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Thread: Apologies

  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by kyuuei View Post
    I am too. That's why I will not forgive, or pretend to, if I am not really meaning to forgive.. even if I don't want to, if my logics tell me in the end that it's unfair to not forgive, I go with my gut and do it.

    If I mean to get them back, I don't accept apologies.
    Thank you for the reply. I must clarify that I never did accept the apology. I did let it be known that things were not "alright" and I couldn't forgive.

  2. #22
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    ^ I don't think that "getting back" is necessarily an evil mindset.. Sometimes, in few situations, it may be justified.. I'm not the sort of person to think that human nature and feeling 'even' are beneath me.
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  3. #23
    Filthy Apes! Kalach's Avatar
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    I think being sorry and saying sorry are different things. Being sorry means you do something or alter something and it doesn't ever happen again.

    Likewise, if it looks to me that it can or will happen again, then once I get done with being angry, I adjust. (Adjusting doesn't mean accepting. It means moving on or moving out or removing the chance for that thing to happen to me again.)



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  4. #24
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    I forget but I don't forgive.

  5. #25
    Senior Member Bufo's Avatar
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    Apology is sometimes like the repentance of the thief who stole some melons only to find later that they were green and hard and definitely not good to eat. They apologize because they run the risk of harm the offended ones may cause.
    One should not aim at being possible to understand, but at being impossible to misunderstand. - Quintilian

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bufo View Post
    Apology is sometimes like the repentance of the thief who stole some melons only to find later that they were green and hard and definitely not good to eat. They apologize because they run the risk of harm the offended ones may cause.
    Sometimes. But sometimes it's like - Look I did what I had to do, I'm sorry it hurt you.

  7. #27
    Senior Member Anja's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SUPER View Post
    Has anyone ever done something to you that even when they apologized you have not accepted it? Especially after time has passed. Do you think; "the past is the past, the person apologized so let bygones be bygones and let's not hold a grudge" or do you think "its too late, i am not accepting the apology and i do not want to talk to that person ever again".

    just something i am curious about in others. I will usually accept an apology and smooth things over but certain things I cannot
    I can accept an apology. That doesn't mean I'll magically reconnect with a person. I appreciate the effort. And I think I can usually tell when it's being done only because the person is trying, selfishly, to regain something they don't want to lose.

    I don't generally use the occasion to rant about my sense of betrayal. That usually just restarts the cycle. So I say, "Thank you. I appreciate that." Which I do. It's a sort of compliment to me.

    We have become masters of the sly apology in this country schooled by our role models. If a person "apologizes" with a lot of reasons or excuses for their behavior I don't take it very seriously.

    And if a person apologizes and then adds something like, "I did it because YOU did that." then I'm outta there. Forget it. Don't need to hear it. That's not an apology. That's an invitation to the dance.

    A nice clean apology requires a genuine admission that I've hurt someone and a sincere regret that I did so. That's the clean kind of apology I like to give. And receive.
    "No ray of sunshine is ever lost, but the green which it awakes into existence needs time to sprout, and it is not always granted to the sower to see the harvest. All work that is worth anything is done in faith." - Albert Schweitzer

  8. #28
    The Memes Justify the End EcK's Avatar
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    I think society says I owe alot of those.
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  9. #29
    movin melodies kiddykat's Avatar
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    It depends on the severity of their actions & intent.

    If it's minor petty stuff- I care less. In general, I forgive easily. I leave room for mis-communication.. Sometimes people do grow up.

    If their actions take a lot to hurt me, either vindictively or callously, I forgive in order to move on. I don't forget. Trust is something I value. Once it's crossed, I can't truly give that trust person again if it takes that much premeditation to be that malicious. I keep my distance. In other instances, if they're that careless about how they treat others, I keep my distance, too. in different scenarios, when I re-evaluate the extenuating circumstances- then I may be able to trust again depending on the situations that occur before & after.. It really depends.

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  10. #30
    Senior Member Anja's Avatar
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    I want to say something more about the "sly apology." That's the kind of apology with the hidden agenda of turning the onus back on the person who was offended/harmed.

    It doesn't, by nature, obligate the apologizer to take responsibility for his actions. But rather turns the situation around to make the receiver responsible for the apologizer's unkind actions. Sometimes the implied message is "I wouldn't have done it if you. . ."

    Or it might go like this - "I'm sorry IF you were offended by my behavior." And the unspoken sentence behind this kind of apology seems to be that the person is just innocently doing what he thinks is right.

    Well, that immediately discounts the offended one's emotions. It's usually obvious already that the person IS offended. And it begs the question of whether the offended one has the rational right to be offended. Puts the focus wrongly on the offender's perceived needs and not the feelings of the hurt one.

    I'm saying it doesn't address the actions of the apologizer at all. There's quite a bit of unspoken value judgement behind that kind of "apology."

    Sometimes people are so adept at glibly dropping these nonapologies that we accept them and later realize that we feel even more disatisfied than we did before the apology. And rightly so. We have been double gotcha-ed!

    A good apology will acknowledge that I have done something which hurts another. I don't need to justify it or put a value judgement on it at all. My intentions may have been totally good.

    I focus on the result of my actions - that I hurt someone. And I work my apology out from that angle. No other explantion of why is necessary.

    I did something which hurt you. I am sorry that you are hurt. That's it.

    Edit: More. And if the receiver doesn't jump to the temptation to seize the moment to rant he will generally be happy that his hurt feelings were addressed and an attempt was made to remedy the hurt. Cuz that's what it's supposed to be about right?

    The doesn't mean "the issue" will go away, but it's a start if practiced sincerely.
    "No ray of sunshine is ever lost, but the green which it awakes into existence needs time to sprout, and it is not always granted to the sower to see the harvest. All work that is worth anything is done in faith." - Albert Schweitzer

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