[MBTI General] INTJs and ISTPs

[Gobbledegook]

I'm INTJ and I have a crush on an ISTP girl. I just love her wit. Only problem is, we've only warmed up to each other recently and then she suddenly disappears due to work commitments.

I know for sure she's under extreme stress, since she hasn't even stayed in contact with her brothers, who are close to her (I know both of them). Took some time to analyze that, but when I got to the conclusion, I was pretty much feeling triumphant . Anyway, I figured the best thing to do is to give her space for the moment.

I have three questions:
1. ISTPs are not the ideal match for an INTJ. It's possible it might work so I was wondering if there are any INTJ/ISTP pairings out there? What are the qualities you see in each other that brought you together?
2. Is there anything I should do for now?
3. Believe me, I would prefer to be more straight-forward in my feelings, but is it better to hold back and give her lots of space to work around with? I know ISTPs are generally non-committal.

 

[Kasper]

I can only answer part of your first question to say that one of my close friends is an ISTP chick and is about to marry an INTJ guy, it certainly can work

 

[Rebel Nun]

I have three questions:
1. ISTPs are not the ideal match for an INTJ. It's possible it might work so I was wondering if there are any INTJ/ISTP pairings out there? What are the qualities you see in each other that brought you together?
2. Is there anything I should do for now?
3. Believe me, I would prefer to be more straight-forward in my feelings, but is it better to hold back and give her lots of space to work around with? I know ISTPs are generally non-committal.

1) I am ISTP and dated an INTJ for 7 months. I was initally attracted to his independent-mindedness and somewhat his sense of humor.

2) Don't do anything now. She is probably VERY overwhelmed with work stress, and adding a new relationship would just double the stress. Give her space and don't force anything on her or she will prob fight back or just not contact you for a while. Stay in the background but let her know now and then you are still around.

3) Yes, hold off with sharing your feelings until the other stress is gone or diminished. Once you do contact each other again, go slow and be gentle.

 

[yugyug]

I have three questions:
1. ISTPs are not the ideal match for an INTJ. It's possible it might work so I was wondering if there are any INTJ/ISTP pairings out there? What are the qualities you see in each other that brought you together?
2. Is there anything I should do for now?
3. Believe me, I would prefer to be more straight-forward in my feelings, but is it better to hold back and give her lots of space to work around with? I know ISTPs are generally non-committal.

1) I waver between being INTP and ISTP, so maybe my marriage to an INTJ works better than a relationship between a definite ISTP & INTJ. We've known each other 11 years and been married 9 of it. Our many common interests and an appreciation for each other's humor probably kept us dating. What seems to help keep us together is his intuitiveness about and my laid-back acceptance of people and each other.
2) Go slow. Let her know you're there if she needs anything, but be accepting that she doesn't have much time to think about you while she's focused on work and is stressed. Since you know her brothers, they may come in handy eventually in letting the word get back to her that you're interested. Play it by ear and use your instincts on timing for that.
3) It may depend on the ISTP, but I know that when my INTJ was straight-forward about his feelings but not pushy for me to reciprocate and definitely never came across as clingy, that helped me to slowly like the idea of having him around. When we were dating casually and he hadn't seen me for a while, he'd either call to see how I was or email to say he missed me and looked forward to the next time I came over. He was very patient and let me set the pace of our relationship. He assured me in several ways that he never wanted to take away my independence and, in fact, loved that about me. Make sure she has her freedom. If she likes you, she'll stick around.

 

[Eddisbury]

Gobbledegook, I think you're right about giving her space. I'm an INTJ who has spent the last few months gently pursuing a girl I think is an ISTP. If I moved too far/fast, she backed off, but the little things gave away that she was interested. She's hopeless at talking about her feelings, but this weekend I felt I had to at least try and explain how I felt. I got grumbled at for 'going all deep and meaningful', so I switched to giving logical statements about how and why I felt the way I did, and I made clear I didn't want to curtail her independence. It seemed to work, I felt closer to her afterwards, and I've been rewarded with a couple of phone calls since - and phone calls are not her strong point. Tonight, I really want to ring her, but we've a date for Thursday and I know that contacting her today is more likely to harass her than please her. So I'm being patient, very patient.

