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  1. #71
    Senior Member NewEra's Avatar
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    I think people owe their parents whatever good their parents gave them. It's only right to return the favor. Give, and you shall receive.

  2. #72
    triple nerd score poppy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Strangely enough, I've often noticed that people who were not good parents to their children are often treated better than those who were. It's almost like the parent-child roles have switched.
    Maybe as a result of co-dependent relationships?

    I know one daughter that does everything she can for her mother even though the mother is prone to getting drunk and hitting the girl, refuses to get a job and just accepts welfare, is almost always unkind to the girl's brother, etc. The mother and daughter are also frighteningly similar.

    I have also seen cases where perfectly decent parents were verbally abused by their children. That's always puzzled me.
    "There's no need to be embarrassed about it, Mr. Spock. It happens to the birds and the bees!"

  3. #73
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    Simple question:
    That's the best part of the thread, actually.

  4. #74
    Welcome to Sunnyside Mondo's Avatar
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    Parents deserve your care and devotion if they give it you you- especially if they still help you out even when you become independent!
    Seriously, don't be a selfish prick if you have loving parents.
    MBTI Type: iNTj
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  5. #75
    Courage is immortality Valiant's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Athenian200 View Post
    It has nothing to do with their expectations. It depends on what your parents gave you.

    If they gave you a loan, you should repay them. If they were nice to you, you should treat them nicely. And if they ignored you, you should ignore them. If they pissed you off, you should piss them off.

    That's my attitude on the subject.
    Agree with this. I am always nice to my mother, but I am just trying to be civil towards my father. When he crosses the line, as he often does, I chop him down verbally. I have gathered lots of ammunition and knowledge of his weak spots over the years. He's probably one of the most unhealthy ENTPs I know of.
    Sometimes he's nice, but at other times he's a rabid dog.
    If he wasn't my father, and if he didn't have a heart condition and the occasional nice day, I would have beat him up a long time ago for all the grief he's caused.

    Mightier than the tread of marching armies is the power of an idea whose time has come

  6. #76
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elaur View Post
    That's the best part of the thread, actually.
    Hah! Simple questions don't always have simple answers.

  7. #77
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kingfisher View Post
    i think an obligation to your parents should come out of love; out of your parent's love for you.
    This is a really interesting way to look at it. In some cases, the things our parents do for us have less to do for their love of their children and more to do with their love of themselves.

    Also, I'm sorry to hear about your father.

    Quote Originally Posted by EcK View Post
    You only owe people when there's a two sided contract, when you exist in the first place to fullfil your parents dreams of having you exist it's absurd to consider you owe them anything. Any other standpoint just comes from a bad understanding of what 'owing' means and gift giving social dynamics in general.
    This is the part I'm trying to understand. There are parts that you didn't sign up for, but unless you had bad parents, the parents have sacrificed specifically for you to make you happier. Did you ever ask your parents for anything, and have them give it to you?

    Perhaps you don't owe them your life, because you never signed a contract. However, what about all the things you asked for that they provided for you? Since there is still no contract, are you technically free to leech until they start making it clear what you specifically owe them in return?

    Quote Originally Posted by 01011010 View Post
    Showing appreciation is a natural extension of mutual respect, but not an obligation.
    Good point.

    Quote Originally Posted by ladypinkington View Post
    I do also have a lot of baggage from taking care of her emotionally and financially. When I was a teenager I was supporting her and basically I would work like a dog and not have anything for myself, I am the only one she talks to about things and she kind of lays everything into me as if I were her therapist- things she doesn't even tell my sisters or anyone else- the therapy load is all on me and everything has to always be so secretive- my sisters don't even know how I helped her financially for years and I could never ask them for help as they are all always in financial drama and plus my mother never wanted them knowing what was going on because of her pride and it really burned me out to the point that I started hating her. I just felt like I had too much on my shoulders and had to be an emotional parent or therapist at too young an age- too much on me. And she never even acknowledges how much I have helped her.

    Not to mention very different values and conflict in ideals and politics and religion.

