Finding work. Living anywhere but here and how i can accomplish that.
“I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
― Georgia O'Keeffe
I think- what if I put my shoes on today and there is a black widow inside it and it bites me and I die.
What if the ceiling collapses and beams fall through the ceiling like knives in a basket and impales me?
What if I breathed in asbestos somewhere and I am slowly dying from it but am unaware?
What if a plane dumps its frozen sewage ball right over my house and it falls right on me?
What if my baby gets a hold of a knife and stabs me in the back of the neck not realizing what she is doing and I bleed to death?
What if home invaders break down my door and come after me?
What if while I go up the stairs- I slip on a branch or walnut and fall down the stairs and break my neck?
What if a black hole is created and heads towards earth?
These thoughts run through my mind several times a daya nd I try to plan for what to do just in case they happen. I am really paranoid because I am really really happy and so am afraid that the other shoe will drop at any moment,lol. I function just fine and everything- these thoughts don't stop me from living and having fun. They are things I just think about and want to prepare myself for just in case,lol.
I also think a ton about my relationships. I evaluate and re-evaluate them- I am like a customer service agent wondering how they can be improved and what their current status is and try to see and think about where the relationships are possibly headed for in the future. I try to assess and map out where the relationships are- where they are headed- and where they could go and make plans accordingly.
I wonder what is the meaning of every little thing and what is the reality and ponder about that a ton a day. What are other people's sense of reality and what is mine- why do they differ so much and can they ever be reconciled?
I think about my soul everyday and I feel like I take a look at it like Dorian Grey did with the picure of his soul. Sometimes I am haunted and sometimes I am comforted. I am often confused by it, I look at how it is ugly and how it is beautiful and do not know what category ultimately it fits under most.
I think about God a lot. I think about what he must go through. I think about what he must think of me and mankind. I try to put myself in his shoes and wonder what he is going through and what it must be like. I wonder about who he is and how mistaken we are about him and how everyone has a piece of him. How the light shines in every man. I wonder what I should be learning and what perceptions are out there about him. I love pndering the mysteries of the afterlife and God and the soul. I love coming up with questions that could never be answered.
I am telling the truth when I say- I am exhausted at the end of the day just from my own thoughts, I could do nothing all day and still be totally drained just from living in my own head,lol.
Is it that by its indefiniteness it shadows forth the heartless voids and immensities of the universe, and thus stabs us from behind with the thought of annihilation, when beholding the white depths of the milky way?