User Tag List

First 34567 Last

Results 41 to 50 of 89

  1. #41
    Senior Member run's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    MBTI
    INTP
    Enneagram
    5w4
    Socionics
    :run
    Posts
    466

    Default

    When my parents are old, I will take care of them, no question. I'll make whatever sacrifices necessary.

  2. #42
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    FREE
    Enneagram
    594 sx/sp
    Socionics
    LII Ne
    Posts
    42,333

    Default

    I don't think kids "owe" their parents anything. Parents give themselves as gifts to their kids.

    However, a grown adult who can't recognize the sacrifices the parent made for them over the years (esp if they're a parent themselves now) is pretty immature IMO and probably not sensitive to their own kids.

    Unless of course the parents were completely awful.
    That complicates matters.

    The situation gets weirder if there is not much relationship there in adulthood or the parents really ended up screwing the kid over or depriving them in some way. In the end, then, it's a sign of maturity for the child to draw boundaries or choose to extend themselves on behalf of parents even if they felt like they were treated unfairly or deprived in some large way.

    I find that even with some real friction with my parents at times, even unresolved issues between us, I still want to be there for them to some degree. My mom made a lot of mistakes relationally but her heart was always good, and I want to take care of her as much as I can... just as she took care of her parents when they aged. My dad, I've sort of moved to the "abstention" role, but that's primarily because of the choices he made to lock me out of his life; despite being immeasurably hurt by him, I'd be open to a relationship, and I would still help him if I could, though. I just have to be careful to draw the boundaries I need to preserve myself in a relationship like that, where he's not really giving back.

    (He almost died a few years ago and I dropped everything to go down and be with him in the hospital. For what point, sometimes I wonder... but I guess I did it more because it's who I am and what I needed to do to be true to that, not necessarily to appease him.)

    I dunno. I do feel on some level that being able to respect and honor what sacrifices the parents made -- even if they screwed up a lot elsewhere -- and reciprocate is a sign of maturing and love, and especially if one has kids, well, one day the roles get reversed yet again, and the example we give to our kids is what our kids will remember when it comes to dealing with us.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  3. #43
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    6w7 sx/so
    Socionics
    IEI
    Posts
    8,559

    Default

    My mother leaches off her mother and has issues keeping herself in line. If I were to take care of her in her later years I'd be guaranteeing myself, and any spouse I manage to find, a world of debt and misery.

    My father, on the other hand, would rather have a fishing accident than end up a burden on any of us boys. He would also be trouble as he ages, since he has a habit of already not listening to the doctor when it comes to his back.

    This skews my responses from what everyone else seems to be saying.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  4. #44
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    INfp
    Enneagram
    9w1 sp/sx
    Socionics
    INFp None
    Posts
    5,295

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    I don't think kids "owe" their parents anything. Parents give themselves as gifts to their kids.

    However, a grown adult who can't recognize the sacrifices the parent made for them over the years (esp if they're a parent themselves now) is pretty immature IMO and probably not sensitive to their own kids.
    Great post. I'm going to reread it a few times until some of your points sink in.

    Quote Originally Posted by runvardh View Post
    This skews my responses from what everyone else seems to be saying.
    Aw, that sounds rough. Do you still feel like you owe your mother anything, or have you been able to cleanly create boundaries and stick to them?

  5. #45
    ♪♫♪♫♪♫ luminous beam's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    2w3 sx/so
    Socionics
    INFj None
    Posts
    779

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post

    I find that even with some real friction with my parents at times, even unresolved issues between us, I still want to be there for them to some degree. My mom made a lot of mistakes relationally but her heart was always good, and I want to take care of her as much as I can... just as she took care of her parents when they aged. My dad, I've sort of moved to the "abstention" role, but that's primarily because of the choices he made to lock me out of his life; despite being immeasurably hurt by him, I'd be open to a relationship, and I would still help him if I could, though. I just have to be careful to draw the boundaries I need to preserve myself in a relationship like that, where he's not really giving back.

