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  1. #21

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sahara View Post
    My solictor says that we can appeal and hold up the process for a few more months but at the appeal they will make the same order, and that she knows this stinks...."But if he does anything then blah blah blah" because hey, I might survive.
    Does she usually handle these kinds of cases? Regardless, it might be in your interest to shop around on the internet, getting in touch with support networks (surely they exist - I can't believe you're alone) to see if you can't glean any advice useful to your situation. Sometimes it seems like the courts operate like an assembly line churning out case after case, but it might be worthwhile to throw some grit in the gears.

  2. #22
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sona View Post
    a that won't happen, you're just beating yourself up. I know its hard for you, but you have to be strong. Take it on the chin and move on.
    I understand why you talk about the father still having the right to see his children (and that is about the only thing here I can sympathize with on Sahara's ex's side, even if I believe him to be a sorry excuse for a person, and even then, I don't sympathize MUCH)...

    ... but it's very easy for a male to say this sort of thing when you're not the one liable to be beaten, killed, stoned, set on fire, have acid thrown on your face, or a whole other host of evils perpetuated on you... and not be able to adequately remove yourself from that danger because the courts place the father's rights to his children higher than his ex-wife's right to live without being afraid and wondering if she'll be dead the next day.

    Am I exaggerating? I don't know.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  3. #23
    Senior Member ptgatsby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sona View Post
    No father would ever think about harming his own kids deliberately.
    Holy crap are you naive. This happens all the time. In many places of the world, double digit percentage versions of "all the freaking time".

  4. #24
    Senior Member Lateralus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ptgatsby View Post
    Holy crap are you naive. This happens all the time. In many places of the world, double digit percentage versions of "all the freaking time".
    You're correct, unforutunately.
    "We grow up thinking that beliefs are something to be proud of, but they're really nothing but opinions one refuses to reconsider. Beliefs are easy. The stronger your beliefs are, the less open you are to growth and wisdom, because "strength of belief" is only the intensity with which you resist questioning yourself. As soon as you are proud of a belief, as soon as you think it adds something to who you are, then you've made it a part of your ego."

  5. #25
    Member mystery's Avatar
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    big hug to my honey hey he will mess up ...its his nature for he very arrogant man that belives he has never done wrong ...and that in itself will be his down fall ....

  6. #26
    Senior Member Sahara's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by runvardh View Post

    In Canada a crack whore gets her kids and allamony over a car mechanic with no abuse record. Dope that out...
    The thing is I can show you that same example in the UK, the courts are so erratic in their judgements, one court denies access with no violence, just because the mum says he is bad, and anothr court rules he cane see them inspite of the risk and the violence.

    I know guys who would wish to be judged as easily as he was.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lateralus View Post
    You're making perfect sense.
    You have some nice hugs there.

    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    You make perfect sense to me, but I'm not sure that's a good thing.
    Thanks cafe, personally I think it's a good thing that you understood me, but that could be because I am bias.

    Quote Originally Posted by ptgatsby View Post
    I have no idea why they concluded this... probably some fairness doctrine. Who says fathers are unfairly disciminated against? Yeesh... You personally should feel let down. The only thing, as crappy as it is, I can advise is to start looking forward for ways to protect yourself and your kids. Anything you do is better than nothing... Don't get too trapped in the unfairness that you ignore the practical ramifications.

    But this totally sucks



    Yah Come to Canada!
    Yes, that's what I realised yesterday, I can't let this knock me down as much as it did yesterday, I wish I could take back the moment where he got to see me crying and shattered, in which when the judge wasn't looking he was making rude gestures towards me and smirking with pure joy at my distress. That I would take back, that he not see how upset it made me.

    I have to think about a forward plan, I just don't know what, no matter where I look, he will be there as a shadow, seeing the children, finding out where I am from them, and eventually being able to come face to face with me for a hand over, no matter what i do.

    I want to immigrate, but with an order I don't think I can anyway, at least not yet although that is a plan now.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    Yes, she definitely is.

    Unfortunately. Sigh. And I have read far too many "bad ending" stories about women and "restraining orders" to feel good about Sahara being protected by the legal system at all, anymore.
    I have heard them too Jennifer, that's why I am so upset, they never learn their lesson it seems, only a few weeks ago was the case of another honour killing, in which she had pleaded with the police to protect her, and was eventually found buried in a suitcase in the garden.

