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  1. #41
    Senior Member rainoneventide's Avatar
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    I don't know what's with people here giving the crappy advise that you should "go here" and "smile there" and "be this" and "do this there."

    That type of advise is exactly what's making you so hesitant to just go out there and be who you want to be and do what you want to do. If you force yourself to do something because you feel like you should, then that probably won't sufficiently cure your unhappiness. You'll be living your life based on someone else's set of rules instead of your own.

    It's okay to be quiet. It's okay to feel unsure, and scared, and intimidated, and nervous, and shy. There's nothing wrong with those feelings because that's just the place you are now in your life. It sucks, it really does. It's a pain in the ass, and it's scary as hell. But it is the way it is, y'know?

    Accept who you are--don't bully yourself or put yourself down for not being something you're currently not. Accept all your feelings, even the negative ones. They are only your mind's reminder that something needs to change in your life--they're fuel for your fire.

    Here's my advise:
    Try not to feel like you have to talk to or smile at people. But try and recognize what you want to do, and then try to figure out what's stopping you from doing the things you want to do.

    I think the only reason you're hesitating is because of your fear of social interaction--you're afraid that you'll do something "wrong," or won't do something that other people have said you "should" do. And hey, this fear is perfectly understandable. You're not used to being around strangers. It's the unknown, and we're all inherently afraid of the unknown as a survival skill.

    Just try and tell yourself every day that there is nothing you should or should not do. You write your own rules. If you don't feel like being sociable, then don't--just walk in that building, ask for an application, fill the sucker out, and hand it over. Yes, you'll probably feel insecure and way out of your element, and that's fine. You're going to feel like the world you're so familiar with is shattering, and that's fine.

    Just try and not let these feelings overwhelm and control your life any longer.

    Eventually, if you keep pressing on, those feelings will dissipate and finally disappear. And you will feel incredibly strong, especially for making it all that way on your own terms, blazing your own path.

    I'm going through the same exact thing you're going through now, and man, I feel really dumb too. But you're not dumb. We're not dumb. We're in a shitty place right now, but if we grit our teeth and start the painful ascent, we will get there. We're going to slip and fall, and we're going to feel like it's not worth it. But if we keep climbing, we will arrive at the destination we want to reach. And I guarantee you that there will be thousands more below us, hesitating like we did before, and we will reassure and encourage them.

    It's all easier said than done, but it'll be fine. Take each day at a time, even if you're scared shitless.

    I hope this post makes sense!
    "So I say, live and let live. Thatís my motto. Live and let live.
    Anyone who canít go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker."
    - George Carlin

  2. #42
    Senior Member dotdalidot's Avatar
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    Hmm. I find the best way of meeting people is to somehow manage to meet one person(works best if that person is an extrovert) who can introduce you to their circle of friends. Then you can branch off from there. Also, don't force yourself to be something your not, like forcing yourself to be extroverted, if you don't want to. It's best to do what comes natural. If no one wants to accept that, then that's fine. But most often then not, they will.

    It's okay if it takes longer than expected, to find the right friends, but it's best to build it up slowly, and know that it isn't a race.

    I don't know, I think I kind of digressed there, sorry. >.<

  3. #43
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rainoneventide View Post
    I don't know what's with people here giving the crappy advise that you should "go here" and "smile there" and "be this" and "do this there."
    So what makes your advice so non-crappy? Everyone has different methods that work for them, and we offered our methods and experiences sincerely. There is no need to have a crappy attitude.

  4. #44
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rainoneventide View Post
    I don't know what's with people here giving the crappy advise that you should "go here" and "smile there" and "be this" and "do this there."

    That type of advise is exactly what's making you so hesitant to just go out there and be who you want to be and do what you want to do. If you force yourself to do something because you feel like you should, then that probably won't sufficiently cure your unhappiness. You'll be living your life based on someone else's set of rules instead of your own.

    It's okay to be quiet. It's okay to feel unsure, and scared, and intimidated, and nervous, and shy. There's nothing wrong with those feelings because that's just the place you are now in your life. It sucks, it really does. It's a pain in the ass, and it's scary as hell. But it is the way it is, y'know?

    Accept who you are--don't bully yourself or put yourself down for not being something you're currently not. Accept all your feelings, even the negative ones. They are only your mind's reminder that something needs to change in your life--they're fuel for your fire.

    Here's my advise:
    Try not to feel like you have to talk to or smile at people. But try and recognize what you want to do, and then try to figure out what's stopping you from doing the things you want to do.

    I think the only reason you're hesitating is because of your fear of social interaction--you're afraid that you'll do something "wrong," or won't do something that other people have said you "should" do. And hey, this fear is perfectly understandable. You're not used to being around strangers. It's the unknown, and we're all inherently afraid of the unknown as a survival skill.

