!! if you are offended by christian satire do not read the following post !!
I wanted to post a comedy project I have been working on. It involves fictional conversations between the God of the Bible and a newly created and fresh faced Angel that needs to be caught up to speed.
I want to write something like this for all major books of the Bible. But I would like to get some feed back on the first "Volume" if you will before I start writing the next ones.
Here it is (rough draft, so there might be some typos):
The Story of God Vol I: Genesis
*An angel created by God Almighty opens his eyes for the very first time*
ANGEL: Wow! I live! Who do I owe this wonderful privilege to?
GOD: Rise, my child. You are free. You can think and act as you see fit... But I do have a few stipulations.
ANGEL: This whole life thing, it's a pretty wonderful feeling. I don't see a few stipulations as a problem at all... shoot!
GOD: Well, I would prefer it if you did what I said. And even more preferably, I would LOVE if you did it on your own accord, that would make things go so much smoother.
ANGEL: On my own accord eh. Sounds easy enough. I'll give it my best shot!
GOD: Well, the thing is there are... consequences for not doing what I say. I feel you have a right to know what those are.
GOD: Well, if you don't do what I say you will be executed.
ANGEL: I see. I better be on top of it then!
GOD: I also feel the need to inform you of "the defection."
GOD: A really long time ago I created an angel, very much the way I have created you. But he rebelled against me.
ANGEL: Wow, that is a pretty bold thing to do. Why would someone want to rebel against a creator that gave them such wondrous life?
GOD: He felt the need to be like me, and also he didn't feel I had the right to tell people what to do.
ANGEL: But your GOD! The creator of ALL things?
GOD: Exactly, that's what I told him. But he didn't care and still went on his rebellious crusade, and darn well near took 1/4th of all my heavenly creations.
ANGEL: Well I sure as heck want to be on the right side. 3/4ths is a lot larger number than 1/4th; the majority is probably the more just.
GOD: That's the spirit! I wish Satan would think as you do, then he wouldn't have deceived the Humans.
GOD: That's the leader of the angelic rebellion. He had an original name but we call him Satan, it means The Deceiver.
GOD: After I created the angels I wanted to create some more loyal subjects, so I created the Humans and their home called Earth.
ANGEL: How were they deceived?
GOD: Well I had this perfect plan to test their loyalty. I put them in a garden with all the wonderful types of food to eat that grows off the plants and trees I made there. But here's the catch: I put in two other trees that were infused with my magical spirit.
ANGEL: Wow, what were they for?
GOD: Here's the brilliant part: one tree I called The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Bad and the other the Tree of Life. The first one I told the humans NOT to eat from it because if they did, that day, they would surely die! As for the Tree of Life, I had that guarded because if they ate from THAT magical tree then they would become like me and be able to make their own decisions without any consequences. I was considering letting them eat from it at some point, after they passed a few tests. The first tree was the first of my loyalty tests.
ANGEL: Can't you see into the future since you are omnipotent? Doesn't that spoil all the fun of having tests?
GOD: Well I purposefully block out the future of some events to make things more interesting for me.
ANGEL: Capital idea! I know I would do that, no fun in knowing everything that's gonna happen. So what happened next?
GOD: Well everything was going well until Satan decided to come into the scene.
ANGEL: You let him on the Earth, surely you knew he was up to no good, don't need to see the future to know that.
GOD: Yeah yeah, I knew it of course, but I just couldn't pass up this opportunity to further test my Human creations. Satan had become so crafty, I wanted to see what kind of damage he could attempt to do.
ANGEL: Nice, sounds like a godly since of improvising there!
GOD: Exactly. So anyway, Satan took the form of a snake and started talking the second human I had created...
ANGEL: Wait, wait. Snake?
GOD: Oh, it's another creation of mine, it's among what we'll call the Animal Kingdom. They are made up of the same stuff as humans but are far less intelligent. I made them, kind of, FOR the humans.
