Isfj daughter and Infj mother

[Eiddy]

Well I have noticed something lately, as far as S and N go on personality types. I am Isfj and my mom is Infj. I could never quite communicate with her. She tells me things, but I am never quite clear as to what. Other than what she is DOing, never what she is FEELing.

My aunt (her sister) on the other hand, not only tells me what she is feeling, but gives me a full rundown on the whole family, in such details that I feel that I haven't missed out on anything. For instance, the family had a huge reunion in some small city in Colorado, about 250 members of the family showed up. I should have seen it, they held it in a local rented hall, and not at someone's house; her grandmother (father's side) is in a nursing home over there and can't travel long distances so they had to have it near her. Someone brought the book for the family tree and they found out some details on their great grandparents and did we know that we came from such and such a place, back around 200 years ago.. etc....

My mom's details, yeah the family is having a reunion, I didn't go. There isn't much to say. Your brother and father are going fishing, but it looks like it's going to rain. The computer is so slow. (I have heard this about a hundred times.)

Now if I want to get her talking, ask how to make something. If I ask how she is doing; she will tell me about her Dr's visit, but never what she really thinks of it, or how she feels about what he has told to her. Forget what they have discussed if anything at all.

For the longest time I have held it against her that she never really talked to me and I became quite angry, (this was a few years ago.) So I didn't want to talk to her -lasted only a few weeks- since it seemed to be of no use. She never really had anything to say, I wanted deeper conversations and she seemed only to skim subjects.

Had I known at that time it was our different communication styles, I wouldn't have expected this type of communication from her.

I would like more information on communication styles and how to break down this barrier in communication, any thoughts or opinions are welcomed as long as it is not negative useless bashing without purpose.

[maliafee]

My mom is INFJ too. She is a lot like this! But a long conversation brings out her true feelings. Also, I find that if I draw her out a little bit, and guess at her feelings, she is very apt to show me that I don't really understand them and then will be more explanatory.

Sometimes I feel I never get a straight answer about anything from her, either, but that just takes persistent questioning, which isn't my style (I've learned to do it with her, anyway).

An INFJ often likes to keep their personal feelings a mystery, and will only hint at them. They like to hint at everything (aside from concrete reality, of which they're not always 100% sure of any sort of hierarchy of importance) but I've come to really enjoy conversations with my mom, and with INFJ's. They get me to be the more expressive, aggressive (not in a violent way) person in the conversation, which is something only they can do to me. And when they do open up, it's really lovely and meaningful because you know it's hard for them to share deep feelings/thoughts.

[sade]

Well, the basic stuff is here.

Have you asked her completely flat out? I bet you've expressed it one way or the other, but it doesn't nesessarily hit home if it is too subtle.
And I'm not sure how adding details to the speech would go, as it isn't natural habit.

This is something I've had to think of, as it's an issue I've received complaints about. Another possible problem is that I'm not naturally expressive of what I'm feeling, so I leave it out of the sentence. However I'll add it later if I've been asked what I think about "issue x", that'll lead to musing out aloud, or a conversation.

[Eiddy]

Originally Posted by maliafee

I find that if I draw her out a little bit, and guess at her feelings, she is very apt to show me that I don't really understand them and then will be more explanatory.

Sometimes I feel I never get a straight answer about anything from her, either, but that just takes persistent questioning, which isn't my style (I've learned to do it with her, anyway).

Exactly Maliafee, I hate to ask tons of questions just to get to the point. Which seems to end up not having one. lol

Sade, I have asked her flat out to be more expressive, with what she is thinking exactly and what did she feel when this (whatever we are discussing at the moment) happened.

My daughter might be INFJ also. She is almost 12 and I had her choose between the two types. This is what she came up with. Not sure yet, though.

My 3 and a half year old, which me and my husband agree might be ESFJ. Since she is too young to accurately type.

I have a 10 year old, I believe is ISFJ also and an almost 16 year old, Ixfx that I cannot quite type yet.

Is it possible to find out the personality type of a child, and how old is too young? My 3 1/2 is very, very extroverted that is the most noticeable, and is very details with people, places and things, so that we feel she might be, but, of course we can't be 100% sure.

[Eiddy]

Originally Posted by sade

This is something I've had to think of, as it's an issue I've received complaints about. Another possible problem is that I'm not naturally expressive of what I'm feeling, so I leave it out of the sentence. However I'll add it later if I've been asked what I think about "issue x", that'll lead to musing out aloud, or a conversation.

I am glad to see that you have opened up here.. Thanks

The site also has very good information.

If I don't speak about what I feel, then I tend to feel what's the point in talking. I am tooo much of a feeler personality. Thankfully I am usually optimistic.

How it works as a teacher of high school students I haven't drawn any concrete experience from this yet since this is my 4th month teaching high school and not that many kids in class. I joke too much, so it really has lightened up any stressful emotional possible explosive situations.

[sade]

Sade, I have asked her flat out to be more expressive, with what she is thinking exactly and what did she feel when this (whatever we are discussing at the moment) happened.

I was afraid of that; I didn't open up much after being asked to either.
I'm not sure what else could be done..

Originally Posted by Eiddy

I am glad to see that you have opened up here.. Thanks

The site also has very good information.

If I don't speak about what I feel, then I tend to feel what's the point in talking. I am tooo much of a feeler personality. Thankfully I am usually optimistic.

How it works as a teacher of high school students I haven't drawn any concrete experience from this yet since this is my 4th month teaching high school and not that many kids in class. I joke too much, so it really has lightened up any stressful emotional possible explosive situations.

Oh, thanks.
I find the interacton styles interesting, I just wish there was more info out there, especially about the actual interactions.. I suppose I'll need to buy the book.

I don't feel comfortable/it doesn't cross my mind/it doesn't feel nessessary to express my feelings of things. I understand how it can be frustrating, as I'm often asking for more input (more like pestering her about it)from my ISTJ mother when we're talking.

Jokes are good, I have good memories of my old history teacher. Everyone liked his class even though the subject was really boring to most, because he managed to bring it alive..

[maliafee]

Eiddy, I hope you find the below links useful.

This one is a test to determine your child's type:
The Personality Questionnaire for Kids

This one is an explanation of kids' types (a little different than regular MBTI types):
Personality and Kids

[Eiddy]

Thanks Sade, that is really interesting how you see the situation (conversation) going. I do notice the kids enjoy my class the most, although they find grammar particularly boring. I also hate grammar, I let them know that I was never all that great in grammar, it's just something I HAVE to teach. I remember right before one class I stood in the doorway and blew raspberries at the students, saying "Oh gosh, do I have to give this class a lesson? I think I will go back to the teachers room and drink a cup of coffee." They burst out laughing at the pathetic face I give him.

Maliefee: Great I can definitely use this site.. it is always interesting to see how to type them, so that I can overcome many of the different types of interactions.