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  1. #31
    Senior Member ptgatsby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Athenian200 View Post
    Wait, are you saying that most people have that illusion of control, or don't have that illusion of control? And did you mean that I tend to be driven by other people? If you did, that might be true... the impulses I tend to have are the ones to follow rules, avoid damaging reactions, and give things to/benefit other people, even at my own expense.
    I mean that most people think they have a driver - that person that sits in your mind, talking to you, directing you. In reality, it is an illusion. We decide, then the person tells us why we chose it... we act, then decide that we wanted to act. There is no one really driving us.

    Ah, I probably had very good reasons for repressing those prompts. There's always been a certain degree of feeling like some kind of irrational "sense" of myself and impulses linked to it don't match up with my actual physical nature, and the dichotomy pushed me to trust my mind rather than my gut (not my intuition, more my impulses), because my gut was very obviously giving me the incorrect or non-applicable impulses all the time, according to feedback from my environment.
    That's exactly what I'm describing.

    Think of yourself like a black box - a computer, of sorts. Inside of your mind, you have a whole bunch of cards plugged into a motherboard (read: a whole bunch of parts of your mind that specialize and communicate). The "driver" in your mind is really just the CPU - you'd think the CPU was running the show, but it's not. It's really transforming information that is pulled from various locations, sent to specialized areas and then putting it together. The CPU really does nothing in and of itself, but if you asked it, it'd say it runs the show.

    The way this "box" works, hardware aside, is by having you act. If you act and it "hurts", you record this information elsewhere (ie: cache/write to permanent memory). The next time you go to act in the same way, you don't rework the outcome rationally (ie: CPU doesn't get the information from specialized inputs/hardware), you "short cut" by pulling the outcome from your cache/hard drive and present the decision... a de facto decision.

    That's how normal people work. But if you were to start caching in a way that bypassed the dedicated hardware (that specializes in, for example, social situations) with a complex emulation, you end up with an approximation of what the outcomes would be.

    I can use myself as an example here. When I was young, I was bullied, and my "extroversion" hardware got jumped over entirely, to the point where social interaction was always cached as "avoid, hurts". It didn't hurt my ability to be social, however, it only stopped me from genuinely being able to relate to others. (See social anxiety: behavioral impact)

    Each situation is fairly unique and complex, but... that's what I'm getting at. Chances are that you have attempted to bypass your base impulses by creating a... "firewall" (wrong context, but close enough)... around the bridges that lead to your dedicated hardware. Instead, you are interacting with topical input and dedicated routines that you created to bypass and replace dedicated hardware... simply because the dedicated hardware gave you "painful" (dissonance counts) outcomes.

    /abusing analogies, one day at a time. Hope that makes any kind of sense.

    I guess I've just got to decide where and how to start, exactly.
    Exactly I'd say you should try to decide what you want, but... that's useless advice. Much better to stick with "where do I start", and then doing it... over and over.

  2. #32
    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ptgatsby View Post
    I mean that most people think they have a driver - that person that sits in your mind, talking to you, directing you. In reality, it is an illusion. We decide, then the person tells us why we chose it... we act, then decide that we wanted to act. There is no one really driving us.
    It's more complicated than that for me. I usually feel as if there are several people in my mind talking to me, offering suggestions. Then there are people outside my mind, but they have equal weight. They all influence a decision process. I just have an awareness as... being the mechanism that everything gets directed into to run comparisons and process things. That probably has something to do with what I was trying to convey by choosing things like a Command Prompt and a Protocol Droid as avatars. The song that I relate to most uses "we" instead of "I."


    Think of yourself like a black box - a computer, of sorts. Inside of your mind, you have a whole bunch of cards plugged into a motherboard (read: a whole bunch of parts of your mind that specialize and communicate). The "driver" in your mind is really just the CPU - you'd think the CPU was running the show, but it's not. It's really transforming information that is pulled from various locations, sent to specialized areas and then putting it together. The CPU really does nothing in and of itself, but if you asked it, it'd say it runs the show.

    The way this "box" works, hardware aside, is by having you act. If you act and it "hurts", you record this information elsewhere (ie: cache/write to permanent memory). The next time you go to act in the same way, you don't rework the outcome rationally (ie: CPU doesn't get the information from specialized inputs/hardware), you "short cut" by pulling the outcome from your cache/hard drive and present the decision... a de facto decision.

    That's how normal people work. But if you were to start caching in a way that bypassed the dedicated hardware (that specializes in, for example, social situations) with a complex emulation, you end up with an approximation of what the outcomes would be.