ANGEL: Gotcha. So why did Satan take the form of a lowly Snake? And animals are intelligent enough to talk?
GOD: Don't ask me, Satan works in weird ways, he’s very good at thinking on his feet, the perfect tester for my humans. And no, animals have no form of language.
ANGEL: Okay, so let me get this straight: Satan go's to the earth and takes the form of an animal that can't talk but he makes this one appear to be able to speak.
GOD: On the nose! So anyway he tells Eve, the human, that she should eat from the Good/Bad tree because it will make her like me, knowing good and bad. Man he's crafty. So Eve buys the story and eats from the tree.
ANGEL: Oh no!
GOD: Yeah, BIG mistake. Then on top of it she convinces her husband to eat from it too!
ANGEL: That's a DOUBLE WHAMMY!
GOD: Bingo. So Satan's test worked, it totally threw Adam and Eve for a loop. Made my life more interesting. I mean maybe a part of me wanted Eve to tell Satan to go suck an egg, but really I would prefer her to disobey because it would make for a much more interesting history for the humans.
ANGEL: What happens if, say, Eve does tell Satan off.
GOD: Then I win. And way to easy in my personal opinion. Satan wouldn't be able to sway my creation and I would execute him and all the angels would see that he was wrong and I was right. The End, everyone in Heaven and Earth live happily ever after.
ANGEL: That sounds pretty nice.
GOD: Yeah, for the first few millennia. But perfection pales in comparison to imperfection as far as interesting concepts… Now the Humans had disobeyed me and I was pissed.
ANGEL: Yeah, you told them NOT to eat from that tree! And they listened to a hand puppet that looked like a snake! I would have felt disrespected.
GOD: Oh I was, I cursed everything I could curse in the situation. Adam and Eve got thrown out of their paradise, PLUS they now had a lifespan instead of a lack of one.
ANGEL: A just punishment indeed!
GOD: No it doesn't stop there. Their entire bloodline I cursed as well, since they were the ONLY two existing humans, all humans from then on out would bare the same curse.
ANGEL: Oh wow, that's pretty harsh. They did it to themselves though.
GOD: On top of all that I cursed Eve specifically as well as all her daughters. Their reproduction process would be excruciatingly painful and they would be dominated by their male counterparts being viewed as less human than men. The last part will really suck because the woman wont feel any different than the men deep down but will still have to be viewed as a lesser species.
ANGEL: Man that's harsh. I bet Satan got an even worse punishment?
GOD: No, not yet. He's still under a contract with me when he challenged my rule. He actually took the lead, in our game of cat and mouse, when he accomplished this because he deceived my creation. No punishment yet. On the contrary he made my life much more interesting for the time being.
ANGEL: I see, the plot thickens.
GOD: Yup, and as a final curse because of this situation: I cursed the serpent or Snake that Satan used. Their weak minds merit punishment for being controlled so easily!
ANGEL: Okay... don't quite get that one, but no matter, you are more intelligent than me so I wont question.
GOD: Look kid, if there is one thing I have learned being around forever, both backwards and forwards, it's never turn down the opportunity for a good lasting curse.
ANGEL: Dooley noted. So I'm curious to what happened to the humans? That was a pretty swift and harsh punishment, did they turn from their rebellious deeds... wait didn't you say you were going to kill them that day if they ate the tree food?
GOD: Everyone knows that a day for ME is 1000 years! DUH!
ANGEL: Oh sorry, still learning, just popped into existence today.
GOD: No problem.
ANGEL: So it took 1000 years for them to eventually die? That must have given them time to pop out some more humans. I bet those humans were taught a valuable lesson from their past.
GOD: You would think! But they didn't seem to like the fact that I cursed them and threw them out of their paradise. So they started just going about their lives like nothing happened. Maybe at a foolish attempt to mock me, I'm not sure.
ANGEL: So they didn't learn yet?
GOD: Nope, and it was really pissing me off too. Even after all this hullabaloo they still just went about their lives and were breaking rules.