    (He almost died a few years ago and I dropped everything to go down and be with him in the hospital. For what point, sometimes I wonder... but I guess I did it more because it's who I am and what I needed to do to be true to that, not necessarily to appease him.)
    I think there are two categories why you would choose to take care of their parents in old age:
    1) because you want to if your parents were good to you (so for them), because you have that altruistic heart, or for yourself
    2) because you feel the obligation (though you aren't thrilled about it) due to what you think is expected of you or for your family or someone else who loves your parent (even if you don't)

    Some people may have a clear conscience to not have the responsibility of taking care of their parent and not have it affect them deeply or drastically. But in the cases of most, in my opinion, if you've had a rocky relationship with your parents it's usually very crucial to your own well being to get closure. If you didn't get along with them it's not because you don't care, you actually probably cared enough to argue, oppose them, leave, try to ignore them and have them affect you the way they did. In that scenario you are clearly emotionally involved and wounded and the only way that you may be able to heal from this is to confront them, make amends, forgive something from your part and let it go so you can finally move on. Though all this is easier said than done, whatever work it may take to achieve this inner peace will most likely be well worth it.


  6. #46
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    MBTI
    INTP
    Posts
    6,028

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post

    Some people are better at it than others, so hopefully you have a sister that's able to better handle the responsibility. If that's the case, just being supportive of her and the decisions she makes regarding your mom seems pretty reasonable.
    I have a pretty major problem with the idea of pawning aging parents off on the one of the siblings that's more willing to do it. It's tremendously unfair to make one sibling take on the bulk of the responsibility while the others sit back and offer suggestions. The sibling that ends up with the task will be making significant sacrifices, taking time away from their own family, exhausting themselves, etc. It's a fallacy to think that one sister will be magically able to deal with it all so that the others can go on having the lives they want.

    My mother took care of her own mother through a long and arduous battle with cancer. Her brothers did nothing. They came to visit maybe once a year. My mom wasn't a martyr about it, but I watched her make huge sacrifices, and they were able to have their insular lives unaffected by reality. And my grandparents were wonderful people/parents--there was no lingering resentment that would have made the boys reluctant to help. They just figured my mom could handle it, and she lived closer.
    Something Witty

  7. #47
    ♪♫♪♫♪♫ luminous beam's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    2w3 sx/so
    Socionics
    INFj None
    Posts
    779

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Tallulah View Post
    I have a pretty major problem with the idea of pawning aging parents off on the one of the siblings that's more willing to do it. It's tremendously unfair to make one sibling take on the bulk of the responsibility while the others sit back and offer suggestions. The sibling that ends up with the task will be making significant sacrifices, taking time away from their own family, exhausting themselves, etc. It's a fallacy to think that one sister will be magically able to deal with it all so that the others can go on having the lives they want.

    My mother took care of her own mother through a long and arduous battle with cancer. Her brothers did nothing. They came to visit maybe once a year. My mom wasn't a martyr about it, but I watched her make huge sacrifices, and they were able to have their insular lives unaffected by reality. And my grandparents were wonderful people/parents--there was no lingering resentment that would have made the boys reluctant to help. They just figured my mom could handle it, and she lived closer.
    I think you're definitely taking your mom's side on this one, and rightfully so. I think that it's fair that if the parents have siblings, that all decisions and responsibilities be split equally...unless one of the siblings is impaired in some way (physically, financially, etc). However, as unfair as this may sound, there might be one sibling who is better at dealing with the parent. Whether that be through communication, they're seen as the most efficient, capable or responsible. Think about the parent, would it be suitable to send them from state to state if all siblings lived apart from one another? Do you think it's actually possible that all siblings be just as committed and aware to visit their parent on a weekly or even monthly basis if they live far away, have full time jobs and have families of their own? This kind of scenario would be hard on mainly the parent(s) and the sibling in charge, but if the other siblings cannot participate in person, they have to compensate for their time missing in action financially or in any other way that may be suitable. It would be ideal if all siblings lived in the same vicinity as their parent(s) and all contributed an equal amount of time, effort and energy onto taking care of their parent(s). But in most cases, these conditions are not ideal.


