Plasticity of the Maternal Brain

[violaine]

My husband and I usually both got the fuzzy part pretty badly and it generally passed around month three. My brain was also wonky during pregnancy, but I also felt shitty and exhausted for most of the time I was gestating, so that likely didn't help.

I wasn't aware of the brain growth thing, but it makes sense that it would see some growth since you are, in effect acquiring and incorporating a lot of new skills and behaviors.

It would be interesting to know if the addition of weird hormones or some other factor contributes to it or if it just happens when you are in a situation that requires a lot from you suddenly and with little wiggle room. Like, it might be similar for soldiers in combat . . . although that seems like it would be a lot worse plus more traumatic but I'm not coming up with a better comparison right off the top of my head. I'm sure there are better ones.

For me most of the difficult part of parenting was over around the time the youngest got to second grade. It's probably a little earlier when one's kids are neurotypical, I'd think. Unless you are doing the helicopter parenting thing, which I'm not.

Edit: I think your brain kind of glosses over the childbirth thing or something after it's over. I don't think there would be very many second children if it didn't.

The sleep deprivation is a killer, lol. I actually have fond memories of it because it was such a crazy time.

I'm so glad I found other, more accurate studies. I just felt like something about that characterization was off. I feel razor sharp if I get enough sleep and I love being as busy as I am. Not sure where I get the energy.

Agree about the purpose of the daunting aspects of childbirth fading from the mind pretty quickly. The mind is amazing. I took Lamaze classes. We practiced breathing techniques for pain relief. Our partners caused us pain while we were breathing a certain way - then applied the same pain while we were breathing normally. I couldn't believe my mind could block that much pain. (I can't wait to have another one or two. I want a house-full like you!)

 

[cafe]

The sleep deprivation is a killer, lol. I actually have fond memories of it because it was such a crazy time.

I'm so glad I found other, more accurate studies. I just felt like something about that characterization was off. I feel razor sharp if I get enough sleep and I love being as busy as I am. Not sure where I get the energy.

Agree about the purpose of the daunting aspects of childbirth fading from the mind pretty quickly. The mind is amazing. I took Lamaze classes. We practiced breathing techniques for pain relief. Our partners caused us pain while we were breathing a certain way - then applied the same pain while we were breathing normally. I couldn't believe my mind could block that much pain. (I can't wait to have another one or two. I want a house-full like you!)

It's nice to have a few that can help keep each other busy. I've been really lucky that mine have turned out to be pretty good friends with each other. I think I would have enjoyed the earlier years if I hadn't been so isolated and strapped for cash. I felt more like a prisoner in my own home than a free bird, but it was a short sentence for a good cause. I wish more parents could have better access to quality childcare and financial stability. I think society would benefit a great deal.

The breathing helps a lot. I still use it when I'm in pain for non-procreating reasons. There was a huge difference for me between the first birth and the later ones, in part because I knew what to expect and wasn't afraid, but also my partner wasn't completely worn out and was able to help me keep focused.

 

[highlander]

I get brain fog after I eat a heavy meal.

 

[violaine]

I get brain fog after I eat a heavy meal.

Ooh, food allergy? I've been going on about it lately, but that's a classic sign. But maybe you're joking, in which case:

 

[violaine]

It's nice to have a few that can help keep each other busy. I've been really lucky that mine have turned out to be pretty good friends with each other. I think I would have enjoyed the earlier years if I hadn't been so isolated and strapped for cash. I felt more like a prisoner in my own home than a free bird, but it was a short sentence for a good cause. I wish more parents could have better access to quality childcare and financial stability. I think society would benefit a great deal.

The breathing helps a lot. I still use it when I'm in pain for non-procreating reasons. There was a huge difference for me between the first birth and the later ones, in part because I knew what to expect and wasn't afraid, but also my partner wasn't completely worn out and was able to help me keep focused.

It's amazing how your expectations influence the experience. I hated my experience at the hospital, but I'll know better for next time.

Ooh, I actually should start using the techniques for other things too. That's a great idea. I think they would be great for insomnia - the one thing I'll prob never have to deal with again.