ANGEL: Rules? I don't remember there being any rules for the humans besides the tree rule. And of course do what you say.
GOD: Yeah, they KNEW that they shouldn't be having reproductive relations with people they didn't pledge their lives too. I didn't build them to be polygamous. They just weren’t acting like I was there, they seemed to reject the idea that I was still in charge.
ANGEL: So what happened?
GOD: Well luckily there was still a family of 8 people that were still in my favor. Good thing because if I had to destroy them all my fun would be over! An extinct race is no fun at all. The father of the family was named Noah.
ANGEL: Noah, good strong name.
GOD: He was a good dude. So I told him to build a big ol' boat-like- thing because I was planning on drowning everything on the planet.
ANGEL: Everything? Even things that were innocent and ignorant to the rebellion going on?
GOD: Yeah, I was pretty pissed at the time. If I could do it over again I would probably just killed the human insubordinates, but I was flaming mad. And I make those types of decisions when I'm like that.
ANGEL: I see. I'll remember not to piss you off.
GOD: I like you. You seem to have it together and at such a young age too!
*THE ANGEL BECOMES BASHFUL*
ANGEL: Thanks God! So you killed everything?
GOD: Yup, made Noah round up some local animals so that there was a baseline to work with after everything was destroyed. I told him that he was to get every animal on earth, but you and I know that he couldn't have done that since there were animals 10s of thousands of miles away that he didn't even know existed. I don't mind my creation living in some blissful ignorance, what you don't know can't hurt ya is what I always say!
ANGEL: All too true. So you said you made Noah make a boat, how did you drown their whole home?
GOD: Details, angel, details. Just go with me on this. So I drowned everything. Most of the fish died because I mixed fresh water with salt water and everything that needed oxygen to breath perished that wasn't in the ark. Wahlah! Do over!
ANGEL: Fresh start, things must have went uphill from there!
GOD: Not exactly. Noah was a righteous dude, but his descendants were more of the same.
ANGEL: Darn, was hoping for a happy ending sometime soon.
GOD: It all has ended in tears so far, but I got something going on right now that might work. I'll tell you that later. Anyway, Noah's descendants were trying to start a rebellion again...
ANGEL: People and their rebellions, what DO they have against you!
GOD: My life story man, comes with the territory. So in this new rebellion they started to make this huge tower called the Tower of Babel. I assume they were trying to get into heaven,
which of course is impossible. *GOD LAUGHS* We're not even in the same plain of existence! Nevertheless the concept was pissing me off. Here's another brilliant gem of an idea! Angel! Are you still listening?
ANGEL: Yeah... Yeah! Sorry was thinking about something else. You have my full attention again.
GOD: The idea was this: if they couldn't speak to each other this whole building project would be scrapped. So that's what I did.
ANGEL: You cursed their tongues and made them mute?
GOD: What? No, no I confused their languages, so they couldn't communicate with each other anymore.
ANGEL: That WAS a gem of an idea. That would solve the immediate problem of the tower project and they would have to break up into the smaller groups.
ANGEL: Of course, you would probably have to deal with a bunch of new Tower of Babel projects from the groups that formed.
GOD: No, they weren’t THAT smart.
ANGEL: Oh sweet, dodged a bullet there.
GOD: So anyway, here I am again with a bunch of R Tards worshipping wood and stone and having sex with the wrong orifices and the wrong gender to boot! The immoral hub of all this was two cities called Sodom and Gomorrah. These people were worse than the people I drowned in the Great Flood. They had to go. But since I promised Noah I would never flood the
earth again I had to use fire this time.
ANGEL: Good thinking leaving other destruction options open while at the same time making Noah feel worm and fuzzy. Win win!
GOD: But there was this family living on the outskirts of the cities that were pretty nice. The father of that family was named Lot. He was a cool dude. I felt it fine for him to only live out the global punishment of old age, he didn't deserve a fiery death like the cities he lived near.
