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[ISTP] ISTP Relationship User Guide

Randomnity

insert random title here
Joined
May 8, 2007
Messages
9,485
MBTI Type
ISTP
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
^ yup, definitely...but probably for the best. I can't imagine a situation like that working out well.
 

Poki

New member
Joined
Dec 4, 2008
Messages
10,436
MBTI Type
STP
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Fear isnt the way to get me to do anything. I will respond, but I will always get past my fears. I dont like being controlled by my fears.
 

Rainne

One day and the next
Joined
Mar 7, 2010
Messages
875
MBTI Type
ISTP
He did benefit me, but I guess I had trouble showing him that I wasn't validating my emotional attachment. Was it wrong for me to call him out on a past relationship when those things hadn't happened with us (yet) ?

Yeah. Don't bring up accusations like that when things haven't even happened yet. Actions speak a lot louder than words.
 

countrygirl

New member
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
722
MBTI Type
ISFJ
I broke it off with my ISTP a few days ago. His ex contacted me and forwarded me a few emails that he had been sending to her. They were friendly emails to "catch up," but she claimed that he had done this with his ex while dating her also. She said it was his way of getting close to her which is completely unacceptable because he was in a relationship. Then, she took the time to convince me on the phone that he had treated her horribly the one year that they were together.

I confronted the ISTP, and believed him when he said that they were just friendly emails. I even saw them myself and there was nothing wrong. However, being the ENFJ that I am, I overreacted and started questioning his past relationship. I tried to be understanding but I lost it when he said that his ex and I are eerily similar and that he didn't feel any different this time around. In other words, I would go through the same thing because he doesn't change for anyone.

Problem is that I had changed for him, I became more accepting of his habits which included disappearing for a few days to be by himself. I made his shortcomings work for me. To this, he answered that I was overlooking his flaws and this gave him the idea that he could do "whatever the fuck I wanted." He said he was looking for someone who would threaten to leave him if he ever fucked something up. Is something that all ISTPs look for in relationships?

....In other words, someone who will look out for their own needs and keep the ISTP in check with notification that their behavior is undesirable?

:huh: I don't understand this. What are you, his mother? Why do you have to be his conscious?

He did benefit me, but I guess I had trouble showing him that I wasn't validating my emotional attachment. Was it wrong for me to call him out on a past relationship when those things hadn't happened with us (yet) ?

It's not good in any relationship. :)
 

StephMC

Controlled Mischief
Joined
Mar 2, 2009
Messages
1,044
MBTI Type
ISTP
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I prefer it very much if people tell me what I'm doing wrong or if something I'm doing is bothering them. I seriously may never know otherwise. The more calmly I'm confronted about it, the more favorably I respond. Although I respond as well as I can no matter what, I just might be a little more stressed out if I'm attacked with a flurry of emotions.

But yeah, I don't tolerate threats well. At all. It flicks on my stubborn switch. And I'm not proud to say I've damaged relationships further by just up and walking away without looking back when I'm threatened past a certain point.
 

woolgatherer

New member
Joined
May 19, 2010
Messages
31
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
I broke it off with my ISTP a few days ago. His ex contacted me and forwarded me a few emails that he had been sending to her. They were friendly emails to "catch up," but she claimed that he had done this with his ex while dating her also. She said it was his way of getting close to her which is completely unacceptable because he was in a relationship. Then, she took the time to convince me on the phone that he had treated her horribly the one year that they were together.

I confronted the ISTP, and believed him when he said that they were just friendly emails. I even saw them myself and there was nothing wrong. However, being the ENFJ that I am, I overreacted and started questioning his past relationship. I tried to be understanding but I lost it when he said that his ex and I are eerily similar and that he didn't feel any different this time around. In other words, I would go through the same thing because he doesn't change for anyone.

