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  1. #21
    Mamma said knock you out Mempy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aelan View Post
    Imagination, my boy. Imagination.



    Does that get me shot? (hey, where's your handwriting btw).

    Back to OP: It really depends on the hugger and the intended huggee. Some really don't like to be comforted via touch? So. Do what feels comfortable for you. At the end of the day, the feeling behind matters more. I'd think your discomfort would make her a little uncomfortable too? Sometimes it is a greater comfort that someone sits beside you and lets you cry it out without judging, vs an uncomfortable hug. At least. that's how I think. .
    Agreed. It is so nice to have someone let you cry without judging. It's very possible to know someone cares about you very much even when they don't say or do much. A nod, an "mhmm," a patient silence, a contemplative intake or expulsion of breath - things like these let me know a friend cares what I'm going through.

    Actually, I'm willing to say that my past experiences with a person, and how many opinions we share, really says more to me about how much they understand me than anything. But if it's caring I'm looking for, most often very little it required to show me they're listening and caring.

    If someone is uncomfortable hugging me or touching me, I don't want them to do it anyway, haha. Although the results could be humorous. "Hey, why do you have that funny look on your face? Hahaha!"

    When I'm physically demonstrative, it's not planned much at all. It's so circumstantial. I think you're either comfortable doing it or not, and you either have a good eye for opportunity or you don't.

    I think part of what's endearing about physical affection is that it takes a bit more, how shall I say, effort and confidence, to be physically affectionate.

    My best friend is INTJ and female. I'm INFP and female. We get along pretty great. We're almost always on the same wavelength, and we share most of our woes, and we're just really very comfortable with each other. I know she has similar pain to my own, so that really bridges most gaps.

    More recently I've become more comfortable being physically affectionate with both her and her boyfriend (an INFP male, and my next-closest friend). Hugs, touches, they all come naturally to me nowadays. I just go with the flow. I like when someone is physically affectionate toward me, I really do, so I think for my two closest friends the same is probably true. If not, what's a few more hugs going to mean to them anyway?

    I think physical affection, for me, is especially indicative of confidence and self-esteem. For most of my life, being hugged or physically affectionated (hehe, I like to turn nouns into verbs, it's easier that way) was extremely awkward and uncomfortable. I'd sitffen up. I didn't know how to respond, and I thought perhaps reciprocation was in order, but now that I'm older and wiser and more experienced, I go, "Pshaw!" at that notion. More often when I'm physically affectioned, I don't return the affection at that time. I just let it happen and enjoy it, and keep it in mind to repay them later.

    Oh, but this thread is about comforting another female with physical affection. Hmm. My best friend, probably due to her inferior Se, has a lot of anxiety attacks. She's told me many times that during these panic attacks, in her mind she really feels this is the end of her life, her last day on earth. I've never experienced anything quite like that. But she knows I care and that even if I haven't had the exact same experience, I'm as familiar with anxiety and fear as anyone, and I want her to be happy and have peace of mind. Physical affection aside, knowing that is enough.

    When she's crying during one of these attacks, usually her boyfriend is there to comfort her and hold her. For me, it's extremely off-putting and unsettling to see her in such a frenzied state of fear and sorrow, and I don't even know what to do for her. So far, it's only happened once while I was in her presence. I just hung around and waited for the pain to pass. I don't know if one day I will comfort her physically, but it may come. If it did, I'd probably give her a lot of little hugs and touches, spaced out a bit. They'd be pretty spontaneous and pretty brief. I don't think they'd last for more than a couple minutes, tops. Lol. *is imagining this*

    But yeah, others have given good insight. If you're not pretty loose and comfortable doing it, you don't HAVE to. What's it going to matter anyway? True friends know you care whether you're physical about it or not. When you develop a bit of an eye for seeing the opportunity, and when you're comfortable taking that opportunity, just do it. Like the person above me said, it's the feeling behind it that counts, so probably any action you take, physical or not, will mean a lot to them in times of need.

