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  1. #61
    pathwise dependent FDG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    I dislike the idea of sacrificing for a parent largely out of fear that if you don't, your child will do the same to you, though. There's a pretty good chance your daughter will figure out what's going on, and may be a bit resentful.
    To be honest, I think it's always better if a person cares for their children with their full attention rather than for their parents. It's not an easy decision but that's how I'd prefer to do it. It would seem to be incredibly nonsensical. I will help them with money if they will need it but I will never be able to sacrifice a lot of my time for them. And I wouldn't want my children to sacrifice time for me, either, when I'll be old.
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  2. #62
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I will do what I can to make sure my mother is looked after, though I will probably not do the physical care myself. I will try to have her nearby so I can look in on her a couple times a week. She has pulled many a crazy stunt, but when I was small, she did look after me, teach me how to behave, and show me affection.

    I doubt that my dad will need me since his girlfriend is about ten years younger than he is and I'm certain she would look after him. Otherwise, he will probably go to a VA home. My dad is a good guy, but I wasn't raised by him, so I am not sure how much obligation I will feel.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
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  3. #63
    full of love Kingfisher's Avatar
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    well i will tell you what; for me, i do feel a pretty fair amount of obligation to my mother, for all her effort in raising me. yeah, i do think i owe her.
    and i think feeling an obligation to my mother is a great and positive thing, i think a lot of people look at obligation in a bad light. i mean, i owe my mother for what she has done for me, and that makes me love her more, makes me want even more to take care of her.

    i think an obligation to your parents should come out of love; out of your parent's love for you. if they really love you and did any good in raising you, then yes i think you are somewhat obligated to them. i mean, wouldn't you want to be? i don't know, i just don't see obligation as such a bad thing.

    by the way, i feel no obligation to my father.
    he was a real tyrant, and i hate him with a passion, even though i don't want to.
    i will tell you a story. when i was 16 my father and i got into a brutal fight (i mean a physical fight), not the first by a long shot, but it was the first where i could actually hold my own against him. i mean, he still dominated me physically, but i was beginning to be strong enough to stand up to him somewhat. anyway, he really beat the shit out of me, but i got in my fair share on him. and that was the day i realized i didn't have to put up with his shit anymore, and left home for good. that was the day i broke it off with my father, and since then i have had no obligation or ties with him.

  4. #64
    The Memes Justify the End EcK's Avatar
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    Nothing, the parents wanted the kids in the first place, the kids didn't ask to be alive.
    You only owe people when there's a two sided contract, when you exist in the first place to fullfil your parents dreams of having you exist it's absurd to consider you owe them anything. Any other standpoint just comes from a bad understanding of what 'owing' means and gift giving social dynamics in general.

    My point is not that people should be assholes, my point is just what i said, so don't get all fired up.
    Expression of the post modern paradox : "For the love of god, religions are so full of shit"

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  5. #65
    triple nerd score poppy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Athenian200 View Post
    It has nothing to do with their expectations. It depends on what your parents gave you.

    If they gave you a loan, you should repay them. If they were nice to you, you should treat them nicely. And if they ignored you, you should ignore them. If they pissed you off, you should piss them off.

    That's my attitude on the subject.
    Yep, that's pretty much how I feel about it. I'm lucky enough to have had two parents that deserve to be loved and taken care of to the best of my abilities.
    "There's no need to be embarrassed about it, Mr. Spock. It happens to the birds and the bees!"

  6. #66
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    Why not, though? While it was their choice, they likely sacrificed much.
    Showing appreciation is a natural extension of mutual respect, but not an obligation.

  7. #67
    Senior Member bluebell's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ajblaise View Post
    Good parents will often naturally receive a degree of appreciation from their offspring. Do bad parents deserve anything in particular? I don't think so.

    And if they are horrible parents, the only thing you owe them is perhaps a call to Child Protective Services.
    Amen. Or the police.

    Quote Originally Posted by 01011010 View Post
    Showing appreciation is a natural extension of mutual respect, but not an obligation.
    That's how I see it.
    ...so much smoke pouring out of each chromosome.

  8. #68
    movin melodies kiddykat's Avatar
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    My mom was, still is, pretty horrible to me. When I walk through the door, she never ever says hi or acknowledges me.. We are more like sisters than anything..