Problem is that I had changed for him, I became more accepting of his habits which included disappearing for a few days to be by himself. I made his shortcomings work for me. To this, he answered that I was overlooking his flaws and this gave him the idea that he could do "whatever the fuck I wanted." He said he was looking for someone who would threaten to leave him if he ever fucked something up.

Is something that all ISTPs look for in relationships?


I would have actually been most suspicious of his ex for getting involved in your relationship when really nothing scandalous was going on. It just sounds like meddling motivated by her own feelings. If she resents the friendly emails she doesn't have to reply to them.

It does sound like some of the things he said to you were pretty harsh though... if he really said he feels like he can do "whatever the fuck" he wants, but does he? I mean it sounds like he's not cheating on you or anything, maybe just disappearing more often? I would have thought trying to give an ISTP space would have been appreciated. Now I'm just more confused, I find this type very hard to understand.
 

Rainne

One day and the next
Joined
Mar 7, 2010
Messages
875
MBTI Type
ISTP
I prefer it very much if people tell me what I'm doing wrong or if something I'm doing is bothering them. I seriously may never know otherwise. The more calmly I'm confronted about it, the more favorably I respond. Although I respond as well as I can no matter what, I just might be a little more stressed out if I'm attacked with a flurry of emotions.

But yeah, I don't tolerate threats well. At all. It flicks on my stubborn switch. And I'm not proud to say I've damaged relationships further by just up and walking away without looking back when I'm threatened past a certain point.

Reminds me of this:

SpikeSpiegel.jpg
 

Bamboo

New member
Joined
Jan 28, 2009
Messages
2,689
MBTI Type
XXFP
Apparently I'm the only one who can't understand the post (orig. by lalangela).

Nobody answered my question as to whether my assumption of what you're (lalangela) asking is correct.

And I don't even understand what you did or said to this guy or how it involved his past girlfriend.


:huh: I don't understand this. What are you, his mother? Why do you have to be his conscious?

Are you talking to me? Or her?




I'm so friggin' confused.
 

countrygirl

New member
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
722
MBTI Type
ISFJ
Apparently I'm the only one who can't understand the post (orig. by lalangela).

Nobody answered my question as to whether my assumption of what you're (lalangela) asking is correct.

And I don't even understand what you did or said to this guy or how it involved his past girlfriend.

I think you understood her correctly but only lalangela can clarify what she wrote. However, I will try:

I broke it off with my ISTP a few days ago. His ex contacted me and forwarded me a few emails that he had been sending to her. They were friendly emails to "catch up," but she claimed that he had done this with his ex while dating her also. She said it was his way of getting close to her which is completely unacceptable because he was in a relationship. Then, she took the time to convince me on the phone that he had treated her horribly the one year that they were together.

I confronted the ISTP, and believed him when he said that they were just friendly emails. I even saw them myself and there was nothing wrong. However, being the ENFJ that I am, I overreacted and started questioning his past relationship. I tried to be understanding but I lost it when he said that his ex and I are eerily similar and that he didn't feel any different this time around. In other words, I would go through the same thing because he doesn't change for anyone.

Problem is that I had changed for him, I became more accepting of his habits which included disappearing for a few days to be by himself. I made his shortcomings work for me. To this, he answered that I was overlooking his flaws and this gave him the idea that he could do "whatever the fuck I wanted." He said he was looking for someone who would threaten to leave him if he ever fucked something up.

Is something that all ISTPs look for in relationships?

Lalangela's ex-boyfriend's (let's call him Joe) ex-girlfriend (let's call her Jane) emailed lalangela, all of Joe's email to Jane. Not only this but explained to lalangela that she (Jane) was not comfortable with these email because it was a way for Joe to get close to her (Jane). She (Jane) knows this because Joe emailed his ex-girlfriend (let's call her Sally) when he was committed to her (Jane). Then Jane claims that Joe treated her horriable the one year they were together.