ANGEL: Intelligent AND merciful, good form. So you burned the cities?
GOD: Yeah and Lot's wife had to go too.
ANGEL: Oh man that must have sucked.
GOD: I told them not to look back when I was destroying the city because I didn't want them telling anyone of the brutal way the inhabitants of the cities were dying. It would just complicate things in the future, ESPECIALLY if someone saw a baby burning to death, not good public relations! But Lot's wife just HAD to look back. So I turned her into a pillar of salt. It was the first thing that came to mind. I hadn't done it to a creation in a while so I wanted to spice things up.
ANGEL: Oh, tragic fate. What was her name?
GOD: Oh, that's not important. The important part is if you don't do what I say I'll destroy you in a whim and use passing thoughts for types of death.
ANGEL: Keeps them guessing.
ANGEL: So what happened to the humans then?
GOD: Well I REALLY liked this one human named Abram and his wife Sarai. But their names were a bit "meh" so I renamed them to Abraham and Sarah.
ANGEL: Good choice, good choices indeed!
GOD: Yup, so like I said, I REALLY like the two of them especially Abraham. Me and him would stay up till who knows how late talking about random stuff. We were pretty tight. So I got to thinking one day, and I felt that I wanted to do something really special for him.
ANGEL: A gift from God. Must have been grand.
GOD: Oh it was. I was looking for a good candidate for a blood line I was planning on setting up. One that would save the humans from this curse I put on them. And he seemed the perfect guy for the job. So I told him that his heritage was a grand one. His seed would became a great nation and also someone down the line would save all of mankind from the curse of Sin.
GOD: That's when you do things that I don't like when I originally made you perfect. If you disobey me, like Adam and Eve, you become sinful and pass it on to your kids and their kids.
ANGEL: So this is a natural occurrence?
GOD: Everything I do is a natural occurrence since I am the originator of everything in every plain of existence, everywhere.
ANGEL: Ok ok, fair enough.
GOD: So back to Abraham's covenant it's a key part of the story!
GOD: So I promised him these things because we were like "this." *GOD CROSSES TWO OF HIS FINGERS*
ANGEL: Abraham must have been pretty happy about it.
GOD: Yup, he was pretty stoked. He had this son and named his Isaac. To make things a little more dramatic I waited to tell him this until his wife couldn't conceive anymore. And I told them they were going to have this son that would become a great nation. They laughed at me, as expected. But I showed them some of my razzle dazzle, it never gets old.
And wahlah! Sarah had Isaac, oh was she sheepish!
ANGEL: How did you know that this bloodline would be pure?
GOD: That's the interesting part I didn't. But I did give Abraham a good test to show his loyalties.
GOD: I commanded him to sacrifice his son Isaac to me, you know the one that I just created using a barren woman.
ANGEL: Wow, a senseless commandment from his point of view. Genius! What did he do?
GOD: Oh man, he actually convinced his son it was the right thing to do and brought him to the sacrificial rock and was ready to kill him.
ANGEL: Oh snap! You just HAD to wait to the last second on THAT one.
GOD: Oh I milked it alright. Right before he killed his own son I stopped him. He had tears in his eyes. I love my job. Killed two birds with one stone on that one. Found out where his loyalties were AND got a pretty good show!
ANGEL: Sweet. Things are looking up. You seemed to have found a ripe fruit on a tree of roughen food! His descendants must have been squeaky clean!
GOD: Well they were called the Hebrews. And they ended up getting enslaved by a neighboring group called the Egyptians many years later.
ANGEL: Enslaved? That must have complicated things.
GOD: That's an understatement. After that happened I had to start thinking on my feet. Luckily I found this awesome dude named Moses. He ended up being the savior of the Hebrews from slavery. It's actually a very interesting story.
ANGEL: And I do want to hear it, God, but I really need to get to work, I don't even have a designation yet!
GOD: You are right, another time. Report to your Designator his name is Gabriel. I'll put in a good word for you.
ANGEL: Thanks God!