    Sometimes I ask the same questions. Is it worth it? Should I stay? Should I go? What for?

    When I think of the things I went through with her, the beatings, the abuse, I get really mad inside.. then I look at her and realize, she's a product of her own environment.. I can change.

    Nothing I do is ever good enough for her. But you know what? She has a disability, in which she's not able to drive.. so i stick around. I can't help the thought of her getting physically hurt because she has to take the city bus in order to work. I can't stand the thought of her being taken advantaged of..

    Although our parents may mistreat us, sometimes, I think it's their own insecurities they project onto us. It's tough not to take it personal.. but that's how I see it. It's tough, but rarely any families are perfect, I think.. There are also positive qualities about my mom that I do like- her ability to have genuine compassion for others (minus a few close family members).

    If I repeat anything that's already said, my bad.. I think it's important to make peace with our families each and everyday.. There's no telling when they'll go or when we'll go..

  9. #69
    Rubber Nipple Salesperson ladypinkington's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    I dislike the idea of sacrificing for a parent largely out of fear that if you don't, your child will do the same to you, though. There's a pretty good chance your daughter will figure out what's going on, and may be a bit resentful.
    I didn't mean it the way you interpreted. I am talking about how would I feel if I were in the dependent parent's shoes? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you kind of spirit- which in my opinion is still self oriented because it is inspired by what you would want. What would I hope for from my children? I actually don't expect anything from my daughter nor will I make anything I do for my mother a big circus and very look at WHAT I AM DOING FOR MY MOTHER.

    Just that I know so much of what we do in life and our character and attitudes are so influenced by our parents and what we know and have seen. I have never seen anyone take care of their parents, so for me it feels like a foreign concept and alien thing. I wish I had someone to have shown me the ins and outs and so I know that it is possible and it is scary because you just don't know what to expect and it is so unfamiliar. I feel like if I had some familiarity with it then I would be more comfortable with the idea or at least it wouldn't seem so daunting.

    Anything medical like really intimidates me. Plus I am just thinking practically. My mother is really heavy- how would I move her and take care of her? How do I take care of a child and parent at the same time? Would my marriage be put to risk? Could I afford to take care of her? Can I handle it emotionally? Will I snap and break?

    I do also have a lot of baggage from taking care of her emotionally and financially. When I was a teenager I was supporting her and basically I would work like a dog and not have anything for myself, I am the only one she talks to about things and she kind of lays everything into me as if I were her therapist- things she doesn't even tell my sisters or anyone else- the therapy load is all on me and everything has to always be so secretive- my sisters don't even know how I helped her financially for years and I could never ask them for help as they are all always in financial drama and plus my mother never wanted them knowing what was going on because of her pride and it really burned me out to the point that I started hating her. I just felt like I had too much on my shoulders and had to be an emotional parent or therapist at too young an age- too much on me. And she never even acknowledges how much I have helped her.

    Not to mention very different values and conflict in ideals and politics and religion.

    I am just now rebuilding a relationship with her all over again. I feel like I never got to be the selfish teenager and I think that I went through rebellion just in the last couple of years and am going through that missed out selfish me seperate from parent stage. I think I feel comfortable with the idea of my sisters taking care of her in the future because I feel like I have already done more then my share. Now I actually don't think that is right of me - and even if someone else takes care of her I will contribute any way I can but I just feel burnt out. I know she loves me and she isn't a bad person or even a bad mother either- I just need to recover I think from the burning out. Perhaps my attitude will change after I have had some time to fully heal from that anger and restore myself and reconcile my missed teenager self to adult self.

    I am going to make sure that my daughter has her chance to be her selfish teenage self because I see that you do need that phase and hopefully I will be supportive of her needing to break away and be her own person. I am hoping that I will be sensitive to not ever make her feel like a parent or therapist to me. So I guess if I can be a better parent by learning from these things that I have gone through- then some good will come out of all this. I feel like I have a lot of books I want her to read one day, Boundaries, The Five Love languages, and Financial Peace are the most major ones. If she wants a car she has to read and study those books,lol.

    Wow- I really unloaded there. The flood gates opened a little bit there,lol.
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  10. #70
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Strangely enough, I've often noticed that people who were not good parents to their children are often treated better than those who were. It's almost like the parent-child roles have switched.

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