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  1. #1
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    Default How to deal with death

    I've never had someone close to me die so I am unsure about the best way to deal with death. I am looking for ideas or thoughts on how to take death.

    I think the closest I've ever been was when my 4 month old had very serious surgery and I was a basket case. I could even start to cry if I saw the name of the surgeon for months afterwards.

    I would like to avoid that type of thing but I'm not sure if there is a way to do it. Any thoughts or suggestions are welcome.

    Maybe the best way you got to a stable point after a very close-to-you-death?

    How do you deal with stupid things people say?

    How do you avoid crying like crazy at the funeral? Is this even a goal?

  2. #2
    Senior Member tibby's Avatar
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    I've no other advise apart from the "the stupid things people say". Just feel sorry for them and leave it at that.

  3. #3
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    I don't think there's a guide or a how to for this.

    I didn't deal very well when I lost someone I loved. Actually, I just didn't deal with it at all. And eventually when I did start to deal with it, a lot of time had passed. And even then I'm not sure I really dealt with it. It's rather that I just relativated it.

    It's not something you grow over or just can accept though. Regardless of what people say, it's something you'll carry with you until you die. From my experience I've learned that the best way to deal with death is by remembering that it wasn't me that died. I still live. People around me still live. Can't let someones death, however dear to you, get in the way of the life that still is. I don't claim to know the meaning of life. But I'm pretty sure it isn't wallowing in sorrow for the loss of a loved one until the last breath you take.

    As for accepting someone close to you dying. If there is such a thing I have not found it yet. But then again, I don't want to accept it. I want to keep a bit of anger inside of me, and I don't want to forget what once was, what could be, and what I make of things now.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  4. #4
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    I'm in your boat. I lost both my grandfathers when I was 17 and that was hard, but I've never lost anyone other than that. I would also be a basket case if my child had serious surgery or a health problem. I WAS kind of a basket case last year for months leading up to and following my son's autism diagnosis, and that's not even a disease or a life-threatening condition.

    I'm really, really worried that I will just lose my shit if I lose a child, my spouse, a parent or a sibling.
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
    -anonymous graffiti in the basilica at Pompeii

  5. #5
    Boring old fossil Night's Avatar
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    Death of a loved one provides a two-fold insight into the self.

    On one hand, one must forever part ways with a person on whom one has depended for crucial aspects of emotional support; the realization of obstacle that death impossibly creates makes for a bitter end to a connection once (and likely forever) cherished.

    To that end, death also incubates within the individual a profound awareness of his own fragility; the notion that life is unavoidably impermanent and without resolvable premise.

    Taken to form, the recrudescence of the question - the issue of personal mortality - provides an inconvenient confrontation when one loses someone important to them.

    Life is profound; death is forever.

  6. #6
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elaur View Post
    I've never had someone close to me die so I am unsure about the best way to deal with death. I am looking for ideas or thoughts on how to take death.

    I think the closest I've ever been was when my 4 month old had very serious surgery and I was a basket case. I could even start to cry if I saw the name of the surgeon for months afterwards.
    I can identify with that a bit, my younger son needed surgery 12 hours after being born. It was just abdominal surgery (he needed a section of intestine removed) but I was terrified. I was also a lot younger and very emotionally restrained... and so instead of breaking down, what I did was go to sleep. I would have gone crazy if I had tried to stay away for the time he was in surgery, when I had no control anyway over what was happening. Today I probably would have cried and cried instead of sleeping.

    It can really seriously impact you, it's a Big Deal.

    Like Ivy, I have only lost grandparents, but for me, I did not know them well and it wasn't bad for me. I did almost lose my dad in 2005, but he came back... and of course our relationship is not very good and I'm not even sure how I feel about it; at the time I was more stunned by just the thought that I was the oldest sibling and would have to take care of my mom and everyone else and that he would finally be gone.... what comes next was a big question for me.

    Is there a reason you are choosing to ask now, or just trying to be prepared before anything bad happens?

    How do you deal with stupid things people say?
    My advice here is that often people say stupid things because they are trying to be nice but have no experience with death and/or do not know what to say. And yes, sometimes they can REALLLLLY say something stupid or pointless or just plain wrong.

    I think the best advice I can give is thank them for their intentions and ignore how badly they sometimes say it, as best as you can. It might seem unfair that you would be the one suffering, yet have to cut slack for others... but the bottom line is that they are not worth letting rattle you, and the best scenario is just to take things in the most positive way possible... approaching it that way allows for the best spread in positive results, in my mind.

    How do you avoid crying like crazy at the funeral? Is this even a goal?
    There is no shame in crying like crazy at a funeral if you have lost a person you love. Do not let anyone shame you or shut you up. I think it's good, if you can, to consider that others might need a bit of space if you are crying a lot... but do not let anyone shame you. Crying is more of a cultural thing too... some cultures allow you to wail and moan in appropriate contexts, western culture tends to expect you to remain fairly stoic and subdued. But your reaction is your reaction. After all, you lost someone important.

    Again, I would just try to remember what others might need while still giving yourself space. If you can't stop crying, you might want to step out for a bit just to get a breather and give others one... then come back in.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  7. #7
    Striving for balance Little Linguist's Avatar
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    Gosh, I've seen so much death. It makes you numb after a while. The first one tore me to bits, and I struggled because I wanted to hide my grief. I wanted to be strong, powerful, and be the rock of stone in the midst of a tidal wave.

    But like anything, if you go through it enough, it no longer phases you as much. It's tough, but you know what to expect, and you prepare yourself for it, in a way. I hate to say that. It sounds so callous.

    If I could tell you anything, it would be: Do not make the same mistake I made.

    But then again, everyone is different.
    If you are interested in language, words, linguistics, or foreign languages, check out my blog and read, post, and/or share.

  8. #8
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    What mistake did you make, LL?

    I'm thinking about the responses. Thanks for sharing.

  9. #9
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    I think the best and only advice you can have is this.

    When it happens to you, you will deal with it your own way, wether or not you want to. The things people say probably just ditract you at the most. Don't see it as a right or wrong situation, don't try to look for possible mistakes or ways that appear correct. There's no black and white in this.

    I don't think you can deal with something so personal by following someone elses advice. Because it will be just that, someone elses advice. And not your own thoughts and feelings. Can anyone really 'deal' with this in this way? It would require blind faith and trust in the people that gave you the advice in the first place.

    But I dunno, maybe that's just me.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  10. #10
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    Yeah, I just find that sometimes people discussing stuff and throwing out ideas helps me hash stuff out in my own mind. I want to have a healthy view of death, rather than just focus on loss. Other people talking about their life situations help.

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