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Thread: Hitching posts

  1. #1
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Default Hitching posts

    When you notice that you don't "hitch" with someone in particular, what are the most common sources of miscommunication or irritation?

    How do you naturally react to them and have you felt a need to modify your natural reaction throughout the years, or do you find that it works for you?

    I won't include the people I don't have much experience with or that I don't have as much interest in interacting with. However, I find myself drawn to many TJ types. I like the contrast between feeling and thinking and I like the drive of the J for getting things done. On the other hand, many of these types seem very independent, less likely to share their thought processes or show vulnerability, don't feel comfortable with others when they become emotional, and don't wish to burden others with their problems or ask them for help.

    This sometimes makes me feel unsure of what I can contribute to the relationship that would be of value to them. It is unpleasant to only be the one getting help. It leaves me unsure of how they feel about me, because it is rarely verbalized.

    When I am not sure that things are alright between me and them (if we are close), I have a hard time going and doing my own thing until I feel that I know what's going on and have enough information to be able to focus my attention on my own things. They on the other hand are more likely to try to solve an interpersonal problem internally or leave the other person to resolve it alone. I need a little bit of discussion and information exchange. If verbal communication fails, I usually will communicate in writing. In many cases, I've found that both are ignored (they assume I'm just venting and will figure it out on my own) and the issue is never resolved or I assume the worst or get angry at the lack of communication, thereby creating exactly the emotional situation which the TJ is trying to avoid.

    Over time I have learned that saying things more directly and before the frustration gets too great helps, as well as being specific in giving them concrete, less emotional/vulnerable ways they can show support for me so that I can in turn leave them to do their own thing. Some examples of this may be asking for help in some area I have expertise, relying on me in some small way, showing me some part of their thought process about something, allowing me to have input into a decision or considering my opinion and asking more questions before dismissing something. These things all will let out a lot of resentment at feeling ignored or undervalued before it builds up and becomes emotional.

  2. #2
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    I often say a few sentences, that in my mind have a very elaborate and well defined meaning. But that isn't neccesarily projected towards others, because I leave out possible key pieces of information I almost seem to expect people to see.

    I'm neither irritated nor annoyed by it.

    If they miss the point I was attempting to make. I'll put that blame on me for not being clear enough in the first place and try to explain further or get to an understanding.

    edit: Oh, and throughout the years. When I was younger I just fell silent or move on if there was a miscommunication. I guess I wasn't feeling secure enough by my own view on the world and wasn't sure I was right myself in what I would say or do. That I didn't take the time to reach a consensus when such situations arise. So the only thing that seems to have changed is the will to reach an understanding.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  3. #3
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    It's interesting - when my ISTJ dad used to tell me about something and I didn't understand right away, so I asked more questions, he took it very personally (as if I was saying he was a bad teacher) and got frustrated. Of course, it wasn't meant that way at all. It seems in most cases, more information of some sort is all that is missing.

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