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Thread: Parties

  1. #1
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
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    Default Parties

    I want to say something to challenge this stereotype:

    Quote Originally Posted by INTJMom View Post
    An E gets energized at a party.
    An I gets drained at a party.
    Not always, it depends on the guests. If all/most of the guests are also extraverted, seasoned party-goers and able to have fun and just be themselves in a group of people without needing to be 'helped' at all, and where they entertain me as much as I entertain them, then yes I get very energized from that. But I can imagine an introvert feeling quite overwhelmed and perhaps inadequate, like a sorta tag-along not really in on the action and later drained from the effort of even that much interaction.

    But if it's a lot of people who want the image of being party people and want to be loud and outrageous but haven't really got the confidence or experience, and look for/to and rely on more outgoing people to coax them along and pull them along, it can be quite exhausting for the extraverted person who has to fulfil that role. You know, the one where, when you're in the room everyone's laughing and talking to each other sorta 'through' you, but if you leave the room for a couple of minutes and come back, they're all inspecting their fingernails and looking awkward and stilted. And if the host is someone you like and you know that something big for them is at stake, and that they need to have this party remembered by the other guests as a good time, the pressure on the extravert is quite high. It's not fun, it's not energizing or entertaining - it's hard work and thankless, cos you know that when the wine's worn off, everyone will remember that thanks to the host they had a great party, but you'll be remembered as the 'obnoxious' one who 'dominated' all the conversations.

    Similarly, if it's a kind of party where people sit around and talk in small cliques or one-on-ones in long conversations about things they know about, it'd probably be quite energizing for the introverts and boring for the extravert - and boredom is tiring for me - being bored for a couple of hours in a room can make me feel like I've just run a marathon by the end of it.

    Discuss/disagree/qualify at will, mes amis

    How do you feel about parties? Are there different kinds of parties that you respond to differently, and how much does the type of other guests affect you? Extraverts - are you automatically energized simply because there are people around of any kind, or do you agree with me? Introverts - do you always dread every party, or do you sometimes find yourself enjoying yourself against your expectations and if so, what contributed to that?
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

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    My ISTJ friend was invited to a wedding a while back. He spent about a month dreading it and saying he didn't want to go, trying to find excuses not to go, but when I saw him a couple of days after the wedding, he said he'd had an absolutely great time. He said that although he felt a bit awkward at first, once the lights went down and all the old tunes came on, he started dancing and found himself wishing it'd never end.

    I'd be interested to hear stories and anecdotes from introverts about parties they enjoyed and extraverts about ones they didn't.
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

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  3. #3
    Senior Member girlnamedbless's Avatar
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    It really depends on the type of people for me. If know at least two or three people there, then I will feel energized. If I don't feel comfortable, it's not like I'm drained, I just feel awkward until I find someone that I can talk to.

    I can remember a party I didn't enjoy, mostly because everyone was older, drinking, and friends of my best friend's sister. Therefore I didn't really know them, and didn't care to cause they were all drunk anyways. My best friend and I left several times to walk around until our friends got there. That was when I finally felt comfortable and got energized.
    I bet they'll put something in the air tonight, just to light your face.

  4. #4
    Dhampyr Economica's Avatar
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    I actually do think there is some merit to INTJMom's rule of thumb, and this is coming from an introvert who loves parties. All else equal, I do see extroverts burn increasingly brighter as they gain social steam while introverts steadily deplete their reserves.

    Case in point: My brother (an INTJ) and I recently attended a party with our SOs (both ENFPs). We were there for five hours, all socializing about equally, and afterwards the Es were in fact energized whereas the Is were drained. The ENFPs stayed up talking to each other for several hours after my brother and I had taken to our beds.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Economica View Post
    I actually do think there is some merit to INTJMom's rule of thumb, and this is coming from an introvert who loves parties. All else equal, I do see extroverts burn increasingly brighter as they gain social steam while introverts steadily deplete their reserves.

    Case in point: My brother (an INTJ) and I recently attended a party with our SOs (both ENFPs). We were there for five hours, all socializing about equally, and afterwards the Es were in fact energized whereas the Is were drained. The ENFPs stayed up talking to each other for several hours after my brother and I had taken to our beds.
    oh yeah totally, in an ideal situation that'd be me too - always me and the other ENXP the last ones to bed - or in fact, still sitting up in the kitchen talking over endless cups of tea and cigarettes by the time other people start waking up in the morning and leaving! I just wanna point out that ideal situations often don't happen, and discuss the results/causes from both I and E points of view.

    What girlnamedbless said reminds me of my mother, also ESFJ and my sister, who also tend to feel pretty awkward until someone/something familiar comes along, whereas I tend to watch out for the 'moment', monitoring the atmosphere so to speak, then jump in, regardless of whether it's a bunch of close friends, relatives or total strangers. Quite often the appearance of someone well-known can actually throw me, because after I've spent some time sort of getting into the 'persona' that's right for this party (sorta morphing to fit the atmosphere and clientele), someone with whom I already have an established, different persona coming along can interrupt my flow!
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

    "When it all comes down to dust
    I will kill you if I must
    I will help you if I can" - Leonard Cohen

  6. #6
    Pareo cattus Natrushka's Avatar
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    Regardless of the people (I can enjoy myself completely and never wish to be elsewhere) I always need Me Time to recover after one.

