Thats good to know others sometimes also feel like that.I empathize with what you responded to me with, and I understand how convoluted and confusing the reasoning can get (I have written journal entries to myself that sound much like what you're saying, where you're angry about getting angry over being angry, etc...) That's the typical mark of the introverted intellectual (IxTx type), as far as I can tell.
Its not to do with Muslim male culture. I was at the mosque last night, the men actually cry at the mosque when the sermon is being delivered and I'm the only person who's not crying and I think maybe there is something wrong with me. Sometimes I get emotions when they are talking about the prophets etc. However, when they are talking about prophets living up to 900 years, and prophets doing celestial travailing on a buraq to me this all sounds like nonsense I mean travailing at the speed of light with no protection through space makes no sense to me. And that too on an animal its illogical. And I feel bad for questioning who gives me the authority to question this. Maybe I don't understand something. And I think if I be honest with myself most of my anger comes from here. Because I want to be told the truth.Right now, you do have a lot of self-pride and can't bear the thought of potentially being laughed. Okay. That's where you are, then. Much of the laughter realistically is inside of you... unless you have spent a lot of time around people who WOULD laugh at you for admitting such things. (Is that what the male Muslim culture is like? Honestly? )
Theres always a fear there for me, which I can't get over. And the fears about going to hell, even though hell seems illogical to me. And furthermore I don't want to miss out on my 72 virgin brides in heaven.Anyway, other people are giving you more practical information, while mine is more general, so I will stop. I'm simply saying I feel bad that you have those sort of experiences, I am trying to "recalibrate" your thinking so you know that alternatives to your perceptions exist, and I want to encourage you to be brave and push ahead and embrace all of you... not just the logical parts.