    But to say anything against him would be to be victimizing him based on his religion, as he is prone to saying.

    It's such a mess.

    Ok way forward....way forward.......wall........
    "No one can be free of the chains that surround them"

  7. #27
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ptgatsby View Post
    Heh heh, ain't that the truth


    And appeal. Absolutely appeal.
    the guy I know in that situation got it up the ass every time he tried
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  8. #28
    Senior Member Sahara's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lateralus View Post
    I would appeal anyway. Something might happen to change the judges mind between now and then.
    I have 6 days to decide if I want to appeal, I am still thinking about it as she said it wouldn't make a difference.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sona View Post
    Na that won't happen, you're just beating yourself up. I know its hard for you, but you have to be strong. Take it on the chin and move on.



    Look they are also his kids, surely his not stupid enough to mess with their mental health. No father would ever think about harming his own kids deliberately. You'll be alright. You just need to give it a try it might work out.

    I hope you feel better soon!
    You are wrong, so wrong, you just don't get it do you....what happens to me when the kids ask their dad for a bacon sandwich? or when they say "Mummy said evolution is where we came from" or "Mummy is not a muslim anymore"?

    Even if my ex doesn't do it, someone else will sort me out on his behalf.

    Now that he has access it doesn't matter where I go, he is allowed to know, I will not be safe, and you don't know him.

    Don't brush off fears that you have no understanding of.

    I also disagree strongly that such a violent man, who did those things to me INFRONT of his children, already fucking up their head, has any right to see his kids.

    He never ever did anything for his kids whilst I was there, he left us hungry for 3 weeks whilst he spent the household budget on himself. We had to beg the neighbours for food once. He is an asshole, he doesn't deserve it.

    Quote Originally Posted by sundowning View Post
    Does she usually handle these kinds of cases? Regardless, it might be in your interest to shop around on the internet, getting in touch with support networks (surely they exist - I can't believe you're alone) to see if you can't glean any advice useful to your situation. Sometimes it seems like the courts operate like an assembly line churning out case after case, but it might be worthwhile to throw some grit in the gears.
    She hasn't as it happens, infact I have had 6 solicitors on this case, all leaving midway and throwing me another, again I feel because no one wants to argue the angle.

    I will consider what you said about a new solicitor for the appeal.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    I understand why you talk about the father still having the right to see his children (and that is about the only thing here I can sympathize with on Sahara's ex's side, even if I believe him to be a sorry excuse for a person, and even then, I don't sympathize MUCH)...

    ... but it's very easy for a male to say this sort of thing when you're not the one liable to be beaten, killed, stoned, set on fire, have acid thrown on your face, or a whole other host of evils perpetuated on you... and not be able to adequately remove yourself from that danger because the courts place the father's rights to his children higher than his ex-wife's right to live without being afraid and wondering if she'll be dead the next day.

    Am I exaggerating? I don't know.
    Not exaggerating the way I see it, I am genuinely fearful of what will happen to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by mystery View Post
    big hug to my honey hey he will mess up ...its his nature for he very arrogant man that belives he has never done wrong ...and that in itself will be his down fall ....
    I hope so, I really do.
    "No one can be free of the chains that surround them"

  9. #29
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Religion is just an excuse for this kind of stupidity. It's really not unusual for white Anglo men over here to kill former partners (sometimes along with the kids) despite the fact that we have no set tradition of honor killing or anything like it. Women can get protective orders, but they have no teeth or real protection.

    It was last year, I think, when a girl at my older daughter's school was a victim of a multiple murder. Her mother's ex killed her, her sister, and her mother. We also had a recent case of a guy drowning his sons in a lake while he had them for visitation.

    Why do they think these men are just going to magically stop being violent? And why is race and/or religion an excuse for something that happens across all races and religions?
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  10. #30
    Senior Member Sahara's Avatar
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    Anyway, I want to thank everyone who gave me a hug and advice, I'm signing off for the night, I need to think in solitude for a bit, try to make some sense of what is the best way forward.

    Goodnight
    "No one can be free of the chains that surround them"

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