Okay, not sure where to put this and the title may be a little off.
Basically, I am a very private person in some ways. And a loud mouth in other ways. The key is that I need to control my message. It's MY story, I decide who hears it and how and I especially control what the message is.
I cannot STAND the idea of someone "owning" my image or words or video and using it for their pet project. And yet, yes, I'm on Facebook - even though I have a bunch of security options checked and use a fake name - I still use it.
Today I felt pressured - by the wackiness that is my own anxiety popping mind and ego - to sign a waiver to be in someone else's documentary. I hated this for a few reasons:
1) I was surprised. I dropped late to an event after hearing about it through word of mouth. It was a discussion group basically. When I arrived was told that we were all being filmed. That kind of surprise seems hella invasive to me. And that kind of invasiveness triggers anger in me and a self-preservational instinct.
2) The documentarian told us what the documentary was about but no other details, didn't explain for who or what, how it would be distributed, what their message would be, etc. I am really particular about what I will show 'support' for. My ego is in my ideas and beliefs. I have a set of personal values and ethics that have formed after many years of scrutiny and deliberation and lived experience (<--yes, that's Fi talking). So, it's impossible to say that I am "okay" with participating in something before I even know what that project is!
3) I'm a snob. There. I said it. I don't want to put my name on something that is half-assed, poorly done, or mediocre. When I took a ceramics class at a community center, I never bothered picking up the juvenile pieces after they were put in the kiln. Ditto for the glass-blowing class I took (yes, I'm random). If I'm going to make anything legit, I want it to be 100% correct and well-crafted. I do NOT, as a general rule, trust the skills of every joe schmoe I meet. ESPECIALLY as I have dabbled in writing and film making myself and have a lot of community organizing experience. When it comes to the arts, especially film or writing, many people think they are great but are REALLY NOT. I'm not even saying I am the best or am great - I actually do the opposite and consider myself to be a dilettante. When it comes to organizing, many are well-intentioned but make big messes of things At least in the present moment (you always get better with practice, right?). So yeah, I'm a total hater.
Anywhoo, the point of tonights little story:
At the end of the meeting I was going to just leave but got caught by the documentarian asking to sign waivers. I panicked - and panic is not a good place to make decisions from. The meeting was about GLBT visibility issues and I had spoken about the virtues of blah blah blah and so I thought it would seem hypocritical of me not to sign the waiver. Some people who are not out had already declined to sign. So, basically to show I am a team player and supportive and blah blah blah, I signed the waiver. I even gave my name and info on camera.
Arrrrgggh. I don't even use my real name 75% of the time when I leave the house. Signing the waiver seemed like a) being naked and b) I knew I did not want to but it was that damn anxiety and fear of looking hypocritical (or cognitive dissonance?).
So that's it in a nutshell. ^^
I'm not really sure what I am looking for posting this. I'm just sharing.
I want to hear any and all thoughts and feedback from people. Even if it's just to say I'm a spaz or I'm dumb. Or contemplating the nature of what it means to be a 'private' person in the YouTube generation where someone online, some kind of video with you (or at least your elbow in the shot) has been viewed by 15,642 strangers already. Or dissect what the nature of 'anxiety' is and why the need to 'match your image' is important. Or something.
If that video goes up on YouTube I will be so pissed. I truly hate my profile and how I look in general on camera. Oh yeah, so another reason I hate being in documentaries or having my photo taken and put into projects is because I'm vain and don't like the way my picture looks.