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  1. #61
    Self sustaining supernova Zoom's Avatar
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    I comforted others, and cried alone, not a route I would suggest. I felt hollow for a while, though not for the loss - for the feelings it brought back up, old ones that had lain as embers.

    One of my dogs is fourteen, and though it is hard to spend time with her at times because she feels fragile I would like to spend as much time as possible.

  2. #62
    Senior Member WoodsWoman's Avatar
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    Everyone is different and the various 'stages of grief' look clear cut on paper - but that's the only place. Inside the reality that is grief they are all tangled up. Also - these stages can manifest for the loss of a pet, a home or a job. Mine is for my spouse.

    These are some of my experiences:
    Shock – Immediate grieving for me manifested as a mental fog that kept reality thoroughly at bay for about three months. It did not lift suddenly - even now I can feel it's gray tentacles controlling parts of my brain - and it will be a year Feb. 14th.

    Sadness – during that fog I cried, but not as much as I did when that fog began to lift and reveal all the sharp edges of loss. As it happened I was alone a lot of the time, not ideal perhaps, just the way it was. It would have been a good time to own stock in the tissue company.

    Guilt – a million and one what-if's. Every last detail torn apart until there was no longer anything I could possibly find that I could have done any differently.

    Anger – I was angry with/at him. In no way did I want him back to have to go through that hell all over again, but the pain, and at this point, the fear of the unknown, of being 'single' - these would all have been alleviated by one thing - his presence.

    Fear – of undone projects, things started and not completed. Maintenance that was being planned for - which I lack the skills to complete on my own.

    Physical symptoms – "lonely attacks": perhaps it's tied to grief triggers... very sudden, seeming out of the blue a crushing emotional pain that can be physical. At it's core an intense longing for deep companionship - the only place I ever found it was with my husband - he is gone, that deep understanding from another human is no longer. It's easy to believe it will never be possible again. They can manifest as freezing, not being able to move for a moment, or something like cramps and/or nausea. The lighter end can be pushed through, the other must be honored as part of the process. It's usually worse if I've bottled up my grief when it has demanded expression. They have been brief, sometimes just a few seconds, the longest being a few minutes.

    Finally there is assimilation and acceptance - I was surprised yesterday when an old dream woke and brought with it it's original enthusiasm - it was almost scary to feel that good. My roller coaster ride isn't over, but moments like this give me a great deal of hope that I can hang on for the rest of the ride.

  3. #63
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Somebody I used to know called this "pre-wadding," getting your panties in a wad before there's anything to wad about. I find it to be a common NP tendency (if I am one- or even if I'm not, I've seen other NPs do it a lot).
    Lol, I'm so using that. I've only noticed NFPs routinely doing it.
    I tend to not worry about anything until it happens. Even then, I don't always have the energy to sustain a worthwhile wad.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  4. #64
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    I am very fortunate in that i have never been to a funeral (and i am 30). Last year 2 of our family members died but on my step fathers side. I knew them but not well enough to don the black outfit and feel sadness.

    Everyone is different so please don't pass judgment here but for myself .. If i have to go to a funeral at some point, i will feel sadness as i won't see them again but i am going to be looking at the bigger picture. They are just going back home where they'll be in no pain, no misery .. Just pure bliss.

    It is only my selfish thoughts that wants them to stay on earth .. Life's big plan has ideas for each and every one of us .. Thus we have no control over the whens/wheres/hows.

    My funeral is going to be so cool. No black, good music, lots of alcohol, pretty bland food .. Honour my death as i enjoyed my life .. I ask for nothing less.

    Depending on how open-minded you are, you may want to consider a book called 'The other side and back' by Sylvia Browne. A very good read and also insightful. I don't fear death now.
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  5. #65
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    I've dealt with death of close ones, dogs and dad included.

    Each situation is unique yet similar.

    The experience is deeply personal.

    Tears come when they may, often, in my case, when alone.

    I do not like funerals, I actually kind of hate them.

    I am okay with dying myself, one day.

    I deeply fear experiencing the death of people I love.

    Death is easy, watching someone you love die, i.e. the dying process, is not.

    That's terrible, and that's where you suffer and they suffer the most.
    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

    Veritatem dies aperit

    Ride si sapis

    Intelligentle sparkles

  6. #66
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    As to the OP, dealing with the stupid things people say in context.

    George Carlin did a terrifically side splitting piece on the subject. Watch that.

    Suppressing feelings is not the way to go. Meditation and observing them helps.

    The first year of loosing someone close it's normal to find unexpected triggers for associated memories. I think it's normal to "not be oneself" and many look back and think, omg I did or said that? Meaning having a differing response to current life events than one previously would have.

    It takes about five years to find a new comfort zone. But the growth, and process of coming into one's own is almost beautiful. One gets to know themselves a lot better.