Aw, I think it's lovely to have a few bros and sis. My twins are just starting to play with each other and it melts me. I'm so glad they have each other. I hope they'll always be friends. I don't have any family around, so I'd be a bit lost if I didn't have help with my twins.

 

[highlander]

Ooh, food allergy? I've been going on about it lately, but that's a classic sign. But maybe you're joking, in which case:

Yes, I was kidding but in all seriousness, I think it's the blood going to my digestive system, which draws it away from my brain. So, it might be a similar thing.

 

[Redbone]

There has been speculation that the difficulty sleeping in the last trimester is the body's way of coping with the coming lack of sleep for the next two years. Paradise in the form of being able to sleep a whole night!

I think the fuzziness of "Mommy brain" is associated with several things. Lack of sleep being the greatest. Another one that is underestimated is the massive amount of decision making that goes on when a helpless child enters the picture.
Decision-making fatigue : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Decision_fatigue
Everyday and there's no escape from it (and the day will come will the small folk learn to detect when your cup runeth over and descend for that attack). I've got a lot of experience under my belt, so I've learned things to try to head this off but it's there and it's especially bad in the early years when it's unrelenting. It's so nice when they get older, things let up, and they can do stuff for themselves...especially for someone like myself since I tend to have a pretty hands-off form of parenting.

 

[Coriolis]

I don't have a husband. What is the point of your question?

My apologies. I should have written "partner" or "the baby's father".

My point is that babies have two parents, yet the burden of caring for them still falls disproportionately on their mothers. As long as that remains the case, childbirth and parenthood will continue to "fuck up" the sex life, social life and career of women, to borrow Salome's terminology. I have never heard a father remark that having a nanny allows him to be free as a bird.

 

[Redbone]

My point is that babies have two parents, yet the burden of caring for them still falls disproportionately on their mothers. As long as that remains the case, childbirth and parenthood will continue to "fuck up" the sex life, social life and career of women, to borrow Salome's terminology. I have never heard a father remark that having a nanny allows him to be free as a bird.

This is, unfortunately, very true. I have seen fathers that take an active interest in their children's lives receive lavish praise, as if they were doing something extraordinary, while many mothers are just thought of as doing what mothers do for the same tasks.

 

[violaine]

It's not "fucking up" any of those things for me.

 

[Pinker85]

Pie.

 

[Cellmold]

Well my mum managed to raise my brother and I while still working a career that, even now, demands 12+ hour shifts from her.

I still don't know how she managed it. Oh relatives helped as well as day groups and nurseries, but I still saw her quite a lot.

Nothing but respect and love for her.

 

[Nijntje]

I posted the original link, not out of any malice, but as a supporter to anecdotal evidence provided to me by girlfriends who have had children, (and often multiple children) saying they got foggy around the time of the new birth, mainly for things that didn't directly relate to the well-being and survival of their new addition.

I have also seen it when i used to nanny, with new mothers being razor sharp on all things baby related, but a little fuzzy on remembering appointments or random facts (useless ones) that they used to know. I assumed hormones and lack of sleep would make anyone a little distracted at times.

But i have also learnt, as someone who is childless that most of the time, my opinion regarding children is moot as they are not my own, and i "wouldn't understand". Which is fine.

 

[Coriolis]

It's not "fucking up" any of those things for me.

That is good. Do you have friends or relatives with small children? How common is your positive post-partum experience?

 

[Ivy]

This is, unfortunately, very true. I have seen fathers that take an active interest in their children's lives receive lavish praise, as if they were doing something extraordinary, while many mothers are just thought of as doing what mothers do for the same tasks.

This is a true story. My sister and her husband just had a baby in April. She took her maternity leave immediately, and now he's taking his paternity leave (because he's fortunate enough to work for a company that offers it- most don't- worth pointing out that the company he works for is based in Switzerland). You'd think he cured cancer, the way people praise him for staying home (and not even permanently or even long-term- he gets the same amount she did, 12 weeks. When moms stay home "only" 12 weeks, there's usually some tsk-tsking from somebody).

