Today I realized I really fail at relating to women. I had two women that pretty much childhood friends, and the wife of another childhood friend all playing cards with me. I was definitely the black sheep of the party, so even though I was having fun and all that, I really failed at Fe functions at the event.
Kantgirl: Just say "I'm feminine and I'll punch anyone who says otherwise!"
Halla74: Think your way through the world. Feel your way through life.
Cimarron: maybe Prpl will be your girl-bud
prplchknz: i don't like it
I've realised that event hough I'm an F, I still need a lot of development with my Fe. I don't keep in touch often enough, I don't go to enough social gatherings. I think I let good friends down because of that. I should really open up more and make myself physically available to them.
Chimera of Filth
A gruesome beast with dripping flesh
Clings to me as a sick fixture
My throbbing heart it gnawed apart
It stalks and hunts me through mirrors
I was at an impasse as to what avenue I should pursue in my life, and I just realized I am pursuing them both already without even being aware I was. Which makes me think more importantly that it is my perception of problems or obstacles that makes them what they are, not the problem or obstacle itself.
I realized... or maybe only remembered... something. I was thinking about all kinds of relations with different people, and it is funny how different they are. Relationship is something outside the people. Or between them. And it lives its own life, connected to the lives of the people involved.
The person has limited amount of control over the relationship, just as the relationship has limited amount of influence in shaping the person. In fact, you can't truly tell which one is more influential, the person or the relationship.
As far as I can see, the relationship is a balance seeking thing. Which is also what we are. Balance here doesn't mean harmony. Even a powerplay relationship is seeking balance. One side makes claims and oppresses the rights of the other, and the other will obey or counter-attack. This will result in balance of some kind. Either a balance of two bulls crossing horns, or balance through submission.
There are at least two ways to attack. Directly or discreetly. Even retreating is in a way attack, because it limits the other's influence on you, but it also limits your own influence on them.
Discreet methods seem to be usual. You let them have their way on things that are not important to you, but at the same time make claims over things that are important. Something is still wrong with this, it doesn't feel good. The relationship is becoming too controlled by both individuals. It needs certain amount of freedom to feel stress-free.
But is freedom enough? If the relationship has all the freedom, does it lose it's meaning? Is it's purpose to seek balance between individuals with agendas? Is there anything left when there are no claims to diminish the individuality of the other?
If you drop a stone in a bucket of water, the water will make way, but by doing so doesn't lose anything of itself. Is this what we are?