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  1. #21
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Do people really not see a difference between flaking on a kid or selling it for a pet and realizing that the child they'd adopted was far different than had been portrayed to them by an agency? We're not talking wishing the child was blonde or had a cuter personality. We're talking serious mental issues and threatening to harm the adoptive family. And this is not five years down the road, either.
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  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tallulah View Post
    Do people really not see a difference between flaking on a kid or selling it for a pet and realizing that the child they'd adopted was far different than had been portrayed to them by an agency? We're not talking wishing the child was blonde or had a cuter personality. We're talking serious mental issues and threatening to harm the adoptive family. And this is not five years down the road, either.
    Yes, of course there is a difference. However, the article doesn't state explicitly for how long the boy had been staying with the adoptive family or what exactly was done to help him previous to sending him back where he came from.

    This is a child who has been through something terrible. Abandoned by and/or taken away from birth parents, considering the abominable conditions in the Russian orphanages, getting adopted, complete change of environment, it is unclear at what age he was adopted, so I am assuming that maybe there was some trouble with the lack of English skills to communicate and express his frustration with (at least initially, so some needs that weren't expressed didn't get the attention that was necessary). Even with good language skills, a 7-year old little boy who is obviously deeply troubled and confused might be unable to express himself in an comprehensive manner.

    Anger and all kinds of issues this boy might have would take a long time to get over.

    So, taking the inconclusive data in the article into consideration, what they did was simply despicable. Maybe they did everything they could, maybe they asked for help and tried to help this boy but maybe they didn't and they just gave up on him too quickly.

  3. #23
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I think it was naive not to realize a kid that age was going to be pretty messed up, but I'm probably jaded because my M-I-L had a similar experience with the US foster system.

    I don't know what it would have taken to help the kids my M-I-L adopted or if anything could have helped them. It was definitely beyond her resources and probably beyond what the state wanted to put into them.

    To me, the people that screw kids up in the first place are the bad guys. The adoptive mother was misguided, but she might not have been able to get help for him here and I don't blame her for being afraid of a kid that was announcing he was going to burn the house down.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
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  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    I think it was naive not to realize a kid that age was going to be pretty messed up, but I'm probably jaded because my M-I-L had a similar experience with the US foster system.

    I don't know what it would have taken to help the kids my M-I-L adopted or if anything could have helped them. It was definitely beyond her resources and probably beyond what the state wanted to put into them.

    To me, the people that screw kids up in the first place are the bad guys. The adoptive mother was misguided, but she might not have been able to get help for him here and I don't blame her for being afraid of a kid that was announcing he was going to burn the house down.
    Naive, maybe yes. But if you want a child so bad that you are willing to adopt from a foreign country, you're bound to neglect some of the logic and let your judgement be clouded. And you can't consider every detail in advance. That's the tragedy of these situations. The adoptive parents might want this so bad and they really do believe that they can conquer anything.

    I agree, she might have been misguided but who knows what she really had to endure with the child or what measures she took to help him. Of course she has a right to be afraid for herself and her family but she still could have handled the situation differently, I don't think there's any doubt about that. It's just sad. For the boy most of all. At age 7, with a stigma of being mentally disturbed hanging over him, without proper help (there just aren't enough resources for that in Russia, I assume), he will stay at the orphanage until he's an adult and then he'll be kicked out of the system. What will wait for him then? It can turn out to be good, but my guess would be that it will not.

  5. #25
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    He was hitting and kicking people and spitting on them, threatening to kill people, and was caught trying to start a fire in his room after saying he was going to burn the house down with them in it.

    I imagine, just to start with, he was going to need intensive in-patient therapy. It is really hard to get insurance companies to pay for that kind of thing. From the news pics, it looks as if they live in a modest home, so they probably didn't have the money to just pay for that kind of thing out of pocket.

    If he was a US kid from the foster system, he would have had medicaid at least, but even they sometimes will just slap a band-aid on a serious problem.

    She probably had the resources to take on a fairly normal kid but I have little doubt they lied to her about his condition. So she ended up with a situation that was much more than she could handle and no good way to deal with it.

    I can't think of anything she really could have done besides turn his bedroom into a cell and that would not have been good either.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  6. #26
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    He was hitting and kicking people and spitting on them, threatening to kill people, and was caught trying to start a fire in his room after saying he was going to burn the house down with them in it.

    I imagine, just to start with, he was going to need intensive in-patient therapy. It is really hard to get insurance companies to pay for that kind of thing. From the news pics, it looks as if they live in a modest home, so they probably didn't have the money to just pay for that kind of thing out of pocket.

    If he was a US kid from the foster system, he would have had medicaid at least, but even they sometimes will just slap a band-aid on a serious problem.

    She probably had the resources to take on a fairly normal kid but I have little doubt they lied to her about his condition. So she ended up with a situation that was much more than she could handle and no good way to deal with it.

    I can't think of anything she really could have done besides turn his bedroom into a cell and that would not have been good either.
    This is exactly my read on the situation.
    Something Witty

  7. #27
    Symbolic Herald Vasilisa's Avatar
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    I'm not blaming anybody without knowing all the facts. Its just a bad situation all around. Russians have been fuming over the abuse and death of adoptees for years now. There is particular outrage over it, to the point of overlooking abuse and death of children domestically.
    Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov called the actions by the grandmother "the last straw" in a string of U.S. adoptions gone wrong, including three in which Russian children had died in the U.S.

    The cases have prompted outrage in Russia, where foreign adoption failures are reported prominently. Russian main TV networks ran extensive reports on the latest incident in their main evening news shows.
    It is a shame because there are so many children that need good homes. Russia is trying to encourage more domestic adoption, but the need is so large.

    Are people asking why Americans seek out foreign adoptions? From what I understand it is because its considered harder to adopt children out of foster care. The law sides with the rights of birth parents. The process can be longer and the outcome never guaranteed. I frequently hear people charge that it is because of race or "trend" but they don't seem to have any evidence for that besides assumption that I've seen.
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  8. #28
    Senior Member Survive & Stay Free's Avatar
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  9. #29
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    This is so sad for everyone involved.

    There may have been some bad decisions made but I can empathize with being in a tough situation, emotionally involved, and fearing for your safety, being without the emotional and perhaps also financial resources to deal with such a difficult problem, and making a hasty decision.

    I hope that if she is charged, the courts understand this.
    -end of thread-

  10. #30
    I am Sofa King!!! kendoiwan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sky is BLUE! View Post
    Yes, of course there is a difference. However, the article doesn't state explicitly for how long the boy had been staying with the adoptive family...
    6 months.
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