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  1. #1
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    Default Somethings I need to get off my chest

    Am actually feeling depressed, as I was drinking last night and I believe two of my friends are not speaking to me, one of them being my best friend you know the one with the messed up house. Sometimes I think they act childish. Just because I didn't go to mosque with him he is avoiding me. Well I don't care about him, forget him too then. I'm going to miss his wife more though. Anyway...

    That's why I wish I never had friends - I prefer acquaintances. Its too much hard work keeping relationships with friends. I'm a passive person, and I think am also vulnerable and sometimes I think I get taken advantage of for my avoidance of arguments and not being assertive enough. Right now I feel so depressed and have this stupid feeling in my gut. I just wish I could get away from them. I seriously need to get married then I have an excuse to cut friendships off. I don't feel these guys are really my friends. My life will amount to nothing if I stick around with them. One of my friend is a religious extremist and the other is a coke addict. So am either going to become a coke addict or a religious fanatic. Am doomed either way.

    I just wish I could get this fear and attachment out of me. But am afraid that I might need them sometime. My probation officer she even agrees, shes made me think about things even though she is a woman. Its because of my friends I couldn't marry the girl of my dreams its because of friends I've lost my license twice, its because of friends I started drinking, its because of friends am doing probation, its because of friends I have an antisocial attitude. Its because of friends I started smoking skunk which messed me up the most because I still have paranoia effects even though I don't smoke it anymore, that is what gave me all this fear inside me. Its because of friends spent over 15K of my dads money in the space of 4 months year.

    This month is good opportunity for me to find a proper job - if my friend (the religious one) doesn't call me tonight then forget him am never going to speak to him. And my coke addict me am going to speak to him and give him a hint I don't want to hang around with him. I like closure and I like to know where I stand with people. I think in the end I have to choose the religious path because I also have relatives I want to avoid to. So If am at the mosque and all the time and working all the time. They will not bother with me. Getting married will help me out, in the end I think I have to patch things up with the religious friend. Because at least there's structure and order there. And am going to see him at the mosque anyway. It will also make my dad happy too. Plus I can read Islamic books, and give sermons too, I wanted to do this anyway. And my wife (to be) will also be happy with this. And maybe, I'll start believing in god too. But I know when I do something I do it to the extreme so I know I will be a real hardcore Muslim a real fundamentalist.

    Its so messed up, normally when I used to be this low, I could pray to god, and feel better now I can't even do that. And it just compounds the feeling that I am so helpless Its also most like am being bullied. But no one is actually psychically hitting me. I don't trust my friends, the only way I can make this fear go away is to degrade them in my mind, and actually physically attack them becouse its so stupid, I think they are going to attack me. I just feel one of my "friends" is going to attack me. So I want to get away from them, or am going to end up attacking them. Because am getting angry and depressed I'll rather be angry then depressed at least I can protect myself. With depression, it consumes me, I just want to go to sleep, and I don't want anyone to touch me.

  2. #2
    Senior Member niffer's Avatar
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    Maybe you should...make some friends that you can really talk to. Like you're supposed to with friends. It might help.
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  3. #3
    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
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    This sounds painful, Sona. You seem like you're really going through a lot in your life right now, and you don't have any experience/structure to fall back on. It makes sense that you don't feel safe or cared about, all the others around you have hurt you by pushing you into bad situations.

    I understand why you want to go back to religion, but it just seems like you're so aware of things you don't like about it that you can't stay with it. I don't know what you should do. I don't envy your situation. Good luck.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by niffer View Post
    Maybe you should...make some friends that you can really talk to. Like you're supposed to with friends. It might help.
    I can't talk to people like this face to face. I have issues but I know I'd be able to talk to like a girlfriend/wife like this, as that has worked in the past. Mainly I just want to be left alone, with a woman or something because I want to feel safe its so stupid. When I was younger I was a mommy's boy and I was so dependent on her, now she is working all the time. I don't have the same thing there, like when I was younger. I could hug her cry on her shoulder and feel better, I felt safe. I sound like such a girl, but if any man was going through what I am right now, he would top himself. I feel so helpless every time, I think about it I get so much fear inside me. I wake up having nightmares, I need to touch someone or hold someones hand and not let go of it. Am fearing something and I don't know what the hell it is and its bugging me. I sound like such a girl though.