    Just try and tell yourself every day that there is nothing you should or should not do. You write your own rules. If you don't feel like being sociable, then don't--just walk in that building, ask for an application, fill the sucker out, and hand it over. Yes, you'll probably feel insecure and way out of your element, and that's fine. You're going to feel like the world you're so familiar with is shattering, and that's fine.

    Just try and not let these feelings overwhelm and control your life any longer.

    Eventually, if you keep pressing on, those feelings will dissipate and finally disappear. And you will feel incredibly strong, especially for making it all that way on your own terms, blazing your own path.
    :rolli:

    Of course it is okay to be shy and scared, etc. But it seems she was looking for practical advice, not a sappy speech on staying true to yourself.

    I'm very shy, and going about my normal business, not talking to many people, and keeping isolated does not make me new friends or improve my social skills. What I advised works for me to an extent. No one is saying if she tries these approaches that she will magically have a social life overnight. Maybe they won't work for her personally, and of course it will be awkward and difficult and she will do and say the "wrong" thing at first, but if she makes no effort, then she is stuck where she is.

    "Making your own rules" is arrogant & selfish - learning from other people shows humility, and being friendly when you don't feel like it shows concern for other people's feelings. Social interaction is mostly about "should" and "should nots". You can learn to play the game, or go down fighting it.

    The reality is, employers are not understanding of shyness. If you are awkward and aloof in asking for a job, then they make a note of it. Having good social skills is probably more marketable than being very talented or intelligent in this world. I've learned that the painful way, so I know.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  5. #45
    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rainoneventide View Post
    I hope this post makes sense!
    Yes, it does, but I think you've misread a lot of the advice because you're an FP/Fi user. It's different for you. It's like, I'm not looking for a complete set of "shoulds" to the point of ignoring my own goals, so much as I'm looking for confirmation that I'm not alone in feeling like this, and informal direction that's inline with what I already know I want to do, so I can have an idea of how I might approach it. The thing is, I know WHAT I want to do, but I don't know how or where to find it, or if it even exists. Hearing that it does, and that it's within reach, gives me confidence.

  6. #46
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Athenian200 View Post
    Yes, it does, but I think you've misread a lot of the advice because you're an FP/Fi user. It's different for you. It's like, I'm not looking for a complete set of "shoulds" to the point of ignoring my own goals, so much as I'm looking for confirmation that I'm not alone in feeling like this, and informal direction that's inline with what I already know I want to do, so I can have an idea of how I might approach it. The thing is, I know WHAT I want to do, but I don't know how or where to find it, or if it even exists. Hearing that it does, and that it's within reach, gives me confidence.
    You are so diplomatic which means you are well on your way!

  7. #47
    violaine
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    @ rainoneventide: These aren't "Shoulds". Just advice from people who may have felt similarly and people who are very sociable. Being true to oneself also means that we sometimes have to adapt our ways to achieve what we really want and not let fear hold us back if it is. "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got" may sound kind of lame but it is sage advice.

    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    You are so diplomatic which means you are well on your way!
    Yup, +1

  8. #48
    Senior Member NewEra's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by stigmatica View Post
    What! That's crazy talk, Fluffy. Ok, perhaps if they actually go out of there way to get to your location and chit chat, yes.... but geez, I talk to people in line at stores, on benches, even walking opposite directions on a sidewalk all the time! I mean, if someone's walking the other direction (man or women) and they are carrying, say, a book I just read... I might be inclined to start up a chit chat on the subject, just because the commonality strikes me as interesting. I'm not looking for Honkey Tonkey, I'm just being friendly.
    No offense, but I would secretly hate it if someone did that to me. I don't like to chit chat with strangers at all. When I'm out doing chores or something, I mind my own business.

  9. #49
    Senior Member rainoneventide's Avatar
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    I'm sorry if I've offended anyone, it wasn't my intent at all. I didn't create that post with a crappy attitude; I projected my thoughts and advise in my own voice from my own experiences--I guess I'm a natural sappy speech writer.
    In my opinion, the "you should smile at people" and "you should be etc." advise is still really crappy, but it's my opinion, not a fact. I do see now that you were looking for concrete advise on real actions to take; I apologize for not catching that beforehand.
    "So I say, live and let live. Thatís my motto. Live and let live.
    Anyone who canít go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker."
    - George Carlin

  10. #50
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rainoneventide View Post
    I'm sorry if I've offended anyone, it wasn't my intent at all. I didn't create that post with a crappy attitude; I projected my thoughts and advise in my own voice from my own experiences--I guess I'm a natural sappy speech writer.
    In my opinion, the "you should smile at people" and "you should be etc." advise is still really crappy, but it's my opinion, not a fact. I do see now that you were looking for concrete advise on real actions to take; I apologize for not catching that beforehand.
    Fair enough. I took no issue with what advice you gave - I just didn't appreciate you casually dismissing everyone else's advice and calling it crappy. But no need to beat a dead horse.

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