Am actually feeling depressed, as I was drinking last night and I believe two of my friends are not speaking to me, one of them being my best friend you know the one with the messed up house. Sometimes I think they act childish. Just because I didn't go to mosque with him he is avoiding me. Well I don't care about him, forget him too then. I'm going to miss his wife more though. Anyway...
That's why I wish I never had friends - I prefer acquaintances. Its too much hard work keeping relationships with friends. I'm a passive person, and I think am also vulnerable and sometimes I think I get taken advantage of for my avoidance of arguments and not being assertive enough. Right now I feel so depressed and have this stupid feeling in my gut. I just wish I could get away from them. I seriously need to get married then I have an excuse to cut friendships off. I don't feel these guys are really my friends. My life will amount to nothing if I stick around with them. One of my friend is a religious extremist and the other is a coke addict. So am either going to become a coke addict or a religious fanatic. Am doomed either way.
I just wish I could get this fear and attachment out of me. But am afraid that I might need them sometime. My probation officer she even agrees, shes made me think about things even though she is a woman. Its because of my friends I couldn't marry the girl of my dreams its because of friends I've lost my license twice, its because of friends I started drinking, its because of friends am doing probation, its because of friends I have an antisocial attitude. Its because of friends I started smoking skunk which messed me up the most because I still have paranoia effects even though I don't smoke it anymore, that is what gave me all this fear inside me. Its because of friends spent over 15K of my dads money in the space of 4 months year.
This month is good opportunity for me to find a proper job - if my friend (the religious one) doesn't call me tonight then forget him am never going to speak to him. And my coke addict me am going to speak to him and give him a hint I don't want to hang around with him. I like closure and I like to know where I stand with people. I think in the end I have to choose the religious path because I also have relatives I want to avoid to. So If am at the mosque and all the time and working all the time. They will not bother with me. Getting married will help me out, in the end I think I have to patch things up with the religious friend. Because at least there's structure and order there. And am going to see him at the mosque anyway. It will also make my dad happy too. Plus I can read Islamic books, and give sermons too, I wanted to do this anyway. And my wife (to be) will also be happy with this. And maybe, I'll start believing in god too. But I know when I do something I do it to the extreme so I know I will be a real hardcore Muslim a real fundamentalist.
Its so messed up, normally when I used to be this low, I could pray to god, and feel better now I can't even do that. And it just compounds the feeling that I am so helpless Its also most like am being bullied. But no one is actually psychically hitting me. I don't trust my friends, the only way I can make this fear go away is to degrade them in my mind, and actually physically attack them becouse its so stupid, I think they are going to attack me. I just feel one of my "friends" is going to attack me. So I want to get away from them, or am going to end up attacking them. Because am getting angry and depressed I'll rather be angry then depressed at least I can protect myself. With depression, it consumes me, I just want to go to sleep, and I don't want anyone to touch me.