    Suggest that a person chooses maybe one or two objects max as keep sakes.
    Keeping a room or house full of various effects isn't healthy, in that a person needs to open space for the river of life to flow renewed.

  7. #67
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elaur View Post
    Maybe the best way you got to a stable point after a very close-to-you-death?

    How do you deal with stupid things people say?

    How do you avoid crying like crazy at the funeral? Is this even a goal?
    I'm not sure there is a best way to deal with death. You just do and that takes time, one day at a time. What helped me was reminding myself that I am alive and I have to get on with my life no matter what. Remembering the person and all the good they brought into my life, treasuring the time spent together and trying not to get into the loop of "what if...". That never gets you anywhere and it keeps on feeding all the negative thoughts and prevents you from letting go.

    In case of death, people just don't know what to say but they feel that they must say something. And, in addition, being the one listening to what people say, it feels that there is no way any of them can really understand what I'm going through. So, everything they could say will sound stupid no matter what. Keeping yourself calm, trying not to take the things said to you personally, in from one ear and out the other. Patience.

    I'm terrible with crying at the funerals. Even when I don't really feel like crying, watching others cry is just awful, so the tears just start running. I think you'd just need to let things out and not try to bottle them inside. Finding a healthy way to go about this is the tricky part. Crying is good.

  8. #68
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Did you know the answer to "how to deal with becoming a mother"?

    No. You could imagine what it would be like, you could read books, you could talk to other mothers. And this is valuable. But none of it prepared you I bet for your own personal journey into motherhood.

    There's much documentation on the grieving process itself. Maybe starting there would be beneficial.
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    ― Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    ― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

  9. #69
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    Quote Originally Posted by SillySapienne View Post
    I've dealt with death of close ones, dogs and dad included.

    Each situation is unique yet similar.

    The experience is deeply personal.

    Tears come when they may, often, in my case, when alone.

    I do not like funerals, I actually kind of hate them.

    I am okay with dying myself, one day.

    I deeply fear experiencing the death of people I love.

    Death is easy, watching someone you love die, i.e. the dying process, is not.

    That's terrible, and that's where you suffer and they suffer the most.

    I HATE funerals. They just seem so wierd and an awkward social experience.

    When mom died we spent a ton of money out of the estate on it, simply to keep it out of my step dad's pockets. They hadn't lived together in six months. Oddly, the man died six months later of the exact same cause, and to this day the estate has never been settled. Never will be.

    A good friend died a couple of years ago, along with his wife, their pet and his mother-in-law. Didn't go to the funeral, but talked with and heard from a few people hadn't caught up with in years. They didn't go either, the consensus was that we'd all gather somewhere and have a few beers...play a round of pool as we'd do for the time frame we'd been working together.

    That was an awesome experience, a celebration of life and a rememberance of
    our friend as we knew and appreciated him.

    My sister and I are of the same mind in our wants for when that time comes. No funeral, no memorial service...just an amount set aside where people can
    pick and choose what to do. That celebrates life and the experience of living.

  10. #70
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    Here's one of the most life-affirming stories of death I have ever heard. My brother and sister-in-law have a family on their street whose daughter Edie was born with Hurler's Syndrome. It's a progressive disease where the child stops developing between the ages of 2 and 4, and then goes into mental and physical decline, usually dying before the age of 10. Despite this, the family had a beautiful attitude and outlook and I always enjoyed being around them. They clearly adored Edie and treasured the short time they had with her.

    Last year, Edie (who was 9, I believe) died. She died at home and her mother was about to call the funeral home when she decided she just couldn't do it. Send Edie to that place to be prettied up and filled full of chemicals... she and her husband decided no, they would confront their daughter's death the old-fashioned way. The mother called a grief counselor and natural death specialist (not sure what her "official" title was) who comforted and coached her through the process of keeping the body at home until they were ready to take her to the crematorium. She explained the physical processes that start happening at death (which we are so detached from in the developed world, with our clinical and "let someone else do it" style of dealing with death), and how to slow them down to have more time with Edie. They kept Edie in her own bed and moved the window AC unit in there and cranked it up as high as it would go. They dressed her in her favorite dress. They started to say goodbye.

    That night or the next, I forget which, they invited everyone to the house for the wake. They had laid the cardboard coffin on the dining room table surrounded by loads of glitter, stickers, and other art supplies. The children who came to the wake sat at the table and decorated the casket. One by one as they were ready their parents took them upstairs to say goodbye to Edie. I wasn't there but my brother and sister-in-law and their two kids were, and I hear from them that it was not a morose, sad event but rather a joyful one. Then after the wake Edie's parents drove her to the crematorium where they said their last goodbyes.

    I honestly can't even imagine having that much grace in the midst of losing a child. I have to believe that we would all rise to the occasion when it happens- as PeaceBaby says it's not really one you can totally prepare for.
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
    -anonymous graffiti in the basilica at Pompeii

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