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Thread: Member Appreciation Thread!

  1. #101
    Intentionally Clementine Array Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AffirmitiveAnxiety View Post
    The more I experience the world the less this place calls me back, extraversion for you.

  2. #102
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    Quote Originally Posted by AffirmitiveAnxiety View Post
    The more I experience the world the less this place calls me back, extraversion for you.
    That is a relief. I don't know whether this is a common introversion issue but one forum supplants another. Even if I left I would end up in another forum or similar website and the cycle and any related underlying issues would continue.

    If seeing more of the world would break the cycle for good then when my Accountacy course is completed I may just throw my lot in and finally go travelling after many years of dithering. Thanks.

  3. #103
    i love Array skylights's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    Did you see the original post skylights? I'm assuming you did or why would you be commenting in such a way...

    So you remember how the first line went "I'm so sick of...(other members behavior.) <- Is that the genuine positive intent you speak of?

    Look...I think you all should keep on loving each other. And circle-jerking. I'm just asking that the appreciation remain separate from the blame. You know...for actual genuine positive intent.
    If you're talking about Eilonwy's post, yes, that's what I meant, but I don't remember how it started. I never saw anything negative or exclusionary. All I did was click on the link in my dashboard thingy that told me I had been mentioned and saw that Eilonwy said something nice and that made me feel appreciative because I was having a rough day at the time. And then I came back later to check the thread out and actually read her post in-depth and it was gone.

    It seems weird to me to call it circle-jerking. It's like... I dunno, it makes it sound like way more intentional and systemic than it is. The way I see it, it's just one person demonstrating kindness, and the other person receiving it and sometimes trying to reciprocate that gesture. Or sometimes it's just one person giving a compliment and the other person says thanks. Or sometimes it's one person saying something nice and the other person forgets to check their mentions and they never even see it. It's so totally not organized at all. I think basically just the same people tend to gravitate towards this stuff so they end up doing it to each other.

    I guess I just feel like sometimes people (me and you both included, that's not meant as a personal slight) attribute more intention than is originally meant. It can totally just be a stupid oops and we think someone means something by it and... welp, they didn't. And then we're left with a big conflict over what really was nothing. I think I get in trouble like this a lot because I tend to link things... and sometimes the links were accidentally created, I guess. That's why I was mentioning my relationship, because my ISFJ called me out on it, and it seems like the same thing is happening here, and happened on both sides between me and you, which I do accept blame for incorrectly assigning malintent. I don't claim any special talent in identifying it, though, that credit would go to him. I just happen to be aware of it right now because he pointed it out recently.

    Like I said, I didn't really read the original post in depth, so if there was some sort of overtone to everyone not on the list being a problem, then I missed that, but all I remember is a sort of run-of-the-mill "hey the forum seems kind of conflicty right now let's say nice things instead" sort of post. I figured the people mentioned were just people who happened to come to mind, because of proximity mostly probably. I didn't assume it meant anything beyond that and would feel surprised if it did.

    Also... I think there is a significant difference between people who stir strong feelings because they tend to be raw and exposing versus people who create negativity because they want to dump negative feelings here. I think all of us create conflict in some ways, though many actively try to make their posts beneficial to the world in some way, whether that be via insight or via harmony. I think most of us regulars fall into that category and it's mostly quickly-banned trolls who don't. And sometimes conflict just happens... I dunno, new moon, crappy economic turn, American government shutdown, whatever... or just a bunch of shitty individual situations happening to coincide... sometimes there are broad patterns that affect all of us that feed into interactions here and create unintended conflict too. We all have our bad days, but at least voiced compliments are evidence of people trying to be positive.

    So what I'm saying... is that maybe I missed something... but from what I gathered and from what I gather in the majority of "circle jerk" threads is that it's just individuals trying to make people feel good and create a better atmosphere for everyone and it's not an intentional mechanism of exclusion or blame. Like... there's no blame to separate... because as far as I'm aware... it never existed.

    All of that is obviously contingent upon there not being some super negative blast of a post that I didn't happen to see.

  4. #104
    darkened dreams Array labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Don't feel badly. This often happens with any threads showing appreciation and has nothing to do with you or the merit of the idea. I find it odd that the term "circle jerk" gets thrown at a thread like that almost immediately (I'm not referring to people in this thread - just as a general observation). As I've gotten older, I've started to notice what power there is in recognizing other people's efforts out loud and in front of others. I think back to the beginning of my time here and how much impact either a positive or negative comment had on me and on my courage to write what I thought.

    The only thing that makes me feel awkward is that there are people whom I know feel left out when they aren't mentioned, but whom I don't know well enough to personalize something positive about them, especially since I've spent less time here.

    Sometimes I wonder if the negative comments about threads like these stem more from a fear of not being recognized or mentioned (and therefore seeing it as some kind of popularity contest), rather than that it is really a terrible idea. I suppose there are those who feel awkward at being mentioned publicly, but my guess is that there are more people who appreciate it than not.

    I've taken a break from starting threads as the last couple of times I have done so, it has blown up in my face in ways that I couldn't possibly have foreseen and certainly never intended. In retrospect, I think the issue wasn't so much that I did something terribly wrong, but that it is usual for some people to have negative comments on anything someone else does publicly, and also different people will see things differently than me and that's something that I need to deal with without feeling attacked, which I sometimes find hard to do. Therefore, I don't think the issue is whether or not you make threads like this, but how much extra emotional rope you have to deal with negativity when you do so.
    It is a curiosity to me the reactions to these threads. To me it doesn't seem like it should be that big a deal either way. It can be fun to get a little notification and see someone said something nice, but it isn't the end of the world if not mentioned. I've always seen these as light and pleasant. Sometimes I feel like kindness is terrifying to people and that it feels safer to bicker and prove oneself "right" in debate. I think these threads might make some people feel vulnerable? I tend to not have a strong opinion about these because it is just another way people communicate.
    Quote Originally Posted by Grand Admiral Crunch View Post
    It might be fine for some people, but I rather not live in a world where people think it is okay for dolphins to rape each other.