But my god, its hard!

 

[INTJMom]

I'm INTJ and I have a crush on an ISTP girl. I just love her wit. Only problem is, we've only warmed up to each other recently and then she suddenly disappears due to work commitments.

I know for sure she's under extreme stress, since she hasn't even stayed in contact with her brothers, who are close to her (I know both of them). Took some time to analyze that, but when I got to the conclusion, I was pretty much feeling triumphant . Anyway, I figured the best thing to do is to give her space for the moment.

I have three questions:
1. ISTPs are not the ideal match for an INTJ. It's possible it might work so I was wondering if there are any INTJ/ISTP pairings out there? What are the qualities you see in each other that brought you together?
2. Is there anything I should do for now?
3. Believe me, I would prefer to be more straight-forward in my feelings, but is it better to hold back and give her lots of space to work around with? I know ISTPs are generally non-committal.

I have been married to my ISTP husband for 26 years!
Neither he nor I are good at maintaining relationships; we're both troubleshooters.
That's not a great thing. We neglect each other's emotional needs I think. He's something of a workaholic. But we make a great team. We work well together.

one
​

1. I was first attracted to my husband because of his generally self-assured attitude. Some people call it "cocky".
2. We have great chemistry. (va-va-va-voom!)
3. He treated me gently.
4. We're both honest, loyal and trustworthy.
5. We were both brought up Catholic and like helping people and doing good deeds.

two
​

Giving her space is good, but I also suggest you contact her if you can, like email or texting or voice mail and leave her a message. You could even ask her out for a date, something light like coffee house kind of thing. I think you should let her know you're thinking about her.

three
​

I don't know. I didn't scare my husband away and I was pretty intense! I was on the prowl for a husband though, so I wasn't interested in hiding my feelings. We exchanged rings in the first week! I asked him to marry me a month later.


PS:
ISTP are not romantically aggressive btw. She will prefer if you make the moves.
If she's had her heart broken a few times, she might be a little gun-shy.


Anyway, I wish you good success.

 

["?"]

Interesting because someone started a thread today on the same subject, however I think he is the ISTP and she the INTJ. You can follow the thread here, but it sounds as though you two are in similar predicaments with identical types.

 

[Windigo]

INTJ wife/ISTP husband

It is good advice not to crowd an ISTP since their number one aversion is a loss of freedom and personal choice.

After letting my ISTP husband know I was interested. I (an INTJ) actually avoided him for about a year. I entered his life again by calling him to ask about my car. (Natural troubleshooters--and they enjoy being helpful). Then it was two steps forward three steps back for about 6 months.

I made him gun shy with my directness. (Can we please clarify this? Are you actually asking me out on a date?) He still doesn't like answering a direct question and hates feeling pressured or like I am analyzing him and trying to figure him out. (He especially hates this personality stuff).

It didn't take long for the relationship to advance once he decided he was ready. He asked me to marry him 6 weeks after we began dating and we were married 3 months later. ISTPs are quick to get results once they know what they want.

I agree with INTJ mom's assessment. We enjoy each other's humor immensely and we have tremendously wonderful chemistry. We love Adventure/Action/Sci-fi books and movies and we love working on our house together. We also enjoy discussing politics, God, science and technology. He doesn't think my constantly evolving theories are insane. We both like adventure such as hiking, diving and boating. We also enjoy just hanging out and not talking. We're comfortable reading next to each other or hanging out on the couch with our laptops.

We get into trouble because I like to plan things (like travel) far in adavance and he prefers to take things one day at a time. (Although he admits to liking the savings I get for booking flights, hotels, car rentals during the "off" season.)

