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  1. #51
    Senior Member stigmatica's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheChosenOne View Post
    No offense, but I would secretly hate it if someone did that to me. I don't like to chit chat with strangers at all. When I'm out doing chores or something, I mind my own business.
    Cultural - take my word for it.

  2. #52
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    small advise, don't be friends with just anyone, I didn't have any one I related to up here until very reacently, but I tried being friends with someone I didn't have much in common with, and I was unhappy. (ie they were shallow, and didn't get my sense of humor) Now I know people who have similar interests as myself and just in general cool to hang out with, I do stuff more, now I'm not all like go out every night type of person, but I found when I gave up on finding anyone I related to was when I found people I did want to spend my time with. I guess since you don't have a job or anything, that might not happen. hmm I don't know how to pick up strangers off the street, nor have ever had the desire to either.
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  3. #53
    Senior Member Misty_Mountain_Rose's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Athenian200 View Post
    This may seem like a silly question, but it's one that it never occurred to me to ask before, because I would always stop my train of thought at lack of transportation, which isn't an issue now that I know how to use public transportation.

    I always assumed that they didn't, except maybe to offer someone passing by money to help them with something that wouldn't take much effort. I don't know why.

    The reason I'm asking it, is because... well, I'm realizing that sitting indoors all the time, just having the same conversations about food and politics that I've been having with my mom for the past few years simply because I don't have a job or an existing circle of friends, probably isn't very healthy.

    I'm thinking that I would benefit from being able to go somewhere and observe how people interact with each other, even if I don't feel comfortable participating at first. Some place sort of like the cafeteria in high school, I guess. Occasionally I'd manage to approach people there, but the rest of the time I'd just eat, or sit there and listen to the conversations going on around me. I felt a lot more stable then... now it seems like I have to actively pull interaction from the Internet all day long (particularly this forum) just to retain a sense of my own existence.

    It's also come up because I'm realizing that I won't be able to find a job right away now that I've started looking, but the problem of my uncomfortable level of isolation and deterioriating, outmoded social skills still remains.

    So I suppose what I'm really asking is, do people ever go places to engage in non-goal oriented interaction, simply because they feel like interacting with or observing interactions with people? And, is this considered acceptable?


    I bolded the parts above because they kind of throw off some warning signs to me. I could be way off, but the fact that you are noticing that you're in an unhealthy pattern, that you are losing your sense of self unless you are online and the increasing level of isolation scream at me about the research paper I did a few years back on Internet Addiction.

    Part of it reads:

    "Dr Young notes that, contrary to popular belief, introverts (Nowadays I would have changed this word after studying MBTI so long to 'shy people') are not the main demographic to get hooked on the internet. Nearly 80% of all her tentatively diagnosed addicts were primarily drawn to the two-way communication forums, chat rooms and interactive games... and they were not shy. "When the addicts were asked to describe themselves, four of the top six answers were bold, outgoing, open-minded and assertive." (Young, 1998) The irony to all of this is that while the internet is used mainly for communication, extensive use is almost always associated with a decline in the users' communication with real life friends and family. There is also a "noted decline in the size of their social circle as well as increases in depression and loneliness." (Shaffer, 2002)

    The full thing is here Composure... if you care to read it. I could be far off base, but if you're feeling like your only outlet to the real world is the internet, then you may need to take some steps to start balancing out your online time with other interests. It would probably help you tremendously.


    I highly encourage you to find an interest group (Meetup.com is pretty cool) and get out to meet some new people!
    Embrace the possibilities.

  4. #54
    Senior Member NewEra's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by stigmatica View Post
    Cultural - take my word for it.
    Maybe you're right, where do you live? I would say that the entire New York metro area as a whole is introverted.

  5. #55
    full of love Kingfisher's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheChosenOne View Post
    I would say that the entire New York metro area as a whole is introverted.
    really? when i lived in east harlem it seemed pretty extroverted and friendly to me. i have not seen big portions of new york though, so maybe you are right.

  6. #56
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    you already know what you need to do...go do it.
    when i was 5, i was learning how to swim. after a moth of lessons, i still wouldn't go into the deep end. one time coach picked me up and threw me in the deep end. i panicked at first but then i let go and all of a sudden i was swimming. then i started having fun cuz not only could i swim, but i could swim in the deep end. felt like i owned the entire pool.

    i meet people at food places, libraries, swimming pools, clubs (though don't really bother getting to know people at clubs), line for a movie...think of what you would say to the person...and then go say it. how people react is not your problem, how you do, is.

  7. #57
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    I usually only interact with them when there's some sort of prior connection, such as eye contact and a smile. But when that occurs, I can't help but interact at least a bit more with them.

  8. #58
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheChosenOne View Post
    Maybe you're right, where do you live? I would say that the entire New York metro area as a whole is introverted.
    It can be like that on the subway, since everyone is wearing their headphones and trying not to make eye contact. But if you ask someone for directions or start commenting on the weird guy screaming about the apocalypse, you will notice that half the car will join in on the convo.