    Haha, and even if the hug looks completely retarded, elbows bumping, boobs getting in the way, etc, to your friend, it will mean a lot. =) I'd be spontaneous! See what you can come up with in the moment, lol.

  2. #22
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    I could so not give advise on this! I never hug anyone- they generally attack me with a hug and I end up with my arms pinned to my sides while they insist on hugging me!

    ok- I take that back- I've hugged my grandma, but that means me making shoulder contact with her and gingerly patting her back- I'm not big on physical contact, but she won't let me get away with giving her a high 5!
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  3. #23
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    Not much of a hugger, sorry! I'm not anti-hug at all, but I do prefer the wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am style. An extended hug would probably feel really weird, comforting or not.
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
    -anonymous graffiti in the basilica at Pompeii

  4. #24
    ~dangerous curves ahead~
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Not much of a hugger, sorry! I'm not anti-hug at all, but I do prefer the wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am style. An extended hug would probably feel really weird, comforting or not.
    what about a wham-bam-hug-you-ma'am with a nibble or a lick?

    what's an extended hug? You're not actually timing, right? That takes all the spontaneity away? .

  5. #25
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aelan View Post
    what about a wham-bam-hug-you-ma'am with a nibble or a lick?

    what's an extended hug? You're not actually timing, right? That takes all the spontaneity away? .
    Or a sniff! Somehow that seems as intimate to me as a nibble or a lick. Breathing in another human's neck aroma seems like sexytime.

    No, no, not actually timing-- there's just a point at which pulling away feels like the right thing to do at the time, and not pulling away feels like too much hugging.
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
    -anonymous graffiti in the basilica at Pompeii

  6. #26
    Member whatnot's Avatar
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    I'm off and on an awkward hugger myself, though I'm a touchy-feely person at heart. I always worry I'm invading personal space. However, when I do hug, I am a Good Hugger.

    This is what I find best for comforting and minimal awkwardness:

    Sit beside her on a sofa, if possible. If she needs comfort, a single hand on the shoulder can do quite a bit. If she starts crying, you can slide your hand around her shoulders. If she needs more comfort, she will take the arm around the shoulders as a sign you're open to a hug and will make the turn to hug you. (Kind of what PP was saying.)

    Otherwise, the best bet would to go with the above advice and don't force a hug if its awkward.

    A few tips:

    -A slow rubbing motion on the back will translate as less awkward than patting.
    -Timing: 10 seconds should be sufficient for a comfort hug, but be aware of her body language. If she's still holding on tight, wait to let go until she does.
    -If she starts crying hard, go in as if you're doing the "one arm up, one arm down" hug. Put the hand that was over her shoulder on the back of her neck or on the back of her head, while making comforting murmuring noises. This can translate as an extremely caring/nurturing gesture. Caution: this hug gesture has a higher difficulty rating because if you're stiff or

  7. #27
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    OMG whatnot you're an expert!

    I wish that post hadn't been cut off. Stupid forum software bug!
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
    -anonymous graffiti in the basilica at Pompeii

  8. #28
    ~dangerous curves ahead~
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    Instead of pictures, why not an instructional video now: "MBTI Central: Good Huggers Show How"?

    Yes. now my imagination fails me.


  9. #29
    Member whatnot's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whatnot View Post
    -If she starts crying hard, go in as if you're doing the "one arm up, one arm down" hug. Put the hand that was over her shoulder on the back of her neck or on the back of her head, while making comforting murmuring noises. This can translate as an extremely caring/nurturing gesture. Caution: this hug gesture has a higher difficulty rating because if you're stiff or
    I think actually that was just my poor proofing. To continue:

    If you're stiff, the hand-to-head motion comes off as "I'm trying to smother you with my shoulder."

  10. #30
    Member whatnot's Avatar
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    This is what happens when you have an NF that overthinks EVERYTHING.

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