How do I motivate my ISTP son?

[sinnamon]

I will try to keep this short, but suffice to say that my incredibly gifted son is about to blow his opportunities, & I can't seem to do anything to make any difference. He won't do any homework, & his grades are going into the shitter.

We have grounded him, taken away the computer, the TV, every damn thing he cares about & that he obssesses over to the point that he doesn't do his work. But I swear, that kid is so very S that even if it's something that he was absolutely obssessed about for months, once it's not there, he doesn't miss it. I could put him in a room with nothing but a bare floor & he would make shadow puppets on the wall.

I've also offered rewards for specific short term goals, like "if you don't get any zeros this week & you don't get into any trouble, this weekend you can _______." Still, he usually can't even get through 5 days.

I'm trying to be aware that he is just a kid (12 in the 8th grade), but he already has some serious programs looking at him because his ACT score in the 7th grade was already a 21. His math grade actually goes on his high school transcript starting this year. His father & I can't afford to send him to some out-of-state ivy league college, but he could easily go if he gets his shit together.

Everyone else in the house is an XNXX (ENFJ, INTP, ENTP), & we just can't relate to his way of thinking. I grew up in a home where I was the alien. I want to help him succeed at the same time that I let him be free to be who he is as an individual.

Any ISTPs or people who love them that have some insight?

[whatever]

my aunt always motivates my ISTP uncle to do something by questioning his competence- like if she wants the car fixed and he doesn't feel like doing it she'll question whether he actually can fix the car and he gets insulted and fixes the car!

[cafe]

OMG whatever! That's how I used to motivate my older son to do his school work. He'd say it was too hard and I'd find the easiest problem on the page and start going on about how 2+2 was too hard for him to figure out and that I didn't think he could do it. After doing that a few times he'd decide it wasn't really that hard and do the rest on his own. I don't know what type he is, but I think he's a TJ because once he gets going on something he usually finishes it.

sinnamon, if your son was older, I'd suggest making him work at McDonald's for awhile.

[cdal233]

My ISTP brother had some problems doing his homework and caring when he was in elementary and middle school. He always knew he was smart but he never did his homework, and was proud of that.

I was a year ahead of him, and I convinced him to try to get into the honors programs for high school. My motivation that I was giving him were that the honors classes were, in many ways, easier. For example, at my school the teachers of honors classes tend to give the majority of their students A's and B's... whereas the regular classes give their students a more realistic distribution. This, coupled with the fact that the honors classes are weighted higher (ie A = 5.0, B = 4.0 etc) made it an easy sell, and he convinced his Biology and English teachers to put him in the honors track (he was already there for Geometry)

So he entered high school with as many honors classes as he cold get, under the mentality it was easier. Then once in high school, we basically treated it like a game with each other to see how low of a B we could get (which is essentially an 'A' in a regular class). The teachers in the honors classes are retarded... they think that since all the kids are gifted, they wouldn't dare ruin the hard-working kids dreams by giving them C's if they are trying... so the secret is to convince the teachers you care... and you can be in the bottom 20% of the class and pull it off (at least at my school).

After freshman year, he had realized that the honors classes really are easier to get a good grade, as he got a 'C' in a regularly weighted class, where the teacher gave less attention to the students who give the image of trying. Now that this was cemented in his thinking, it was a no-brainer to stay in honors classes.

He ended up graduating with a 4.2.

[Edahn]

[sinnamon]

Originally Posted by Edahn

[IMG]

Simple, sensory, direct. I think you may be onto something.

[Maverick]

Originally Posted by sinnamon

Any ISTPs or people who love them that have some insight?

Do not remove his stimulations or provide rewards. Let him make the decisions. Show him what he can obtain if he studies well and how he can end up if he doesn't. Try this and see if it works.

[rhinosaur]

Originally Posted by Maverick

Do not remove his stimulations or provide rewards. Let him make the decisions. Show him what he can obtain if he studies well and how he can end up if he doesn't. Try this and see if it works.

I think this is the right way to go. You have to guide him to *want* to do his work. Negative punishment doesn't work too well on ISTPs -- we resent it and push back even harder.

[alicia91]

Roll up your windows, lock the doors and take a drive through the slummiest part of your city. And say 'this is your life - 10 years from now if you don't get it together.' Works well for all different types (especially the visual ones). Also make him volunteer to serve meals at the soup kitchen. My son was mortified that a family went their for their 5 year-old son's birthday dinner. Gives them a whole new perspective. Your son might be a bit young, but by 14 or so it might work.

[sinnamon]

Originally Posted by Maverick

Do not remove his stimulations or provide rewards. Let him make the decisions. Show him what he can obtain if he studies well and how he can end up if he doesn't. Try this and see if it works.

Originally Posted by rhinosaur

I think this is the right way to go. You have to guide him to *want* to do his work. Negative punishment doesn't work too well on ISTPs -- we resent it and push back even harder.

OK, I can see the logic in this. One thing for sure, all this stuff I keep reading about no amount of punishment or reward will make an ISTP do something -- fits him to a T. When I confront him about problem behavior he just stares at me. I know that he is making a conscious effort to be unaffected by punishment or reward because he is passively-agressively stubborn. I have no desire to win a battle of wills with him. I could win that battle & lose the war in this situation.

One complication with your suggestions is that he has no self-control or self-restriction. For instance, if he is allowed computer time during the week, he will stay on the computer non-stop for hours & not do his homework. If I say he can have X amount of TV or computer time after he finishes his work, he will do a half-assed job & rush to the computer.

I am starting to see that the key is to letting him be a part of the decision-making process, but since he's 12 years old, he still needs some external restrictions. Making D's should not be an option he is allowed to make.

Any specific practical suggestions for these scenarios?

Cafe I am inclined to agree with you about McD's.