    I am just now rebuilding a relationship with her all over again. I feel like I never got to be the selfish teenager and I think that I went through rebellion just in the last couple of years and am going through that missed out selfish me seperate from parent stage.
    Thanks for going into that a bit more. It does sound like you've given much, and do deserve a break. It's a shame your family doesn't know what you've done for your mom, as that could be important if she ever does need care.

    In its own way, this resembles my situation. My mom is grateful for me, but she refuses to acknowledge all that I've sacrificed. She's made it clear that if she gets Alzheimer's, she wants me to make the same sacrifices for her that she does for her mom. Which is alot - to the point of martyrdom. However, she doesn't realize that she couldn't have done what she did for her mom without me sacrificing 1.5 years of my life. I'm further away from certain goals now than I was back in 2007.

    The fact that in 10-15 years she expects me to drop my life again for her, without letting me go and be free in the meantime, is a subject that riles me up pretty quickly. So to counter that I'm trying to develop some healthier viewpoints of the whole situation, so I can create humane boundaries.

    Thanks to everyone that has taken the time to reply.

  8. #78
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post

    In its own way, this resembles my situation. My mom is grateful for me, but she refuses to acknowledge all that I've sacrificed. She's made it clear that if she gets Alzheimer's, she wants me to make the same sacrifices for her that she does for her mom. Which is alot - to the point of martyrdom. However, she doesn't realize that she couldn't have done what she did for her mom without me sacrificing 1.5 years of my life. I'm further away from certain goals now than I was back in 2007.

    The fact that in 10-15 years she expects me to drop my life again for her, without letting me go and be free in the meantime, is a subject that riles me up pretty quickly. So to counter that I'm trying to develop some healthier viewpoints of the whole situation, so I can create humane boundaries.

    Thanks to everyone that has taken the time to reply.
    It seems like maybe your mom's operating out of fear. Maybe she's afraid that she will end up like her own mother, and she's demonstrating the sort of care she hopes for/expects, out of fear she'll lose her mental faculties and be alone?

    I do think you need to set some boundaries and make her aware of the things that her sacrifices and volunteering do to affect your own life, and to also make her aware that most people need a LOT of extra help caring for Alzheimer's patients. It's not something one can usually do while the patient lives at home, mainly for reasons of safety. Ultimately, it is up to you. Your mom seems to be a little more demanding than mine would be, and I won't lie, that would affect my decision. It would be hard for anyone to handle both the physical care and the emotional blackmail.
    Something Witty

  9. #79
    Allergic to Mornings ergophobe's Avatar
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    Udog,

    I don't know if you've already done this - you could encourage your mom to get some help so she (or you) won't be so burdened by the care for your grandmother. Perhaps if she was less overwhelmed with the care, she'd be less demanding?

    It was good of you to sacrifice your time for your family but I hope you are getting to follow your own dreams now,
    E

    Edit: Have you brought your frustrations up with your mom?

  10. #80
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    In its own way, this resembles my situation. My mom is grateful for me, but she refuses to acknowledge all that I've sacrificed. She's made it clear that if she gets Alzheimer's, she wants me to make the same sacrifices for her that she does for her mom. Which is alot - to the point of martyrdom. However, she doesn't realize that she couldn't have done what she did for her mom without me sacrificing 1.5 years of my life. I'm further away from certain goals now than I was back in 2007.

    The fact that in 10-15 years she expects me to drop my life again for her, without letting me go and be free in the meantime, is a subject that riles me up pretty quickly. So to counter that I'm trying to develop some healthier viewpoints of the whole situation, so I can create humane boundaries.

    Thanks to everyone that has taken the time to reply.
    I really think that you can be involved and make sure people get good care without having to sacrifice your life. You also have no reason to stress out about your mother possibly getting alzheimers in the future and what you owe her. Also, sacrificing your life for someone does not mean they are actually getting good care.

    Parents can be a bit crazy, my suggestion would be to humor her and make sure you take care of her in an appropriate manner if anything ever happens, not in the manner she dictated years before.

    As much as she wants to be in control of the situation she really has no idea what is going to happen in the future.

    eta: Perhaps she is just terrified of getting alzheimers. Have you considered just trying to assuage the fears that she wouldn't get the care she needs if she does?

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