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  1. #41
    Senior Member Lateralus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pseudo View Post
    Find a house you can both afford, that's near both your work and activities, moving in, that you can fill with things you have to agree on, when's dinner, who does the laundry, who does the dishes, trash, what's our budget like, how late can we be noisy, what type of people come over and how often, who does the bills. Can you get pets
    If all of these things are that big of a deal for you, maybe you're better off alone. I have 7 siblings. What you list here is trivial, IMO.
    "We grow up thinking that beliefs are something to be proud of, but they're really nothing but opinions one refuses to reconsider. Beliefs are easy. The stronger your beliefs are, the less open you are to growth and wisdom, because "strength of belief" is only the intensity with which you resist questioning yourself. As soon as you are proud of a belief, as soon as you think it adds something to who you are, then you've made it a part of your ego."

  2. #42
    Senior Member Pseudo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lateralus View Post
    If all of these things are that big of a deal for you, maybe you're better off alone. I have 7 siblings. What you list here is trivial, IMO.

    I'm not saying I couldn't do those things, but why bother with the hassle if your not serious about the person.


    You could call it trivial, but it's all the day to day activities of your life. How you live, how you spend your money.


    how are your siblings relevant?

  3. #43
    Senior Member Lateralus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pseudo View Post
    I'm not saying I couldn't do those things, but why bother with the hassle if your not serious about the person.


    You could call it trivial, but it's all the day to day activities of your life. How you live, how you spend your money.


    how are your siblings relevant?
    Is seriousness a binary variable?

    The only non-trivial item you listed was the budget.

    When you grow up in a large family, you get used to not having things your way all the time. If you were an only child or only had one sibling, this concept might be difficult for you to grasp.
    "We grow up thinking that beliefs are something to be proud of, but they're really nothing but opinions one refuses to reconsider. Beliefs are easy. The stronger your beliefs are, the less open you are to growth and wisdom, because "strength of belief" is only the intensity with which you resist questioning yourself. As soon as you are proud of a belief, as soon as you think it adds something to who you are, then you've made it a part of your ego."

  4. #44
    Senior Member Pseudo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lateralus View Post
    Is seriousness a binary variable?

    The only non-trivial item you listed was the budget.

    When you grow up in a large family, you get used to not having things your way all the time. If you were an only child or only had one sibling, this concept might be difficult for you to grasp.



    Not a binary variable. A continum from "No I don't want to be with the person permanently" to "I'm not sure" to "yes". I just don't see the point of combining lives until you're in the yes territory.


    Just one example, which Ivy touched on before, choosing where to live. Signing leases, sharing bills. What happens when midway through the lease you decide to breakup. Who gets the place. Can you find another roommate to cover the rent in time . If you can't is it possible to cover the rent yourself?

    My parents right now are having problems because my mom doesn't think they go out enough. Sounds trivial but it's really hurting their marriage. I think it's easy to blow certain day to day things off, but day to day things make up your life.



    It's not about not getting my way. It's about adjusting to another persons lifestyle. Different things matter to people and when you start living with people there are going to be growing pains and you have to compromise. I don't have a problem with making changes to accommodate someone I care about, I just don't see why I should change for a temporary relationship. I lived with my best friend and we never fought despite being almost total opposites in terms of how we did our day to day stuff. I just went along with what she wanted except on a few occasions. I was okay with that because she was an important, permanent figure in my life. But if someone wanted me to change how I do certain things and at the same time was "unsure" about the future of our relationship, I wouldn't really see the point.



    The big family thing is also BS. I dated a guy from a big family and he was a brat. It's like saying latch-key kids are better at living with people because they expect to have to take care of things themselves. It's really more about the individual.

  5. #45
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    I can also say that after years in a marriage, sometimes those day to day things take on more weight. Most everyone is mindful in the beginning but over time we get comfortable and form habits that may or may not uplift the relationship and the other person. The logistics of who does the dishes may seem trivial but sometimes if a person feels resentful it can become emblematic of the issues the couple faces. For the record in my relationship these issues were problematic mostly when I was home with the children and he was the breadwinner- since neither of us had much of a window into the daily life of the other, and we were struggling a lot of the time, we both sort of felt like the other one got lucky in not having to do what we had to do. Now that we're both working and the kids are older and can pitch in too, it's much easier for us to make an equitable split and understand what the other faces from day to day.

    I grew up in a household of 5 children where those negotiations were forefront- but sibling and parent/child relationships are not the same as long-term romantic relationships among equals.

  6. #46

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lateralus View Post
    If all of these things are that big of a deal for you, maybe you're better off alone. I have 7 siblings. What you list here is trivial, IMO.
    +1
    Dirt Farmer

  7. #47
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    I know it seems trivial. And I guess in the context of a new cohabitating relationship, it is. But I stand by my post.

  8. #48
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pseudo View Post
    Find a house you can both afford, that's near both your work and activities, moving in, that you can fill with things you have to agree on, when's dinner, who does the laundry, who does the dishes, trash, what's our budget like, how late can we be noisy, what type of people come over and how often, who does the bills. Can you get pets

    I wouldn't want to deal with all these growing pains if I was just going to have to deal with them again with someone else. I can still enjoy my relationship while maintaining my own space.


    And then if it doesn't work out. What do we do with the things we bought together? split them, sell them and split the cash. DO i move out, do you move out. Who keeps our pets. Find a new place, move in, re buy the things your ex took.



    I don't think it's sad to think about these things, it's just realistic.
    Some of this can happen for people who have roommates, but probably is not as deeply invested and people are probably more often renters. Edit: some people are calling these things trivial, but they affect life every day, so i think you have the right idea about the significance. /edit

    There is some sense that people who marry are more invested than those living together, but that is not always the case. For my own experience divorcing, the emotional aspect is so exhausting that suddenly possessions aren't that big a deal - although I guess some people have the opposite reaction. I left a bunch of stuff in storage the significance of which faded drastically in that process. I dated my first husband for five years and was extra careful analyzing everything to be sure it could be forever and it wasn't. When I moved in with my current husband, we didn't have a long dating history, but I was serious when I moved in and hoped it could be forever. I would have been equally serious whether or not we had actually married, and many of my friends (hippies ) have a similar view of marriage.

    One feeling I have about marriage as an emotional contract of commitment is that while I am comfortable feeling committed for a lifetime, I don't want someone else to be with me only out of obligation. What does a person do if married to a partner who falls out of love and is uncomfortable living with you? When there are children people are extra busy helping them and there is reason to have a stable unit for their sake. When there are no children, what is the reason to expect someone to stay if they aren't happy? This might sound suprising, but even when married i want my partner to know that my foundational motive in loving him is to always have his best interest at heart whether or not that means being with me. When I love someone like that it is forever even if the relationship isn't. I hope and long for certainty, but it isn't always realistic.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  9. #49
    pathwise dependent FDG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pseudo View Post
    Find a house you can both afford, that's near both your work and activities, moving in, that you can fill with things you have to agree on, when's dinner, who does the laundry, who does the dishes, trash, what's our budget like, how late can we be noisy, what type of people come over and how often, who does the bills. Can you get pets
    You need to find someone compatible beforehand, so that those are relatively non-issues. I've never had an issue with these with my partner...

    (this is also why I am not fond of the "Marrying young" thingy - people get married after 6 months of knowing each other, it can work sure, but you do not know if you are compatible from these "practical" point of views!)
    ENTj 7-3-8 sx/sp

  10. #50
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    Who says marrying young means marrying after dating 6 months? I think that's a bad idea regardless of the age of the partners.

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