    I can use myself as an example here. When I was young, I was bullied, and my "extroversion" hardware got jumped over entirely, to the point where social interaction was always cached as "avoid, hurts". It didn't hurt my ability to be social, however, it only stopped me from genuinely being able to relate to others. (See social anxiety: behavioral impact)

    Each situation is fairly unique and complex, but... that's what I'm getting at. Chances are that you have attempted to bypass your base impulses by creating a... "firewall" (wrong context, but close enough)... around the bridges that lead to your dedicated hardware. Instead, you are interacting with topical input and dedicated routines that you created to bypass and replace dedicated hardware... simply because the dedicated hardware gave you "painful" (dissonance counts) outcomes.

    /abusing analogies, one day at a time. Hope that makes any kind of sense.
    Okay, that seems like it makes sense. I hope that the dedicated hardware isn't actually damaged and unusable, so I can to switch back to it eventually. I have a feeling the emulation is very limited in comparison.
    Exactly I'd say you should try to decide what you want, but... that's useless advice. Much better to stick with "where do I start", and then doing it... over and over.
    Got it. I'll see where that leads me.

  3. #33
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    You seem fairly intellectual, so I don't understand your avoidance of university. You could go to college, increase your chances of getting a better job, find what you're actually interested in, and conveniently put off some of the decisions you're avoiding and/or are intimidated by.

    I know that I put off college for a few years, but when I started it eventually has given me a much greater hold upon my life, more confidence in myself and hope for the future.

    I also agree with the people who suggested that you find a job in walking distance/biking distance in the meantime.

    Have you considered therapy for helping you overcome your anxiety? I don't mean that in a condecending way at all - therapy can really help when life seems overwhelming. I know from personal experience.

  4. #34
    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    You seem fairly intellectual, so I don't understand your avoidance of university. You could go to college, increase your chances of getting a better job, find what you're actually interested in, and conveniently put off some of the decisions you're avoiding and/or are intimidated by.

    I know that I put off college for a few years, but when I started it eventually has given me a much greater hold upon my life, more confidence in myself and hope for the future.

    I also agree with the people who suggested that you find a job in walking distance/biking distance in the meantime.

    Have you considered therapy for helping you overcome your anxiety? I don't mean that in a condecending way at all - therapy can really help when life seems overwhelming. I know from personal experience.
    Thanks for offering your advice, but I would say that your advice is, in fact, very limited to personal experience, and your experience seems different from mine.

    You seem to have the inherent assumption that I have easy access to resources and options like university and therapy. I actually don't at this point, and would need to overcome my anxiety in order to get into a position to undergo therapy, at which point I might no longer need it. I'm somewhat interested in school, but not at the expense of achieving my main goal later.

    This is a mistake many make... the assumption I have access to more resources and help than I do. I stand alone. Everyone (in the real world) is apathetic to my welfare until I give them a reason to care, usually monetary. This is because I haven't formed the sort of connections and ties to people that would cause them to care about me as a person to such a degree that they would consider helping me just because I'm in need of something. Most people do, and I probably should have, but I didn't think of it until it was too late and the best opportunities for it had passed.

  5. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Athenian200 View Post
    Thanks for offering to help, but I would say that your advice is, in fact, very limited to personal experience, and your experience seems different from mine.

    You seem to have the inherent assumption that I have easy access to resources and options like university and therapy. I actually don't at this point, and would need to overcome my anxiety in order to get into a position to undergo therapy, at which point I might no longer need it.

    This is a mistake many make... the assumption I have access to more resources and help than I do.
    Ok. The thing is, though, is that in many places there are ways to get therapy even if you're low income. Getting therapy doesn't necessarily mean paying for a wealthy shrink. I don't have a great deal of resources, either. I go to college on grants, loans, and scholarships. My parents don't pay for a dime of it, because my family is comparitively poor.

    I don't know how to help you overcome your anxiety, but there might be more resources available to you than you think even if you don't have a lot of money.

  6. #36
    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    Ok. The thing is, though, is that in many places there are ways to get therapy even if you're low income. Getting therapy doesn't necessarily mean paying for a wealthy shrink. I don't have a great deal of resources, either. I go to college on grants, loans, and scholarships. My parents don't pay for a dime of it, because my family is comparitively poor.

    I don't know how to help you overcome your anxiety, but there might be more resources available to you than you think even if you don't have a lot of money.
    Well, it's not really anxiety, I think. It's something closer to lack of motivation. Might be depression, but it doesn't seem that bad. I'd still like to see if any of that goes away once I start making progress first, though. I'll need therapy for something else later on as part of a goal I have, anyway.

    I'll reconsider college, though. It's worth taking another look at. I'll just try to weigh out everything that's been said and come to a conclusion.

  7. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by Athenian200 View Post
    I'll reconsider college, though. It's worth taking another look at. I'll just try to weigh out everything that's been said and come to a conclusion.
    You only have 8 hours a day to earn money. If you work for $10/hr, you will do it for every and never get ahead. You need to identify a field that pays real money and then get trained for it. You went to school for 12 years already. Another 2 or 4 years to prevent a lifetime of subsistence is worth it.

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