  5. #105
    Anew Leaf
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    I appreciate @Nicodemus for poetry and wit and amazing avatars. And basically being the perfect man except for the gay part and me being a chick.

  6. #106
    Alchemist of life Array Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    One thing I found after awhile on the forum was that often you can take a subject that seems relatively benign and because of the personal experiences everyone brings to it which have affected them deeply, you can unwittingly step on landmines, or encounter negativity that seems unfairly harsh. As I've gotten to know different people's background stories here, it has helped me to better understand where they are coming from and not take it as personally. I think for me, the worst of it is when I get surprised by it when I was least expecting it because it makes me question my ability to read anything around me accurately and it is disorienting. While I don't know the back history anymore of a lot of members here, a few run ins like that have made me more aware than I used to be that we all come with different experiences and I need to be more sensitive to that rather than sounding too prescriptive or assuming there is one common shared experience. I think it also has helped me to not feel as horrible when people are hostile.

    The other thing I have found throughout my time on the forum is that every conflict filled exchange I have had here has ended up yielding productive results, either in understanding myself or other people better. I still dislike conflict in real life, but I think am coming to see that sometimes there is a useful purpose it serves when it does arise. It is emotionally and physically tiring for me though, and so I have found that when I do not have a lot of extra margin left emotionally, I need to limit what kinds of discussions I get into.
    When people take things personally to the point of self-censorship, it is indeed unfortunate. We cannot predict every possible response to what we post, nor should we expect to please and agree with everyone. Remember, too, that other members' reactions to what you post reflects at least as much on them as on you. Withholding something we want to share because some members may react negatively keeps that content from others who would react positively and even be helped or inspired. I am not going to make that choice or assumption for others. I share something because I feel it has value, or contributes in some way to an ongoing discussion. Obviously others may disagree, but if I'm not even sure what yardstick they are using, I cannot apply it myself, even if I wanted.

    I am sure I have contributed to conflict on the forum, by choosing to post material that I know will spark disagreement. The alternative was to keep silent to preserve some nebulous state of "harmony" that would probably just be disrupted anyway by someone else for less good purpose. That seems to defeat the whole purpose of a discussion forum, since learning from each other requires the relatively free exchange of ideas.

    The problem comes not so much when people disagree or even come into conflict, but rather when they become disagreeable or incivil in doing so. This makes the difference between productive conflict leading to greater understanding, and the proverbial tale of sound and fury, signifying nothing. It is easy to make assumptions about someone else's intentions, and easy to assume wrong. It is better and more productive to focus on observable results: what exactly they wrote, how you reacted, and why.

    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    It seems weird to me to call it circle-jerking. It's like... I dunno, it makes it sound like way more intentional and systemic than it is. The way I see it, it's just one person demonstrating kindness, and the other person receiving it and sometimes trying to reciprocate that gesture. Or sometimes it's just one person giving a compliment and the other person says thanks. Or sometimes it's one person saying something nice and the other person forgets to check their mentions and they never even see it. It's so totally not organized at all. I think basically just the same people tend to gravitate towards this stuff so they end up doing it to each other.
    Better for this kind of casual give-and-take to contain positive, encouraging remarks than negative and unconstructive ones.
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...

  7. #107
    i love Array skylights's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    Better for this kind of casual give-and-take to contain positive, encouraging remarks than negative and unconstructive ones.
    I assume I've missed something in this thread, given your and Starry's remarks. I never saw anything like that here.

    Clearly there's not much point in "appreciation" threads if they're just being used for backhanded compliments.

    But there has been much misunderstanding, and it seems detrimental to rush to a conclusion of malintent.

  8. #108
    Alchemist of life Array Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    I assume I've missed something in this thread, given your and Starry's remarks. I never saw any negative ones.
    Only complaints about threads focused on positive comments, like this one.
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...

  9. #109
    i love Array skylights's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    Only complaints about threads focused on positive comments, like this one.
    Ah, okay. So indeed, over essentially nothing.

    I share something because I feel it has value, or contributes in some way to an ongoing discussion. Obviously others may disagree, but if I'm not even sure what yardstick they are using, I cannot apply it myself, even if I wanted.

    I am sure I have contributed to conflict on the forum, by choosing to post material that I know will spark disagreement. The alternative was to keep silent to preserve some nebulous state of "harmony" that would probably just be disrupted anyway by someone else for less good purpose. That seems to defeat the whole purpose of a discussion forum, since learning from each other requires the relatively free exchange of ideas.

    The problem comes not so much when people disagree or even come into conflict, but rather when they become disagreeable or incivil in doing so. This makes the difference between productive conflict leading to greater understanding, and the proverbial tale of sound and fury, signifying nothing. It is easy to make assumptions about someone else's intentions, and easy to assume wrong. It is better and more productive to focus on observable results: what exactly they wrote, how you reacted, and why.
    I love this way of looking at it. Thank you, Coriolis.

  10. #110
    WALMART
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    There are a lot of people on the forums I appreciate. Everyone, even maybe.

    I do have a soft spot for all the Vent folks. You're almost real people, in my mind

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