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  1. #71
    Senior Member Shimmy's Avatar
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    Thinking of a reason to socialize is actually quite ridiculous. What bad can possibly come of meeting new people? None, right. Now what good can come of it? New friends, relationships, self-confidence, learning things. Not socializing with as many people you can is actually quite illogical.

    Though I must admit I still analyse every single situation and decide whether someone is approachable, and if yes, worth my time.

  2. #72
    Senior Member rainoneventide's Avatar
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    Polite social behavior is also to make other people feel good and comfortable, not just gaining their approval. Think about how your behavior makes people feel. Do you really want them to feel bad and feel like you don't like them? Do you want them to feel as judged as you feel? Do you want them to feel you are rejecting them? Interestingly, like you, I would feel rejected by others when they wrote me off based on my shy demeanor, but I've learned they felt I was the one snubbing them. Step outside of Fi for a minute, and consider the value in making other people feel welcomed and approved. A smile goes a long way in making others feel comfortable. It's a small, but kind gesture.

    Bottom line: it's not all about you and how you feel. As INFPs, we have to come to terms with the fact that there are reasons for the social graces, however phony they seem to us.
    Yeah, making people happy gets their approval.

    Of course I don't want to purposefully make people feel bad. So I uh, never purposefully try to make people feel bad. If they feel bad for my behavior, then that's their problem, not mine. And if someone tries to make me feel bad, I try to remind myself that I alone am in control of my feelings, not them. And if someone tries to make me feel good--awesome, great. And I do like trying to get along with people because it makes me feel good in turn, but that's kind of obvious.

    And yes, it is actually all about you and how you feel. But for some reason you view this as something negative--that if you're not constantly trying to make people feel good, then for whatever reason they won't feel good, and that makes you a bad person for making them feel bad. That's dumb.

    Yeah, everyone is in control of their behavior, so why do you feel as if you're responsible for other people's feelings? Aren't they in control of their own...? Or do you naturally blame the other party when you feel bad?

    Blaming another person for your feelings is a pretty natural thing in our society, but that screws with the whole "you're in control of your own behavior" thing.

    I know that I sound really extreme right now, but I'm thinking of people's behavior as a whole, not a frown vs. smile type thing, if that makes sense. If you honestly feel good making others happy, then there's nothing wrong with that, knock yourself out. But I don't think it's healthy, trying to make people comfortable around you just for the sake of having people comfortable, assuming that it's your duty and it wouldn't be "good" if you didn't try.

    I think what I'm writing sounds as if it's okay to be a grump, but being yourself doesn't automatically make you a mean person that people feel bad around. If you're unhappy with your current behavior, and you're rude to people because you feel as if nobody accepts you for who you are, then yeah, you need to change.
    "So I say, live and let live. Thatís my motto. Live and let live.
    Anyone who canít go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker."
    - George Carlin

  3. #73
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rainoneventide View Post
    Yeah, making people happy gets their approval.

    Of course I don't want to purposefully make people feel bad. So I uh, never purposefully try to make people feel bad. If they feel bad for my behavior, then that's their problem, not mine. And if someone tries to make me feel bad, I try to remind myself that I alone am in control of my feelings, not them. And if someone tries to make me feel good--awesome, great. And I do like trying to get along with people because it makes me feel good in turn, but that's kind of obvious.

    And yes, it is actually all about you and how you feel. But for some reason you view this as something negative--that if you're not constantly trying to make people feel good, then for whatever reason they won't feel good, and that makes you a bad person for making them feel bad. That's dumb.

    Yeah, everyone is in control of their behavior, so why do you feel as if you're responsible for other people's feelings? Aren't they in control of their own...? Or do you naturally blame the other party when you feel bad?

    Blaming another person for your feelings is a pretty natural thing in our society, but that screws with the whole "you're in control of your own behavior" thing.

    I know that I sound really extreme right now, but I'm thinking of people's behavior as a whole, not a frown vs. smile type thing, if that makes sense. If you honestly feel good making others happy, then there's nothing wrong with that, knock yourself out. But I don't think it's healthy, trying to make people comfortable around you just for the sake of having people comfortable, assuming that it's your duty and it wouldn't be "good" if you didn't try.

    I think what I'm writing sounds as if it's okay to be a grump, but being yourself doesn't automatically make you a mean person that people feel bad around. If you're unhappy with your current behavior, and you're rude to people because you feel as if nobody accepts you for who you are, then yeah, you need to change.
    You're putting a LOT of words in my mouth and seeing things in a very black and white way. No one is immune to others' words and actions, and you're in serious denial if you think you cannot affect others' feelings and they do not affect yours. It's called being a human being, honey. It's not so much a matter of responsibility or blame, it's a matter of sincerely caring about people, which it is is clear you do not.