(I think woolgather points about Jane is correct)

Lalangela, even though she saw that the emails were harmless, just friendly, started to over react when confronting Joe and became really upset because Joe accused her of being the same as his ex (Jane) in the same situation (Jane got upset about his emails to Sally).

(This part gets a little tricky)

I think several issues are going on:

1. She changed for him but he doesn't change for anyone (my interruptation: she feels that she put more effort in compromising in the relationship mainly that she gave him more space but not getting her needs for closeness met and she accepted this therefore resentment);

2. He retorted that she was at fault and he was going to find someone who will keep him under her thumb (he felt that she was trying to control him and didn't want to go there again; I think he also felt that he was being accused of cheating when he was just being friendly).

---------------------

I wonder if lalangela was feeling heart broken when she wrote this...for her question does not make sense according to my understanding. Hmmm...looks like I'm going to have to take my previous post back!

Hope this make things clearer but only lalangela can clarify this.
 

lalangela

New member
Joined
Mar 23, 2010
Messages
24
MBTI Type
INFJ
Alright, there are a few things that need to be clarified.

I was dating the ISTP because he wanted a "second chance" after we got off to a bad start in January. He said he wanted to change which entailed being more open and telling me what he was thinking so I didn't have to assume. He did this for about two weeks and then settled on a certain level of openness. He would be around for a few days, open and giving, and then disappear for a few days. I made this work for me. At first, I was a little annoyed by it but then I realized that this distance allows for anticipation and experiences to tell each other about. I was happy. I've never needed particular closeness from a significant other, in fact, I resent being attached all the time.

I wasn't angry that he was emailing his ex-girlfriend. I believed him when he said it was only catching up. However, I wasn't going to hide the fact that I had been talking to ex-girlfriend on the phone for an hour. I told him what she was trying to convince me of. I was expecting some sort of denial and proof that things weren't and wouldn't be the same for us. Instead, I got an accusation that I was eerily similar to his ex-girlfriend and that there was no promise that I wouldn't go through the same things she was so hurt by. As an ISTP, he puts everything bluntly so he said "I don't feel any different."

You could said I had been brainwashed by his ex-girlfriend's words because she told me things like "your boyfriend should make you feel like his number one, his everything." Coupled with how my bf was while they were dating and how well she's treated by her current bf, I got lost in my own thoughts of a fairy tale relationship.

This is when I overreacted.

I know from reading these threads and observing him that he would not respond well to a girlfriend who put their relationship on the line constantly.

If it helps, I can tell you that he's an insecure, stubborn ISTP who admits he's struggled with a low self esteem most of his life. However, I'll never understand where all this indecisiveness comes from.
 

kendoiwan

I am Sofa King!!!
Joined
Dec 24, 2008
Messages
1,334
MBTI Type
IsTP
I'm going to have to point the finger at you. You're calling him stubborn and insecure, but it looks like you're the one that shoe fits. You claim lack of compromise, yet your clarification condemns you not him...
 

countrygirl

New member
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
722
MBTI Type
ISFJ
Alright, there are a few things that need to be clarified.

I was dating the ISTP because he wanted a "second chance" after we got off to a bad start in January. He said he wanted to change which entailed being more open and telling me what he was thinking so I didn't have to assume. He did this for about two weeks and then settled on a certain level of openness. He would be around for a few days, open and giving, and then disappear for a few days. I made this work for me. At first, I was a little annoyed by it but then I realized that this distance allows for anticipation and experiences to tell each other about. I was happy. I've never needed particular closeness from a significant other, in fact, I resent being attached all the time.

I wasn't angry that he was emailing his ex-girlfriend. I believed him when he said it was only catching up. However, I wasn't going to hide the fact that I had been talking to ex-girlfriend on the phone for an hour. I told him what she was trying to convince me of. I was expecting some sort of denial and proof that things weren't and wouldn't be the same for us. Instead, I got an accusation that I was eerily similar to his ex-girlfriend and that there was no promise that I wouldn't go through the same things she was so hurt by. As an ISTP, he puts everything bluntly so he said "I don't feel any different."

