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Thread: Boy Problems

  1. #1
    Senior Member niffer's Avatar
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    Default Boy Problems

    There are some...that stop talking to me after I have made it apparent that I do not like them back as more than friends. I have lost a number of male friends this way. It is extremely bothersome because I can always tell from the moment they talk to me what their intentions are (actually, it's just that I'm always suspicious, but my suspicions always turn out to be right), and I'm waiting for them to drop the question any second. This puts a lot of pressure on me because I almost always really enjoy talking to them, and since I KNOW what they want and I KNOW I'm going to reject them, I am also aware of the fact that they might not feel so great about talking to me the same way after I do.

    However, this brings up another thought:

    Would they have talked to me and made friends with me in the same way if they DIDN'T like me?

    And is there any way to stop this? This is beginning to form a perturbingly consistent, observable pattern that has agitated me to no end.
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    Senior Member Kyrielle's Avatar
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    I think it would help if you stopped suspecting that at any moment they'd ask you out. It probably makes you look really nervous and that can make it seem like you like them (this is all based on the theory that when you DO like someone, you get nervous). And it'd make you feel better about enjoying their company.

  3. #3
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by niffer View Post
    However, this brings up another thought:
    Would they have talked to me and made friends with me in the same way if they DIDN'T like me?

    And is there any way to stop this? This is beginning to form a perturbingly consistent, observable pattern that has agitated me to no end.
    Kyrielle's advice is very practical -- it does not do you much good to sit and worry about it, on one level, and to fret or put up walls needlessly could undermine any "real" relationships you might have developed others with males your age.

    As you have described, I think it's inevitable and especially in your age bracket that you will get many boys talking to you -- you have a wonderfully "alive" personality and you're very beautiful physically. All of which makes you attractive to any teenage boy, especially when their hormones are kicking in and they're still learning how to deal with themselves and those types of feelings.

    Which is some ways might sadden you, since you can end up feeling objectified. But I do not see a good way around it.

    You should remember that just because a boy is attracted to you in a romantic/sexual sense does not mean they don't necessarily find you attractive as a person as well. Most likely, their motivations are mixed; it is just the priority is that when they feel that attracted to someone, they want to date them, and if they aren't available to date, then there are many other women out there who could be available.

    Male hormones are very powerful, especially in puberty. The drive is absolutely insane, and the boys your age have not really had time to develop mastery over it or experience with how to sort it all out. The sort of relationship you are looking for with men will become more more prominent in ten years and later, as their hormones settle down a little and they also have had their own experiences and learned how to deal with them (i.e., they are in control of the desires and can look past them for something deeper). You will find isolated individuals who are more mature at an earlier age, but in general many of the males who you relate to at your age will have a hard time not letting their minds wander into the romantic or sexual direction just because of biology.

    Another small point of irony is that everyone has problems. Women who aren't the object of men's interest often feel unloved or undesirable and want badly just to have someone notice them. You have the opposite problem -- you're not sure their interests are "authentic." Part of it is the age bracket and the impact of physical puberty.
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    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Boys that age are also really insecure. When they stop talking to you it is because they probably feel really embarrassed and rejected. If you can think about ways to express that you are not interested in more than friendship, but at the same time make them feel secure, it might help.

    Insecurity is the driving force behind most of the behaviors around Junior High school age kids.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    Male hormones are very powerful, especially in puberty. The drive is absolutely insane...
    Good grief, yes! I remember being in the living room of a young lady I'd come to pick up to take on a date, trying to converse with her father, and presently she came down the stairs ready to go.

    Immediately my heart was pounding, I heard the blood rushing through my ears, I broke out in a cold sweat...momentarily lost the power of speech...couldn't think to save my life...

    I think I was seventeen at the time, and Nicole was eighteen. She was (and probably still is) lovely. Nothing came of the date.

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    Glowy Goopy Goodness The_Liquid_Laser's Avatar
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    Here's what you do:

    Find a boy that isn't interested in you and doesn't have a girlfriend. Befriend him and hang around him a lot. Other guys will think you are dating and will leave you alone if they want to date you. Then any guy you get to know after that will be (more or less) satisfied to be your friend. ...And if you find a guy that you want to date, then let him know that all these guys are just your friends and that you aren't dating anyone.
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    Quote Originally Posted by The_Liquid_Laser View Post
    Find a boy that isn't interested in you and doesn't have a girlfriend. Befriend him and hang around him a lot. Other guys will think you are dating and will leave you alone if they want to date you. Then any guy you get to know after that will be (more or less) satisfied to be your friend. ...And if you find a guy that you want to date, then let him know that all these guys are just your friends and that you aren't dating anyone.
    If she was older, we could just tell her to wear a wedding ring.

    (Is there anything comparable nowadays, where you could say you're dating someone from another school?)
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  8. #8
    Senior Member JivinJeffJones's Avatar
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    I don't think there's really any way around it. You could refuse to build friendships with boys you were sure liked you that way but you did not like back, but that wouldn't work much either. TV has programmed into us the idea that any attractive friend of the opposite sex will probably turn into a romantic option at some point. Thus you could make friends with guys who aren't interested in you only to find that they will become interested in you later. Added to this is the fact that (in my experience) teenage girls are naturally very flirty even when they don't intend to be. Especially ENFPs. Trust me. Thus their male friends can very easily think that they are receiving mixed signals.

    As for the guys backing away from the friendship, don't take it too hard. I've done it myself. It doesn't necessarily mean that they were only interested in possible romance from the friendship. It could just be that they find it less painful to avoid you (valued friend though you may be) than to be friends with you and get over those feelings. I've experienced your side too, kind of -- I've lost a lot of good female friends who got married and immediately stopped communication, even though I hadn't thought there was anything even slightly romantic or flirtatious in the friendship. It sucks, but it's life.

  9. #9
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    I can tell you for sure, nothing makes a guy feel more like a nebbish than getting shot down romantically by a girl he's interested in. Oh, wait...scratch that...the one thing that makes him feel like MORE of a nebbish is to continue to hang out with the girl who shot him down. It's like he's saying "Okay, I'll continue to be your puppy just in the hopes that you might one day decide you're interested in me." It's hard on a guy's self-respect.

    This perception is not your fault, and in fact may have nothing to do with you at all; it's a function of the guy's self-image. That's not fair to you, but does explain things I think.

  10. #10
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    niffer, what would you think of focusing on your base of female friends? At the age you're at this does seem very practical. That could give you a friendship foundation that lasts through all the 'boy storms' you will encounter throughout your teens and twenties. For every boy that stops talking to you, replace them with a girl. Boys are going to be unstable at your age, and even unstable when much older at times. The love me or i'll ignore you thing never completely goes away. It happens even in college, but not with the same intensity/consistency as Junior High. Do any of these guys have a sister who is a fun girl and a potentially more reliable friend for you?
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
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    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
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    I want to be just like my mother, even if she is bat-shit crazy.

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