    But as a whole, I think we New Yorkers are pretty damn extroverted, but don't really show it unless approached.

  9. #59
    Senior Member stigmatica's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    It can be like that on the subway, since everyone is wearing their headphones and trying not to make eye contact. But if you ask someone for directions or start commenting on the weird guy screaming about the apocalypse, you will notice that half the car will join in on the convo.

    But as a whole, I think we New Yorkers are pretty damn extroverted, but don't really show it unless approached.
    Your writings are like the antithesis of the stereotypical view on New Yorkers... certainly Brooklyn. My first experience with New Yorkers didn't come til I was 18. The main difference in general between them and a Southerner, is they tended to be more outspoken and honest. If a typical Southerner tells you your being stupid, you've probably really pissed him/her off. If a New Yorker tells you, they're just telling it like it is, no real insult intended. Am I right? You just have to learn that the degrees of meaning are quite different.

  10. #60
    Senior Member Shimmy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffywolf View Post
    Everyone has a goal, wether it is to get to know someone or to get a piece of information. That was my point.
    Well, okay, but then sometimes the goal of just talking to people would be to 'just talk to people', which is kind of a fallible argument.

    Quote Originally Posted by Athenian200 View Post
    Hmm... well, now you've got me thinking about it again. Perhaps there are such places and ways of doing things, if you say they exist. Sounds like the start of a conversation can be rather simple, too.

    If you believe they can be taught, and it's not too late even for someone like me, I'll believe that... I've got to believe that.
    Hell no it's not too late. You can still learn maths at a late age, can't you? The thing is, if you don't have it naturally or don't 'feel' it, just learn it. There's a hugh amount of resources that can help you with this. I'll pm you some tips.

    Quote Originally Posted by rainoneventide View Post
    I don't know what's with people here giving the crappy advise that you should "go here" and "smile there" and "be this" and "do this there."

    That type of advise is exactly what's making you so hesitant to just go out there and be who you want to be and do what you want to do. If you force yourself to do something because you feel like you should, then that probably won't sufficiently cure your unhappiness. You'll be living your life based on someone else's set of rules instead of your own.

    It's okay to be quiet. It's okay to feel unsure, and scared, and intimidated, and nervous, and shy. There's nothing wrong with those feelings because that's just the place you are now in your life. It sucks, it really does. It's a pain in the ass, and it's scary as hell. But it is the way it is, y'know?

    Accept who you are--don't bully yourself or put yourself down for not being something you're currently not. Accept all your feelings, even the negative ones. They are only your mind's reminder that something needs to change in your life--they're fuel for your fire.

    Here's my advise:
    Try not to feel like you have to talk to or smile at people. But try and recognize what you want to do, and then try to figure out what's stopping you from doing the things you want to do.

    I think the only reason you're hesitating is because of your fear of social interaction--you're afraid that you'll do something "wrong," or won't do something that other people have said you "should" do. And hey, this fear is perfectly understandable. You're not used to being around strangers. It's the unknown, and we're all inherently afraid of the unknown as a survival skill.

    Just try and tell yourself every day that there is nothing you should or should not do. You write your own rules. If you don't feel like being sociable, then don't--just walk in that building, ask for an application, fill the sucker out, and hand it over. Yes, you'll probably feel insecure and way out of your element, and that's fine. You're going to feel like the world you're so familiar with is shattering, and that's fine.

    Just try and not let these feelings overwhelm and control your life any longer.

    Eventually, if you keep pressing on, those feelings will dissipate and finally disappear. And you will feel incredibly strong, especially for making it all that way on your own terms, blazing your own path.

    I'm going through the same exact thing you're going through now, and man, I feel really dumb too. But you're not dumb. We're not dumb. We're in a shitty place right now, but if we grit our teeth and start the painful ascent, we will get there. We're going to slip and fall, and we're going to feel like it's not worth it. But if we keep climbing, we will arrive at the destination we want to reach. And I guarantee you that there will be thousands more below us, hesitating like we did before, and we will reassure and encourage them.

    It's all easier said than done, but it'll be fine. Take each day at a time, even if you're scared shitless.

    I hope this post makes sense!
    Some people have to learn things the hard way. I have to force to study each day. Not that I don't like studying, and I certainly like to pass my classes, but I'm the worlds worst procrastinator and things never get done with me.

    When I try a new way of studying, to see if it would benefit my concentration and motivation everybody's encouraging me because the old way clearly didn't work. However when someone tells he's going to 'learn' social skills people get judged very easily.

    Off course you should always remain yourself. But if you want to change an aspect of your personality you're not happy with, this will require lot's and lot's of effort and will almost by definition mean you have to step out of your comfort zone. Athenian200 should be happy that he gets so much step-by-step advice instead of abstract concepts like: Be more confident, or Be engaging.

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