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  1. #11
    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    Also another factor is whether informing an individual of the rightness or wrongness of a choice will have a positive impact on the situation.

    Pragmatism is one of my key values so when I speak I want it to have the most impact. My mind tells me what people or doing wrong constantly. Their is little point in telling someone what they are doing wrong just so you can later say "I told you so". Often using discretion, cause and effect analysis and a value hierarchy will assist one on when it is time to speak up.

    Too much and you just become a nag and a 'kill joy' and worse your words have less individual impact. Too less and you become apathetic or even negligent by omission (or even guilty by association). Like most things 'moderation' or a healthy balance as well as case by case analysis is best.
    I redact everything I have written or will write on this forum prior to, subsequent with and or after the fact of its writing. For entertainment purposes only and not to be taken seriously nor literally.

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    Spamtar - a strange combination of boorish drunkeness and erudite discussions, or what I call "an Irish academic"

  2. #12
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I told my friend not to put a pic of herself with her six year old niece on her Tagged profile because she'd attract pedophiles. She didn't listen, of course. Then she tells me (all shocked) that the guy she has been chatting with for a year and was preparing to meet is (OMG!! Who knew??) is a registered sex offender and convicted child molester. I told her "I told you not to do that because you'd attract pedophiles. You shouldn't put that pic in your profile." She probably still isn't going to listen. Thank God she doesn't actually see a lot of that niece.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  3. #13
    is an ambi-turner BRMC117's Avatar
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    Some times you have to let people fugure things out on their own. If a friend asks fot help I will be the first to respond. If you help everyone in the world you have robbed them of that victory, no matter how small or personal. It is the internal struggles, when fought and won on their own, that yield the strongest rewards. -Kreia-

  4. #14
    Kraken down on piracy Lux's Avatar
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    Well, many things are circumstantial. What one person thinks of as "right" or "wrong" is up to that person, at that point in their life. I have my own views as to right and wrong as well. If the friend asks me for advice, or seems to genuinely want direction, then I will give my opinion. Otherwise, I agree with BMRC117 that letting people make their own mistakes is the best way for them to learn.

    However, if it were something dangerous or life altering (in a bad way) that my friend just didn't see some side to, then I would step in unasked. Especially if it were an area of life I had experienced already. But for the smaller things, I wouldn't step in, because it's not really my business.
    "It is not length of life, but depth of life." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

    "Thought breeds thought." ~ Henry David Thoreau

  5. #15
    Senior Member burymecloser's Avatar
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    I think there's a balance. Don't friends frequently ask for your opinion? When they do, I think you should share it. If you think someone you care about is on the verge of making an important mistake, I think you have a responsibility to either express your concern explicitly, or do what Visa suggested and use techniques to get them to reconsider.

    At the same time, it's not pleasant to constantly tell people they're wrong, and not everyone responds the same way. Some people are almost always interested in the input of others, whereas some are usually very resistant to anything that goes against what they want, or which might be construed as criticism. What's called for can vary dramatically from one situation to another.

    If you exclusively mean moral arguments, I think that's very tricky territory. Different people have different conceptions of right and wrong, and in most cases, I think those are unlikely to change based simply on what somebody says. If your friend is planning something you find totally abhorrent, though, I believe you have to do what you can to positively influence the situation. Let the little things slide so you can make a difference on what's important.

  6. #16
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I think it depends on the situation. In some cases, I don't want to be associated with someone who is acting unethically. For example, if they were cheating on an SO or stealing or something, I probably would call them on it and give them a chance to deal with it, but if they didn't, I would quickly distance myself.

    If it were that I thought they were making a huge life decision that was very obviously going to turn out disastrously badly for them (and others), the closer the person is to me, the more likely I am to try to intervene, because it is worth risking the possibility of them being upset for the greater good. I would feel like their blood was on my hands if I didn't try to do something.

    If it was just that I disagreed with them on how they were going about doing things, I'd probably wait until they were amenable to advice rather than going ahead and giving it. I may ask questions like Visa talked about, or I might not, depending on how big of an issue it was.

  7. #17
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Yes there are somethings that are clearly right and wrong. Others are matter of personal choice. Both have consequences. The best way to approach the situation is to let the person know the consequences they face, and let them work with those, since right and wrong is such a subjective, touchy subject these days.

  8. #18
    Twerking & Lurking ayoitsStepho's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Magic Poriferan View Post
    Hell yes! In fact, I'll say that to qualify as a friend, you had better tell me when you think I'm about to do something or am doing something wrong. It would concientious to let that slide for someone you are supposedly loyal to.

    I can't see merely telling someone your position being too controlling.
    I agree completely with this.
    Quote Originally Posted by MacGuffin View Post
    ayoitsStepho is becoming someone else. Actually her true self, a rite of passage.

  9. #19
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    It's circumstantial. If I saw an accident on the horizon, a serious misstep in judgment about to take place, I'm intervening in some way. I don't hesitate to tell a friend what I think about the potential consequences of their actions; to let them know which path they should take, etc...How I tell them is circumstantial as well. When the matter isn't serious, I let the chips falls as they may, unless I'm asked for advice. People have a tendency to tune out when they feel as though they're being advised too frequently.
    There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.

  10. #20
    Senior Member copperfish17's Avatar
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    As far as I'm concerned, I don't your want opinions unless I ask for it from you specifically.

    Telling me to listen to you just because YOU think something is right/wrong... who are you to tell me to do MY things YOUR way? Who are you to assume that YOU know what's best for ME?

    (I'm not venting here, btw. Caps are for emphasizing.)

    IME listening to friends' advices can be disastrous. Especially when it comes to the relationships arena.

    By all means, you're free to give unsolicited advices, but do so only if you're cool with being blamed for for any future course of events.
    Enneagram: 5w4 5-9-2 (5w4 9w1 2w1) sp/so

    "Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience." - Greg King
    The worst mistake people make in political arguments is assuming that the other side is not trying to do the right thing. This simple oversight makes productive conversation nearly impossible.

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