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  1. #1
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    Default Compatibility outside of type

    People say that values need to be aligned for relationships to work. One problem I have found in my relationship is that I like to stay out late, sometimes all night if my friends are having a party and my boyfriend hates it when I do this. I'm enfp and he is istp. He also has a tendency to stay out all night on occassion but thats another matter.
    A close friend of mine is isfp and her boyfriend is entp. They have the same problem where the entp stays out all night and the isfp has a freak attack when he does this.
    So I was googling what other people think of their SO staying out all night and I found a mixed bag of opinions. Some say they wouldnt tolerate it and others say quit being an insecure control freak and just let your SO live their life.
    Many people gave the advice that if it is important to you that your partner come home and- if its important to your partner to have the freedom to stay out and socialise, then you are incompatible and should break up.
    Now knowing what I do about introverts and extroverts and how we differ in our needs when it comes to socialising, how can this ever be reconciled? Have other people found this to be an ongoing issue? Is this really a values thing or is it just a different needs thing?

  2. #2
    Wei 18 - Sie 39 agentwashington's Avatar
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    I think freedom to do what people want to do should be important in a relationship, and having a calm and rational discussion about this should be fine. If your ISTP boyfriend stays out all night but expects you not to, then that's not really fair?
    "You’re on Earth. There’s no cure for that."
    — Samuel Beckett, Endgame

    “This world is beautiful. People can love each other and live life respecting each other. Someday everyone will come to realize that and this will become a beautiful world full of only such people.”
    — Kino no Tabi
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  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by agentwashington View Post
    I think freedom to do what people want to do should be important in a relationship, and having a calm and rational discussion about this should be fine. If your ISTP boyfriend stays out all night but expects you not to, then that's not really fair?
    Exactly! I dumped him last week. I couldn't handle the hypocrisy any more. That and other reasons I won't go into. Freedom is important to me.
    I'd still like to hear people's thoughts on the subject though.
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  4. #4
    alchemist Legion's Avatar
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    istp as in Si-Te, right?

    Duals according to socionics theory "complete" each other, but there will likely be misunderstandings because they come at things from opposite sides.

    I would suppose it would require a fair bit of maturity - being confident with the opposite function of the dominant (i.e. the function which is the dual's dominant).
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  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Legion View Post
    istp as in Si-Te, right? Duals according to socionics theory "complete" each other, but there will likely be misunderstandings because they come at things from opposite sides. I would suppose it would require a fair bit of maturity - being confident with the opposite function of the dominant (i.e. the function which is the dual's dominant).
    Yes you're right. And I think it has a balancing effect for both people. I'm not sure that people need to be mature getting into these relationships as they are about mutual growth, so you grow and mature together. But having a healthy attitude of mutual respect is a must.
    In my case my dual had a narcissistic mother and he picked up a lot of her twisted thinking and so had a lot of issues. He was actually quite abusive to me and other people who he would manipulate. So I had to end it. He did improve in a lot of ways because of my influence and the relationship did help me to make my unconscious functions (Si and Te) become conscious. The irony is that when I became consciously aware of who he IS as opposed to the potential I saw in him ( Ne) I ended it. I realised it can't work when one person refuses to do the work on themselves that is necessary for a relationship to work. Some people are just assholes. They might be your dual but if they're an asshole there isn't much you can do about it but move on and find a dual who will treat you with the respect you deserve.
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  6. #6
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    Subtype, enneagram, attachment style, values, age, intelligence, mutual physical attraction.

    I wouldn't care if my partner went out often, so long as they didn't expect me to go out with them most of the time.
    RLOEI.

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