  8. #48
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    INfp
    Enneagram
    9w1 sp/sx
    Socionics
    INFp None
    Posts
    5,295

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Tallulah View Post
    I have a pretty major problem with the idea of pawning aging parents off on the one of the siblings that's more willing to do it. It's tremendously unfair to make one sibling take on the bulk of the responsibility while the others sit back and offer suggestions. The sibling that ends up with the task will be making significant sacrifices, taking time away from their own family, exhausting themselves, etc. It's a fallacy to think that one sister will be magically able to deal with it all so that the others can go on having the lives they want.

    My mother took care of her own mother through a long and arduous battle with cancer. Her brothers did nothing. They came to visit maybe once a year. My mom wasn't a martyr about it, but I watched her make huge sacrifices, and they were able to have their insular lives unaffected by reality. And my grandparents were wonderful people/parents--there was no lingering resentment that would have made the boys reluctant to help. They just figured my mom could handle it, and she lived closer.
    Well, I am operating under the assumption that she is using the word "pawn" with some degree of humor. There's a pretty big difference between not wanting to step up to the plate, and refusing to do so when no one else will.

    I actually agree with ugliness of pawning a family member, though. The situation with my mom, her sister, and my grandma echoes yours closer than I care to admit. My mom's sister visits her mother (Alzheimer's instead of cancer, though) every few months, but it's more about shopping and going to the beach than it is about seeing her mother.

    And this... is an improvement. Before, she would breathe down our necks, criticizing our decisions as my mom and myself sacrificed physically, mentally, and financially. It took a phone call where we told her what we do, and started making suggestions about concrete things she can do to help if she isn't happy with our decisions, to make her back off. Turns out she didn't care enough about her mom to start breaking her insulated bubble.

    What I was suggesting to Lady was that if another family member steps up, that she does concrete, realistic things to help shoulder some of the burden. Take mom away for a week (if realistic), help pay some of the bills, visit frequently. Visiting once a year seems more like a move to stay in the will and alleviate a guilty conscious than it does to offer support.

  9. #49
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Posts
    5,349

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    ...
    Agreed on the co-dependency issues. Where would you, personally, draw the line? And why?
    ...
    Maybe we could discuss it in Vent... too many variables. Relationships are multi-faceted and complex. There's no one canned answer. Your question is too broad.

  10. #50
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    7w6
    Socionics
    ENFp
    Posts
    6,075

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    What's the difference between having a child devote themselves to you, vs taking care of you? Especially if you require a high level of care or attention? Where does the boundary get crossed?
    Care of = make sure they are in a good nursing home, if they need it. I don't feel I should be sacrificing my whole life unless that is what I need at the time.

    My dad has told me to please put him in a nursing home if he gets unable to care for himself, he doesn't want me (or my siblings) to be his mom. I think that is appropriate and caring, on his part.

Similar Threads

  1. What do people think of ISFPs?
    By ItsAlwaysSunny in forum Myers-Briggs and Jungian Cognitive Functions
    Replies: 56
    Last Post: 06-14-2015, 05:34 AM
  2. What do people assume your type is? (in real life!)
    By Amethyst in forum Myers-Briggs and Jungian Cognitive Functions
    Replies: 159
    Last Post: 09-02-2012, 05:02 AM
  3. Replies: 90
    Last Post: 07-27-2010, 10:01 PM
  4. [NT] NT: what do you wish your parents had known about you?
    By MonkeyGrass in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 80
    Last Post: 07-04-2009, 12:15 PM
  5. What do people say of you?
    By UnitOfPopulation in forum General Psychology
    Replies: 78
    Last Post: 04-15-2009, 02:24 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO