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  1. #1
    Senior Member MerkW's Avatar
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    Smile Does Santa Claus Exist?

    Greetings. In the spirit of the Yuletide, I have decided to post one of my favorite Christmas jokes. I hope you enjoy it.


    IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?--A Scientific Analysis:

    As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help
    from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am
    pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

    1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000
    species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of
    these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out
    flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

    2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
    BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish
    and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the
    total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an
    average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8
    million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

    3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
    time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to
    west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
    This is to say that for each Christian household with good children,
    Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump
    down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents
    under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the ney,
    get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that
    each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the
    earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of
    our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles
    per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops
    to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding
    and etc.

    This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
    times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-
    made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4
    miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles
    per hour.

    4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
    that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2
    pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who
    is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer
    can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer"
    (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the
    job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases
    the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430.
    Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen
    Elizabeth.

    5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous
    air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
    spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of deer
    will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In
    short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the
    reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.
    The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of
    a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces
    17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems
    ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015
    pounds of force.

    Conclusion: If Santa Clause ever actually delivered presents on Christmas...he is definitely dead now. Ho, Ho, Ho. Merry Christmas.
    Last edited by MerkW; 12-23-2007 at 05:19 PM.
    "The mathematician's patterns, like the painter's or the poet's must be beautiful; the ideas like the colours or the words, must fit together in a harmonious way. Beauty is the first test: there is no permanent place in the world for ugly mathematics..." - G.H. Hardy

    "Another roof, another proof." - Paul Erdős

    INTJ (I = 100, N = 100, T = 88, J = 43)
    Solitary/Idiosyncratic, 5w6 sp/sx
    RL(x)EI (RlxE|I|)- Inquisitive Dominant
    Reserved Idealist
    ILI-Ni/INTp

  2. #2
    Doesn't Read Your Posts Haight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Merkw View Post
    Conclusion: If Santa Clause ever actually delivered presents on Christmas...he is definitely dead now. Ho, Ho, Ho. Merry Christmas.
    "The only time I'm wrong is when I'm questioning myself."
    Haight

  3. #3
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    I always assumed that Santa Claus was simply a pedophile who gave "presents" to the children.

    It's funny how the holiday is about an honorable Jew of some sort, but the kids end up praying to some pimp who seems to think everyone (man or woman, young or old) is a "Ho."

    EDIT: And I hate when people spell it "Santa Clause." It's all because of that ridiculous Disney movie, and apparently, people have forgotten the title's wordplay.

  4. #4
    ~dangerous curves ahead~
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    Quote Originally Posted by Haight View Post
    Look now, Merkw, you've made an INTP cry. May the ticks of a thousand reindeers infest your bed tonight. tsk. Edit: And you're an INTP yourself! *shakes finger*

    But that was a nice read.

    And Uber. Nice christmas colours you got there.

    Anyhow. The christmas story I like is an old one, "The Velveteen Rabbit".

  5. #5
    Enigma Nadir's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Uberfuhrer View Post
    I always assumed that Santa Claus was simply a pedophile who gave "presents" to the children.
    *light bulb*

    You know, he actually is. It's only his legendary, traditional, religious background that clears his name. There is indeed a good chance that a modern day Santa would be classified as a pedophile, in the same way a modern day prophet would be classified as a lunatic. Good times.
    Not really.

  6. #6
    Senior Member FallsPioneer's Avatar
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    I know someone who's 16 and does believe in Santa...at least she SAYS she does.

    I've always wondered about how and when Santa Claus came into the picture. Well, I don't actually want to find out, but still.
    Still using a needle to break apart a grain of sand.

  7. #7
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Thank you for that enlightening analysis.

  8. #8
    Senior Member MerkW's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Uberfuhrer View Post
    EDIT: And I hate when people spell it "Santa Clause." It's all because of that ridiculous Disney movie, and apparently, people have forgotten the title's wordplay.
    Pardon the typo. I am well aware of its actual spelling. Just a slip on the keyboard.
    "The mathematician's patterns, like the painter's or the poet's must be beautiful; the ideas like the colours or the words, must fit together in a harmonious way. Beauty is the first test: there is no permanent place in the world for ugly mathematics..." - G.H. Hardy

    "Another roof, another proof." - Paul Erdős

    INTJ (I = 100, N = 100, T = 88, J = 43)
    Solitary/Idiosyncratic, 5w6 sp/sx
    RL(x)EI (RlxE|I|)- Inquisitive Dominant
    Reserved Idealist
    ILI-Ni/INTp

  9. #9
    It's always something... PuddleRiver's Avatar
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    Of course he exists, silly. Don't forget the milk and cookies, he loves milk and cookies.

    Now believe, dammit! :steam:
    Last edited by PuddleRiver; 12-25-2007 at 08:24 PM.
    "In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay one invincible summer."
    ~~~~
    A Christian's life may be the only Bible some people ever read.
    ~~~~
    "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them" Maya Angelou.
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    I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ" Gandhi
    ~~~~

  10. #10
    Senior Member htb's Avatar
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    HE LIVES ON IN OUR HEARTS

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