You could said I had been brainwashed by his ex-girlfriend's words because she told me things like "your boyfriend should make you feel like his number one, his everything." Coupled with how my bf was while they were dating and how well she's treated by her current bf, I got lost in my own thoughts of a fairy tale relationship.

This is when I overreacted.

I know from reading these threads and observing him that he would not respond well to a girlfriend who put their relationship on the line constantly.

If it helps, I can tell you that he's an insecure, stubborn ISTP who admits he's struggled with a low self esteem most of his life. However, I'll never understand where all this indecisiveness comes from.

My ISTP husband is stubborn as well and this does stem from not being sure about an issue as well as you see in this thread, 'you can't make me :tongue10:' attitude.

I think indecisiveness comes from keeping one options open until your sure about the issue, whether that be from feelings or gathering of facts. Unfortunately, this could lead to sitting on the fence and not taking advantage of opporunties when they arise. Especially when one is not confident enough.
 

lalangela

New member
Joined
Mar 23, 2010
Messages
24
MBTI Type
INFJ
it would be wrong to call me stubborn in this case, and a moment of insecurity is natural. How I reacted to it...is not.
 

kendoiwan

I am Sofa King!!!
Joined
Dec 24, 2008
Messages
1,334
MBTI Type
IsTP
I beg to differ,and mind you this is just my observation, I don't mean to attack: You stubbornly hold the view that your way is "the" way. First you said he wasn't open enough. Then you admit it was him who wanted to "start over" but you weren't pleased with his comfort level of openess or his need for "me time". Then you accused him of something in absence of it actually occurring, allowed a third party to color your view of your relationship and now you still blame him for most of what happened, and downplay the role your insecurity played in all this. Seems pretty stubborn to me.
 

lalangela

New member
Joined
Mar 23, 2010
Messages
24
MBTI Type
INFJ
Alright, say this is all true, do I single-handedly destroy everything between my ISTP and me?
 
S

sammy

Guest
Yeah. Don't bring up accusations like that when things haven't even happened yet. Actions speak a lot louder than words.

^ +1.

Careful la la la langesdflsdds your name is like a spongebob saying to not let your emotions get the best of you here. He's going to bring out the worst in you if you let your fears control you. The past is the past. Contacting your past is not bad in itself. But if you're contacting them because you want to rekindle something, that's another thing. He's moved on from that girl and he's with you, it takes a lot to ask someone to give them another chance. Easier to just cut ties with someone you fuck up with in any way. He's trying to make it work with you, it seems.
 

Poki

New member
Joined
Dec 4, 2008
Messages
10,436
MBTI Type
STP
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Yeah. Don't bring up accusations like that when things haven't even happened yet. Actions speak a lot louder than words.

:yes: The only thing that can be really had with things that havnt happened is personal intospection, everything else is missing alot of info. At these times all someone really knows is whats in their head. While someone can easily introspect their thoughts that exist which create these feelings/reactions, becareful with accusations.
 

lalangela

New member
Joined
Mar 23, 2010
Messages
24
MBTI Type
INFJ
I feel like it's too late because first, I initiated the break up, so do I have to make the first move? Second, he said a lot of painful things like he didn't know if he even liked me and dating me was to see if I would grow on him. Also, I'm like his ex and he doesn't feel any different (though his actions seem to prove otherwise), so I will probably go through the same thing as she did. He gave me two reasons because I specifically asked where I came short: (a) He didn't feel like I trusted him (which I clarified to him asap) (b) the relationship didn't seem like it was going anywhere. I questioned this because I know he likes to live in the moment but this annoyed him and he replied, "well god woman I know I'm stupid but I'm not retarded. I stop to see what the fuck I'm doing once in a while." I guess people can say painful things in the heat of an argument. I don't know where to start fixing things, and part of me wants the dust to settle first.
 
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