Most of the adjusting post-baby tends to fall on the mothers. Often her career is seen as optional, a luxury that only makes sense as long as the kids are doing well. If issues arise, I've never heard a father urged to quit his job to be home with his children.

 

[cafe]

Yep. Anything dad does it's like he hung the moon. The kid has mismatched socks on and mom is a serial killer.

I would say being a mother has screwed some things up for me. Some due to biology but more due to societal stupidity. Stretch marks are kind of unavoidable and so are, probably, the spider veins. The stress incontinence could probably have been prevented with better medical care. Chasing kids likely kept me thin longer than I would otherwise have been, seeing as how I didn't start to gain weight until my youngest was around seven years old. Sex life issues, for me, were temporary and would have likely been mitigated by a better support system. Brain fog is temporary. It may not look like it, but I was spacey before I had kids, so I can't really blame them for that. Social life and career . . . well, I'm a very introverted 9w1, so lets just say there probably wasn't much damage the kids could have done that wouldn't have happened anyway. I have the time and resources to have both now and I'm just not that motivated.

I want things to be better for my kids, if they should choose to procreate, but I don't feel terribly rained on due to being a parent, myself. Yeah, they were a lot of work when they were little and it often was not much fun, but now they are generally a hoot and good company. I'll miss having them rattling around the house when they move out.

 

[violaine]

That is good. Do you have friends or relatives with small children? How common is your positive post-partum experience?

Definitely common amongst my friends and acquaintances. Vast majority are combining motherhood with their career. There's a chef, pediatrician, two real estate brokers, tutor, solicitor, professor/head of biology dept, jewelry designer, model, special consultant to federal police, career counsellor, management consultant, entrepreneur, fashion designer, a few editors, a few photographers, a restauranteur.

Something I have noticed is that the women who waited to have children until they'd established their careers have been able to stay in those careers after motherhood. Some of my friends who had children before that point have struggled with establishing themselves in a career. Though of those, there are some who haven't wanted to at all, or who say they want to, but don't seem to do much to make it happen. (Which I can understand because I do think that would be a tough to accomplish if you don't have a really strong drive or strong idea of what you want to do to compete with being a parent).

My close friends and I have partners who are diligent fathers but none of us and none of them think that is extraordinary at all. I only know three men who are the primary caregivers, but again, no one makes a big deal. We are all inclined to think of what we're doing as team work.

 

[Salomé]

I'm flattered you're following me around the board. Thanks for having my back, but that outdated research wasn't the thrust of my OP, so I didn't bother with it. Hence the phrase, "Further to Nijinte's link".

You don't bother with scientific research (or anecdotal evidence) that doesn't support your position. I see. How very single-minded of you.

Not following you around the board, just interested in the continuation of a discussion which started in one of my threads. Though I do seem to have drawn traffic to a thread that was floundering for complete lack of interest.
You're welcome.

You however, are apparently so obsessed with yours truly, that you'll trawl back THREE YEARS through my posting history, and to look for pictures of me. I gotta tell you, I don't find that flattering. I find it a bit weird and creepy, to be honest. I really hope you get over your obsession with me, and find better things to do with all that free time your nanny gives you.

As for me, I changed my mind about being an egg donor when I learned about how those hormones they give you fuck with your brain. I don't mind doing a little for charity, for those less fortunate, but I'm not THAT self-sacrificing.

 

[violaine]

I see you quoted me but you're on ignore and will be ignored as per instructions up thread from Ivy.

----
Oh, you edited your post AFTER I responded? How very... Intellectually dishonest.

In answer:

1. Read the links.
2. I have a phenomenal memory for people's incongruities. You have, literally, over 9000 posts. Impossible to avoid seeing in iSpy. The site has a search function. You figure out how little time it takes to remind you of your old posts.
3. You spend your days posting on forums. Might want to take your own advice. Maybe even recoup that loan to Mac.
4. Ah, fuck it. I just don't care as much as you.

 

[Salomé]

Awesome! I can't think of anyone I'd rather be ignored by.

(If only all stalkers were this easy to get rid of.)