    If you want to justify being self-absorbed and rude, then go right ahead, and continue wallowing in your obvious misery. :rolli:
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  4. #74
    Senior Member stigmatica's Avatar
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    Not feeling good about making someone else happy seems rather counterproductive, don't you think? Would make for a pretty miserable existence, especially if everyone was like that. I associate this lack of empathy with people who are deeply bitter about something, and can't get past it. Are you bitter?

  5. #75
    S Saiyan God Mace's Avatar
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    I used to a lot of times - but it was during my late-teens that my parents told me not to get into people that much.

    ... Generally feel comfortable talking to strangers outside of work, and school hours.

  6. #76
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I am not the kind of person who is likely to start talking to someone in the grocery store lineup, although depending how it is done, I may join in if approached. I don't like chatty people in the elevator. I have ended up visiting with someone on the bus who observed me observing the dynamics between an unusual couple discussing the possibility of becoming pregnant and his assurance that she would no longer have to tie her own shoes.

    I usually attract odd strangers of both genders, without eye contact or talking. It worries me what vibe I'm giving off!

    I have done busking with my fiddle for years however, and quite like the opportunity to interact with strangers and see what kind of adventure the day will bring. It is a safe way to make eye contact and be very extraverted without bringing danger to myself (I always make sure that I am hooked up with some business for whom I'll bring customers in exchange for them doubling as bouncers when needed). It is a great way to observe people and to also check hypotheses about people. It has made me considerably more assertive and I've realized that this can be done in a pleasant but very unmistakeable way. It has helped me to trust my intuition as well.

    When I travel, I also enjoy meeting strangers because it allows me to experience the place I am travelling to much differently.

  7. #77
    Senior Member rainoneventide's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    You're putting a LOT of words in my mouth and seeing things in a very black and white way. No one is immune to others' words and actions, and you're in serious denial if you think you cannot affect others' feelings and they do not affect yours. It's called being a human being, honey. It's not so much a matter of responsibility or blame, it's a matter of sincerely caring about people, which it is is clear you do not.

    If you want to justify being self-absorbed and rude, then go right ahead, and continue wallowing in your obvious misery. :rolli:
    I don't know where you read that I think people are immune to other people's behavior. We have feelings and things affect our feelings; we're not automatons.

    Let me make my post clearer: People have the choice to control and accept their own feelings. This doesn't mean that people have the control to not feel anything. I still think it's really weird that you think being myself automatically means I don't "sincerely care about people". That doesn't make sense at all, seriously. Maybe for some people this can be true, and you can go ahead and label them whatever the hell you want, but you don't know me.

    Er, and you can continue making rude comments to someone who has a different outlook than yours? I'm sorry that you think I'm self-absorbed, rude and uncaring for holding the views I expressed in my posts, but labeling me isn't going to make me change my mind and share your same opinions. It's kind of hypocritical, your "I care about people and want to make them happy, except when they're different" thing. That's what I got from the way you type, though.

    I could feel pretty pissed off and sad right now from your comments (especially since you called me honey, jesus I hate it when people call me honey that way), but I'm not going to let those feelings overcome me because I'm in control, not you. Seems like you're trying real hard, though.

    But you really are making a great example of my whole point--expressing your opinions and being yourself can offend other people, and they might want you to change. But being true to yourself and your opinions, despite people's perceptions of you, despite their castigation, despite not being "right", is extremely noble. And in my opinion, people who scorn you for your opinions don't have enough confidence in their own. And no, believe it or not, I'm not trying to sound sappy... despite what you may think. But anyone's welcome to think what they want; it's got nothing to do with me.
    "So I say, live and let live. Thatís my motto. Live and let live.
    Anyone who canít go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker."
    - George Carlin

  8. #78
    Freshman Member simulatedworld's Avatar
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    Sure, extroverts do this frequently.
    If you could be anything you want, I bet you'd be disappointed--am I right?

  9. #79
    Senior Member Jaguar's Avatar
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    I'm the type of person who will grab one of those stupid-assed magazines in the grocery line,
    and say to everyone standing there:
    "Isn't this absolute bullshit?"

    Everyone laughs.

    I have no boundaries between myself and others.
    I speak to strangers as if I have known them for 20 years.
    It comes so naturally to me, I don't even really think about it.

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