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  1. #1
    ByMySword
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    Cool Southerners Tribute Thread

    Ok, I'll start things off. I've been reading about the American Civil War lately, and it inspired me to make this.

    I found this article back when I was in high school and always thought it entertaining.

    Note: Many of these were actually written by a Yankee who moved down here.

    Southern Tourism Bureau Notice to all visiting Northerners
    And Northeastern Urbanites:


    The South......Like it or we will kick your ass!

    Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

    Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther, Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.

    Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

    We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

    We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.

    Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

    We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your ass.

    Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

    Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited hellholes like Detroit, Chicage, L.A., and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.

    Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.

    Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

    Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am", hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

    So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fund of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

    Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our sacred BBQ, and you'll go home in a pine box -minus your ass.

    Y'all have a nice day!

  2. #2
    Don't Judge Me! Haphazard's Avatar
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    You know, threatening with asskicking is not a good way to attract tourists.
    -Carefully taking sips from the Fire Hose of Knowledge

  3. #3
    ByMySword
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    Cool

    Quote Originally Posted by Haphazard View Post
    You know, threatening with asskicking is not a good way to attract tourists.
    You don't say.........


  4. #4
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    I love this thread.

  5. #5
    mountain surfing nomadic's Avatar
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    the only thing I think of when I think of the South is...

    SEC = cupcake schedule




  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Modern Nomad View Post
    the only thing I think of when I think of the South is...

    SEC = cupcake schedule

    *facepalm*

    If you DEFINITELY want to get your ass kicked, make fun of one of the South's most cherished past times, watching the SEC beat the holy hell out of any team dumb enough to come play in the dirty!

  7. #7
    mountain surfing nomadic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DiscoBiscuit View Post
    *facepalm*

    Did you just slap me with this?



    haha

    If you DEFINITELY want to get your ass kicked, make fun of one of the South's most cherished past times, watching the SEC beat the holy hell out of any team dumb enough to come play in the dirty!
    Yes, I know the SEC is good, and the fans are legendary for their passion.

    But if its so legendary, why make such a weak schedule??? Some sort of disconnect there you know? Florida ducks Pac 10 teams regularly. I mean, that means SEC = Mayweather, and Pac 10 = Manny.

  8. #8
    Magical BlackCat's Avatar
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    Yay! I'm from the south, and I have pride in the geographical location that I'm at!

    lol...

    But not really though.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  9. #9
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    This is just the beginning. More to come.

  10. #10
    mountain surfing nomadic's Avatar
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    I remember I saw a "Real TEXAS BBQ" sign outside of a restaurant near LAX. I gotta try it out one day.

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