He also doesn't like the fact that I am constantly trying to avoid trouble (I see where my kids are going with attitudes and behaviors and look for similar scenarios in the world around us to direct them to before they make the same mistakes). He prefers not to worry about tomorrows trouble "since each day has enough worries of its own." However I prefer to keep a lookout for troublesome trends and head them off at the pass.

He used to lecture me about the danger of "what ifs" of course he's seen over the past 8 years that my what ifs usually become truth so he's learning to trust my insight.

I also had to learn to trust his "gut" feelings (without explanations or evidence to back them) and not make him feel like I didn't trust him when I challenge his ideas. I have a tendency to come off like a know-it-all but I really am just looking for all possible scenarios before making a decision.

Another trouble is that I am always reorganizing our house for maximum efficiency which he hates because he has to relearn where everything goes. Which leads to the final difficulty . . . when we do argue/fight he become intensely annoyed that I am almost always calmly trying to figure out why he's angry and solve it which only makes him even more angry because he feels like I am analzing him in a doctor/patient relationship rather than a wife/husband relationship.

I have had to learn to let him say what he needs to say with out commment and even let him walk out the door and disappear. I have learned that he always comes back with a compromise . . . and honestly we've only had 3 argument/fights in 8 years! Not bad really!

Over all we've had a wonderful mental/spiritual/phyiscial partnership. He likes someone who is as independent as he is and self-confident enough not to resent his forgetfulness of birthdays and anniversaries but who challenges him to keep learning. I appreciate someone who enjoys my logical reasoning and isn't trying to change me into someone more traditionally female. He also supports my dreams and believes in my abilities. We both appreciate a laid back life of mutual appreciation free from enforced obligations and stereotypical roles.

One of my characteristically longwinded answers. I apologize.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

It is good advice not to crowd an ISTP since their number one aversion is a loss of freedom and personal choice.

After letting my ISTP husband know I was interested. I (an INTJ) actually avoided him for about a year. I entered his life again by calling him to ask about my car. (Natural troubleshooters--and they enjoy being helpful). Then it was two steps forward three steps back for about 6 months.

I made him gun shy with my directness. (Can we please clarify this? Are you actually asking me out on a date?) He still doesn't like answering a direct question and hates feeling pressured or like I am analyzing him and trying to figure him out. (He especially hates this personality stuff).

It didn't take long for the relationship to advance once he decided he was ready. He asked me to marry him 6 weeks after we began dating and we were married 3 months later. ISTPs are quick to get results once they know what they want.

I agree with INTJ mom's assessment. We enjoy each other's humor immensely and we have tremendously wonderful chemistry. We love Adventure/Action/Sci-fi books and movies and we love working on our house together. We also enjoy discussing politics, God, science and technology. He doesn't think my constantly evolving theories are insane. We both like adventure such as hiking, diving and boating. We also enjoy just hanging out and not talking. We're comfortable reading next to each other or hanging out on the couch with our laptops.

We get into trouble because I like to plan things (like travel) far in adavance and he prefers to take things one day at a time. (Although he admits to liking the savings I get for booking flights, hotels, car rentals during the "off" season.)

He also doesn't like the fact that I am constantly trying to avoid trouble (I see where my kids are going with attitudes and behaviors and look for similar scenarios in the world around us to direct them to before they make the same mistakes). He prefers not to worry about tomorrows trouble "since each day has enough worries of its own." However I prefer to keep a lookout for troublesome trends and head them off at the pass.

He used to lecture me about the danger of "what ifs" of course he's seen over the past 8 years that my what ifs usually become truth so he's learning to trust my insight.

I also had to learn to trust his "gut" feelings (without explanations or evidence to back them) and not make him feel like I didn't trust him when I challenge his ideas. I have a tendency to come off like a know-it-all but I really am just looking for all possible scenarios before making a decision.

Another trouble is that I am always reorganizing our house for maximum efficiency which he hates because he has to relearn where everything goes. Which leads to the final difficulty . . . when we do argue/fight he become intensely annoyed that I am almost always calmly trying to figure out why he's angry and solve it which only makes him even more angry because he feels like I am analzing him in a doctor/patient relationship rather than a wife/husband relationship.