    This signature left intentionally blank.

    Really.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Natrushka View Post
    Regardless of the people (I can enjoy myself completely and never wish to be elsewhere) I always need Me Time to recover after one.
    Interesting. My INFP friend here says the same thing... Interesting to see two introverts perfectly able to enjoy themselves in almost any group situation.

    To me it seems to suggest that the distinction between I and E does not actually lie in whether they enjoy social situations...
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

    "When it all comes down to dust
    I will kill you if I must
    I will help you if I can" - Leonard Cohen

  8. #8
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    ...it can be quite exhausting for the extraverted person who has to fulfil that role. You know, the one where, when you're in the room everyone's laughing and talking to each other sorta 'through' you, but if you leave the room for a couple of minutes and come back, they're all inspecting their fingernails and looking awkward and stilted. And if the host is someone you like and you know that something big for them is at stake, and that they need to have this party remembered by the other guests as a good time, the pressure on the extravert is quite high. It's not fun, it's not energizing or entertaining - it's hard work and thankless, cos you know that when the wine's worn off, everyone will remember that thanks to the host they had a great party, but you'll be remembered as the 'obnoxious' one who 'dominated' all the conversations.
    Agree. Which is why I either strike out on my own when I go to parties or I go with people that I know won't be my shadow the whole night. I've had a couple of friends ask me why we don't go out anymore and that's the reason why. I feel like I have to make sure they're comfortably installed somewhere before I can get into party mode. I fully expect people to carry their own weight and after I do introductions you're on your own. I also tend to feel resentful towards my friends who do this so I try to stop it by not asking them out.

    It's not like I don't feel the same way when I go to a party and I don't know a soul or I have that one friend that I know. I've left many times because I didn't feel like making the effort to socialize and meet people or I've been the person sitting in the corner. But I more often than not make the effort which leads to me staying and enjoying myself. One house party I went to I ended up chilling with the DJ the whole time. He was cool and I was satisfied. Mission accomplished.

    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    How do you feel about parties? Are there different kinds of parties that you respond to differently, and how much does the type of other guests affect you?
    Yes there are. Maybe because I'm getting older but clubs hold virtually no appeal to me anymore. I don't like bars either, except for happy hours. When I was 18-22, I loved clubbing. Now I've transitioned to lounges, it's more relaxed, you can actually hear what people are saying, less groping, and all-around better crowd, although people are still spilling drinks on you. That's where I go when I want to be in with a large group of people.

    If the crowd has negative energy then I enjoy my time less. I've been in places with negative energy and I end up regretting I went. Example: I'd go to clubs depending on which night you were there you felt like you where at a fashion show. It was all about what people were wearing, and it was so much profiling and "you stepped on my shoe!" fights that it was horrible. People are elbowing to get to the bar, you get cigarettes burns...yuck. I'll pass. When people are there because the music and dancing is good that's a much more positive environment.

    The coffeehouse. Much more intimate, even less people, more satisfying conversation. People let down their guard a bit more and get more personal, but you're still out and it's a good deal of people around.

    Chilling at someone's house/house party. IMO, this is the most rowdy. Atmosphere where people are most comfortable (even introverts). This is the one where size matters. I personally like this to be small (max 12 people) with alcohol, but bigger ones are OK. Best laughs and crazy conversations. Most of my stories come from these experiences.

    Honorable mention: concerts and family gatherings. These can go either way. When the musician has people waiting for them for an hour then the crowd goes sour and I find that I have to hype myself up again and if they're bad, energy levels plummet. I like my family so when we get together it's mostly good.

    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    Extraverts - are you automatically energized simply because there are people around of any kind, or do you agree with me?
    About half and half. I just feel like I'm more alert and on point when I'm with people. When I was in retail, the more crowded it was (I LOVED working Black Friday) the more focused I became. Then you get to a point where it's just too much and you've got to leave.

    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    To me it seems to suggest that the distinction between I and E does not actually lie in whether they enjoy social situations...
    Agree.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  9. #9
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    Interesting. My INFP friend here says the same thing... Interesting to see two introverts perfectly able to enjoy themselves in almost any group situation.

    To me it seems to suggest that the distinction between I and E does not actually lie in whether they enjoy social situations...
    I agree with that, but that's not the same thing as being drained by them, is it? I have a lot of fun in different kinds of social situations, and I enjoy parties if I like the people. (I assume that's true for you as well.) But whether I enjoyed it or not, I'm always drained after a party and need to recharge my batteries alone.

    All of your examples in the OP seem like parties the extrovert wouldn't even enjoy. I think inherent in the party example is that the person enjoys the company of the people at the party, whether introvert or extrovert.
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
    -anonymous graffiti in the basilica at Pompeii

  10. #10
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    To me it seems to suggest that the distinction between I and E does not actually lie in whether they enjoy social situations...
    I'm pretty sure it's generally accepted that both Is and Es enjoy social situations in general. All the people I know enjoy parties, and I know mostly Is. The difference is more how they respond to the situation and how often they want to be around people.

    Parties are a lot of fun...in fact I'm hosting what I hope will be a fair-sized party next weekend, and I'm pretty strongly introverted. I just need to have my parties spaced out, and I need to be comfortable with a good chunk of the people coming. It wouldn't surprise me that extroverts would have slightly different conditions for a good party.

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