  5. #5
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    This sounds painful, Sona. You seem like you're really going through a lot in your life right now,
    Am not going through alot, I have everything on a plate. But I don't have control around friends. Before I didn't care did everything with my friends, but now things have really changed. Because out of peer-pressure, am getting into trouble. I get lead on so easily. I have no power anymore. And its like since I left my religion, before I had power and did not fear humans. Out of nowhere this fear has come onto me. Fear of people, fear of being alone. I used to love being alone. Now I just want a woman to be in the same room as me, becouse I am so scared of I don't even know what. And I keep thinking I'll be alright if theres a woman there. if theres a man there I get even more fear I think he is going to attack me or something.

    and you don't have any experience/structure to fall back on. It makes sense that you don't feel safe or cared about, all the others around you have hurt you by pushing you into bad situations.
    I don't have experience, and I don't have a safe place to go to. Before I used to throw all my trust in god I used to feel happy. Now am scared of teenage boys on my street. Same boys who wouldn't even lift there heads up at me. Now its almost like, they can tell am scared.

    I understand why you want to go back to religion, but it just seems like you're so aware of things you don't like about it that you can't stay with it. I don't know what you should do. I don't envy your situation. Good luck.
    The things I don't like it, the last prayer, which is too long and the morning prayer which is too early. Apart form that I don't have much issues with it, even though I had issues with some of the hadith, but I don't really care about them anymore.

  6. #6
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    if you ask me i think you should take some time out for yourself (a good month or more) and do some things you want to do without feeling guilty or whatnot .. then after that things should fall in place ..

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    Quote Originally Posted by alexkreuz View Post
    if you ask me i think you should take some time out for yourself (a good month or more) and do some things you want to do without feeling guilty or whatnot .. then after that things should fall in place ..
    I'd love to do that. What I'd really love is being on speaking terms with my friends and then me going on a holiday. Or better yet going to Punjab, getting married to my fiancee. And staying with her for 2 years at her place, where no one can get to my and I'll have control of the situation.

    Here I can't do it, am scared of going out, in case I see my friends.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Sahara's Avatar
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    You already know what I think about your mood and how to fix it, two options, one stay in religion livibg to please others and fill your role in life as expected of OTHERS and not you, be miserable the whole time but hey, your filling your role so what's a bit of misery?

    Or option two, leave religion, leave your proscribed role, stop thinking that shaitan sleeps in your nostrils, start to deconvert yourself basically, stand up against friends and family and be a man, and eventually find happiness in YOUR path and not that laid out for you.

    EDIT: I'm guessing for an ISTJ option one is more helpful.
    "No one can be free of the chains that surround them"

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sona View Post
    Here I can't do it, am scared of going out, in case I see my friends.
    fear is a good thing .. it means youre doing something right ..

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sahara View Post
    You already know what I think about your mood and how to fix it, two options, one stay in religion livibg to please others and fill your role in life as expected of OTHERS and not you, be miserable the whole time but hey, your filling your role so what's a bit of misery?
    I don't think I'd be miserable if I did this. I'd feel proud if I manged to do it. I'd be a great sense of achievement for me. Even though I'd be a fundamentalist Muslims brother, I'd get satisfaction out of impressing the sisters. They listen to sermons at home, and I know they talk so fondly of the brothers who give really violent almost jihadi type sermons. I'd get enjoyment out of getting all that admiration from Muslim girls.

    Or option two, leave religion, leave your proscribed role, stop thinking that shaitan sleeps in your nostrils, start to deconvert yourself basically, stand up against friends and family and be a man, and eventually find happiness in YOUR path and not that laid out for you.
    I can't stand up to them anymore. I can do this, it sounds nice. But I don't have the non Muslim woman to do it with. I need a woman who I could live with and move out of my own families house.

    Am scared of conflict. And I have deep fear. Am not even fasting properly. But I don't know what am doing, am stick in two worlds. I hate my friends.

    EDIT: I'm guessing for an ISTJ option one is more helpful.
    I don't know.

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