I have had to learn to let him say what he needs to say with out commment and even let him walk out the door and disappear. I have learned that he always comes back with a compromise . . . and honestly we've only had 3 argument/fights in 8 years! Not bad really!

Over all we've had a wonderful mental/spiritual/phyiscial partnership. He likes someone who is as independent as he is and self-confident enough not to resent his forgetfulness of birthdays and anniversaries but who challenges him to keep learning. I appreciate someone who enjoys my logical reasoning and isn't trying to change me into someone more traditionally female. He also supports my dreams and believes in my abilities. We both appreciate a laid back life of mutual appreciation free from enforced obligations and stereotypical roles.

One of my characteristically longwinded answers. I apologize.

nice post. welcome.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

Giving her space is good, but I also suggest you contact her if you can, like email or texting or voice mail and leave her a message. I think you should let her know you're thinking about her.

Great suggestion. It's a really good feeling to not have the pressure to respond to messages like these and yet we will be thinking about you.

I've never dated an INTJ but whenever I meet one there is an instant laid back camaraderie that's very comfortable and welcoming to be around.

 

[SillySapienne]

I am deeply attracted to both of these types, but for some reason cannot imagine these two types jelling, especially in the romantic sense.

 

[sLiPpY]

hmm... I couldn't do it.

 

[rhinosaur]

^ Depends on the person. I know a couple of INTJs who I think are reasonable, and a few others who are absolutely crazy. I think it's related to the level of J-ism, relative to my P-ness.

 

[sLiPpY]

^ Depends on the person. I know a couple of INTJs who I think are reasonable, and a few others who are absolutely crazy. I think it's related to the level of J-ism, relative to my P-ness.

That's exactly what I mean.

I wouldn't be able to sleep at night in fear they'd attempt to turn me into a robot.

 

[Speed Gavroche]

Famous ISTP/INTJ couples?

 

[Windigo]

Thank you Aphrodite. I hope you find your Spock. ; D

SillySapienne, I have to admit that intimacy in the beginning was a bit awkward because it took some time for us to really open up and trust each other, but once we did, it was incredible! ISTPs show their love through action and INTJs . . . well we like to search for complete mastery of the things that interest us . . . so it's always evolving. Many ENFPs I know seem to need a lot of affirmation from their mates. I had to learn early on that my ISTP was best at telling me he loved me by watching movies and squeezing my shoulders when the romantic lead told his woman he loved her. Now he's more comfortable with articulating his love for me because I didn't push him to do it. I also know that when he says it . . . he REALLY means it!

Oh, and Speed! My ISTP man and I both LOVE Stargate! Has anyone typed John Crichton and Aeryn Sun of Farscape? LOL!

 

[mcmartinez84]

hmm... I couldn't do it.

I'm friends with an INTJ and I'd go nuts with him around all of the time. We have stupid arguments and he thinks I'm pedantic. Of course Ns get the better of me when they spin something around in circles and I lose sight of the original point. My ENTP friend does the same thing. The INTJ is also quite the elitist and that drives me absolutely crazy. I don't know what it is about them, but the Ns I know are cool friends but I'd never want to date them. The closest would be my eNFP friend, but even he is a little out there.

I know it sounds like I'm ragging on the Ns, but I just mean romantically. You guys are generally pretty awesome friends

 

[Windigo]

I

Of course Ns get the better of me when they spin something around in circles and I lose sight of the original point.

I just realized why my husband is always saying, "The POINT is . . . " Haha!

I know it sounds like I'm ragging on the Ns, but I just mean romantically. You guys are generally pretty awesome friends

We have also realized that had we met many years earlier we would have most likely not been attracted to each other at all . . . It took me a long time to realize that what I was looking for in a man was courage and the acceptance to be myself.

 

[Uytuun]

Somehow the type appeals to me. Maybe because they seem to roll with the Ni punches.