik sprokkel wat dagen, drop baggage,
    soms heb ik geen zin om die koffers te dragen,
    ik laat los, los het op, word onzichtbaar
    en geef de buitenlucht wat ruimte terug
    dus.. nu zit ik op m'n fiets alsof het niets is,
    maar niets kan toch niet uit zichzelf pedalen laten draaien?

    ~ Typhoon

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