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  1. #51
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    Aw, that sounds rough. Do you still feel like you owe your mother anything, or have you been able to cleanly create boundaries and stick to them?
    Only boundry I've managed is that she says on one side of the country, I stay on the other. If she shows up in town though I don't know what I can do to get rid of her with out having her bad mouth me to the rest of the family. Well, her side of it anyway, the other side I wouldn't be able to say anything to lest one of them decides to get over protective of me (I have an ISFP uncle a few neighbourhoods away, and he has an issue with my mom...).


    Edit: Just had a thought reading further through the posts. Unless my sisters end up being treated better by our mother, I'm going to be my mother's only hope out of her children. This sucks
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

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    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  2. #52
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I don't believe strictly that you should treat your parents only as well or as poorly as you were treated. There are many times in life when we need to act a certain way for our own integrity. We need grace from others and so need to also be willing to extend grace to others. We are also designed to be interdependent. The decisions each of us makes (parents, grandparents, children etc) all have an impact on the other, whether we are present or absent to see the results. Our parents' lacks or strengths contribute to the kind of person we become, but there is also an element of free will involved for what we do with what we've been given. Reminding our parents of our age, is often a moot point as age and maturity often have very little to do with each other.

    Having said that, as in any other relationship, it is important to maintain boundaries of respect because we do teach people how to treat us. Each of us has an attachment "conscience" - something that makes us feel wrong about not responding to a situation as our parent did or in the pattern established early on. Ideally, this serves to make us listen to our parents' instructions and cautions to protect us when we are children and helps us become effective and independent adults. However, sometimes the messages parents give are not always good ones and yet we still feel a very real sense of bad "conscience" in going against their wishes. Sometimes we shoulder unfounded guilt or obligations from an insecure parent who never was able to put their children "on the stage" as they were growing up. Perhaps rather than putting their children first, they had and have a need to prove that they are important, valuable, considered first and so on. This does not mean that they were a bad parent in every way. They may have had many good qualities in addition to their insecurities. Part of growing up and maturing is taking a look at our childhoods and seeing what was good and what we don't wish to repeat or don't feel is healthy.

    Recognizing a parent's weaknesses does not mean that we should never visit them, or that we shouldn't give them respect and love. However, sometimes it does mean that we need to draw appropriate boundaries. In that way, we are able then to love them without resenting them or fearing their disapproval/guilt/anger. We can then be free to have an independent and productive life of our own and in the long run can do much more for them than if we are inappropriately accommodating. Insecure people will almost always look to someone else as either the cause of their problems, or the answer to all of their needs. Someone trying to answer these needs is like a person shovelling dirt into a bottomless hole in an attempt to fill it. The insecure person themself is the only one who will ever be able to fill that hole in and it is not until they do so that they can recognize and appreciate all of the love, sacrifice and care that others are giving them. Therefore, you have to consider whether what you are being asked to do is shovel dirt into a bottomless hole or whether it is something that can actually make a difference.

  3. #53
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    And what if your dad hit you with an iron if you were young ?
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  4. #54
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    *looks closer*

    Sorry entropie, I hadn't noticed the V shaped scar on your forehead!

    (But yes, if we're talking about dangerous people, of course you need to distance yourself much further.)

  5. #55
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    *looks closer*

    Sorry entropie, I hadn't noticed the V shaped scar on your forehead!

    (But yes, if we're talking about dangerous people, of course you need to distance yourself much further.)
    You make that sound so easy. I hope people will understand it.
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  6. #56
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by entropie View Post
    And what if your dad hit you with an iron if you were young ?
    Hopefully not too many people have to include that in their thoughts. And if you do then you need to make the choice from that point of view.

  7. #57
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elaur View Post
    Hopefully not too many people have to include that in their thoughts. And if you do then you need to make the choice from that point of view.
    You dont see the big picture. Sometimes it isnt an iron but only a small hammer.

    I just think, useful advice can be given by anyone. If it's really useful in the end, is in 99% of the cases not the case.
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  8. #58
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    What big picture? That some parents suck or are abusive? That my parents might have screwed up some, just as I will?

    Can you be more clear?

  9. #59
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    I said it in the second and third sentence above. Why do you people keep asking me to be more clear ?
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  10. #60
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Entropie, all parents will make mistakes, often as a result of their own lacks, or their own blind spots. Some may even wish to redo things over, if they had the chance. In the case of abuse, ongoing hurtful behaviour that isn't changing, or even manipulative behaviour, the grown child does need to care enough for both the parent and themselves to not allow that kind of behaviour to continue. Sometimes proximity is allowing that destructiveness to grow and the parent has no intention of changing and it is doing damage. Then it is time for the grown child to realize that they are just enabling, to firmly draw new boundaries and state them and then back it up with their behaviour. However, I think it is still important that neither bitterness towards that parent nor seeking their approval eventually be the motivation for doing so because both will destroy the grown child and they are likely to remain unsatisfied and ruin their own life in the process. Instead, these lines in the sand are much like the security that a child feels when they know what the rules are and that they will be backed up. It prevents the parent from continuing to create lasting damage, which is actually kinder to them than allowing them to get worse and worse. And it should be from the viewpoint that the parent has problems, rather than that they are a monster of a human being. People don't become what they are out of nowhere, even though they are ultimately responsible for behaving as they do and do need accountability.

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