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  1. #41
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Is it possible that some of this might be J/P oriented? I am still not sure which one I am, but I think in this regard I'm probably more P than J. IMO it's really not necessary to decree a friendship over under these kinds of circumstances- it's either going to happen organically or it's not, and if it doesn't it could rekindle later if circumstances change. If I no longer feel the friendly feelings, and avoid the person's company because they make me uncomfortable, then the friendship is de facto over, but not because I made the decision for it to be, yknow?

    Edit: this was an incomplete thought. I meant to follow through and say that the J approach which is equally valid but different from the P approach, could be to make the decision "official" pending further development. Then, if the friend comes around later, they might declare the friendship "on" again. The underlying values of the J and the P in question might be similar, but what they call "ending the friendship" might differ.

    Am I making any sense at all here or just pulling rabbits out of asses?
    You make sense. I'd also like to add that in my case, I haven't told her I never want to speak to her again. Actually, what has happened is exactly as you said you'd do, we just haven't spoken. Maybe the J/P comes into play in that I've decided what I'm going to do so I've reached my closure. Honestly, if she asked me directly why we've had so little contact over the past year it would take some heavy prodding from her to get the reason out of me because then I'd feel like I'm being judgmental, lol.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  2. #42
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    You make sense. I'd also like to add that in my case, I haven't told her I never want to speak to her again. Actually, what has happened is exactly as you said you'd do, we just haven't spoken. Maybe the J/P comes into play in that I've decided what I'm going to do so I've reached my closure. Honestly, if she asked me directly why we've had so little contact over the past year it would take some heavy prodding from her to get the reason out of me because then I'd feel like I'm being judgmental, lol.
    Yeah, I didn't get the impression that you had said "good DAY!" to her. Just mentally declared the friendship shelved/over for now, whereas I would probably do the same thing but not make the same mental decision about the friendship.
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
    -anonymous graffiti in the basilica at Pompeii

  3. #43
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Myself, the only time I have cut someone off that I was close to, it was more because they could not be okay with my not giving their actions my whole-hearted and enthusiastic support. I tried all the stop gap measures like suggesting that we not discuss it and that they refrain from trying to involve me in it. The person would give assent to the arrangement, but continue to pressure me about it. I just got to the point that I couldn't deal with it (and the additional baggage) anymore and ended it.

    It was totally different with a friend who, when my feelings about her actions came up, I told her I didn't really approve, but it was none of my business and everything I would tell her about it she already knew and that she was my friend and would stay that way if it was up to me. She seemed a little nonplussed at first, but quickly took it in stride and it ended up really strengthening our friendship.

    Neither of them were really doing anything that was causing sustained harm to anyone but themselves, though.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  4. #44
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    I've noticed a common tendency among some girls who work with me to encourage each other's adulterous behavior by overempathizing. "So I cheated on so-and-so because I want to have fun but he helps pay the bills and we have children together".....*exaggeratedly sympathetic nodding* "You deserve to have fun!" "he's an asshole!" "I cheated on my husband before we split up, but he was cheating too, so it's ok!" "We're all so desirable and victimized!"

    Whenever they have these conversations I want to give them all a piece of my mind, and I may someday, but that's sure not how friendships blossom. Friends are supposed to make each other feel good, not guilty. Friends can keep each other accountable, but only if each person lets the other one kick their conscience's ass once in awhile.

    Anyways, I am somewhat friendly with these girls but I wouldn't want to be friends with them. It has less to do with determining competency in friendship and more to do with wanting to protect my integrity. It's easier to be pulled down then to pull others up. /cliche
    I don't wanna!

  5. #45
    Senior Member Anentropic IxTx's Avatar
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    Words matter. Societal values are not personal ones.

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