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  1. #1
    Senior Member Eileen's Avatar
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    Default Adventuring Party Politics

    Came across this HERE: somehedgehog: Adventuring Party Politics: The Campaign is Getting Ugly
    Enjoy!

    GM: OK, the bugbear attacks you. What do you do?

    OBAMA: I send one of my 672 henchmen after it.

    MCCAIN: OK, seriously. Why does he have so many henchmen? I'm a level 72 ranger and he's only a level 8 paladin.

    OBAMA: Well, if you'd bought the Grassroots Organizing and Oratory/Colgate Smile proficiencies you could min max it so that you...

    MCCAIN: Why is he even IN this campaign? I thought this was supposed to be a high level party.

    OBAMA: Well, maybe some people got tired of the grim and squinty "Matterhorn, son of Marathon" shtick you keep doing. Dude, could you be any less original?

    MCCAIN: Oh my god, I did not leave my left nut in a tiger cage in the Tomb of Horrors to spend my Friday nights mopping up after the new kid.

    OBAMA: "My friends, I am a totally unoriginal grizzled character class stereotype. I should lead the party because I have more testicular damage than that one."

    MCCAIN: Yeah, well, you pal around with dark elves.

    OBAMA: OH NO YOU DIDN'T.

    MCCAIN: Whatever, so's your mom.

    OBAMA: So's your FACE.

    MCCAIN: So's your Mom's face!

    HILARY: WTF you guys. Why am I playing the cleric?

    MCCAIN: Hilary, we've been over this.

    HILARY: No, dude. I am so sick of being the girlfriend healer. Seriously, I can't even use a sword. Fuck this noise.

    KUCINICH: IM A BARD

    OBAMA: That's nice.

    KUCINICH: MY FAMILIAR IS A PURPLE SNOW LEOPARD

    MCCAIN: Oh, Jesus. Here we go.

    KUCINICH: DID I MENTION MY WIFE IS A TOTALLY BANGIN DRYAD WITH 20 CHARISMA

    HILARY: C'mon you guys, I've been playing this shit since Gygax was in eighth grade. Why can't I be the party leader with the magic sword for once?

    MCCAIN: Because no one wants to see you in a bronze bra.

    OBAMA: Oh dude, BURRRRRNNNN.

    HILARY: SCREW YOU, Grandpa. I will so kick your ass.

    MCCAIN: Yeah? Bring it! I didn't spend 3 years in the Abyss with Githzerai hooking my nads up to a car battery to get beat by some Wellesley girl.

    HILARY: WHATEVER, you can't even lift your arms over your head.

    RON PAUL: I brought my Planescape character!

    OBAMA: Dude, we're playing Forgotten Realms.

    RON PAUL: I rift in from Sigil! I'm a Chaotic Neutral Tiefling Barbarian/Monk/Rogue!

    MCCAIN: DUDE, that is not even LEGAL.

    RON PAUL: Ronpaul the Barbarian say: suck it! Guns and abortions and weed for everyone! WHEEE!

    PALIN: Hi folks! Sorry I'm late! I brought caribou burgers.

    HILARY: Who the HELL is this?

    MCCAIN: It's cool, she's with me.

    HILARY: No! No, it's not cool! Every time you bring one of your rodeo-queen girlfriends in here she ends up playing some succubus infiltrator and killing the whole party!

    MCCAIN: Now, that is patently untrue.

    BIDEN: He has a point. Cindy turned out to be a vampire.

    MCCAIN: DUDE. SHUT UP.

    GM: You guys, seriously, if you don't knock it off with the bickering I'm going to start docking XP.

    MCCAIN: You know what? Fuck it. I'm suspending the campaign.

    GM: You can't do that! Only I can suspend the campaign! I didn't suspend it for the 1988 Mountain Dew shortage and I'm not going to suspend it now.

    KUCINICH: YOU GUYS I AM TOTALLY CASTING A CANTRIP

    MCCAIN: Oh my god, Dennis, shut up, you don't even count.

    KUCINICH: YOU GUYS ARE DICKS

    BIDEN: Where are the Cheetos?

    RON PAUL: Wait. What happen to tiny Mormon Man?

    GM: You find Mitt's lifeless, drained corpse has been stuffed in the broom closet.

    HILARY: Oh, God DAMMIT.

    MCAIN: Not ok! NOT OK!

    OBAMA: What, I didn't even get a detect evil roll for that one?

    HILARY: I TOLD you she was a succubus, but did anyone listen? Oohhhhh no, Hilary's just jealous of the beauty queen.

    RON PAUL: Pretty Lady screw Mitt lifeless. Ronpaul SMASH!!

    MCCAIN: Would you please go light up a spliff and stay out of this? The grown ups are talking.

    RON PAUL: Why pretty lady suck life out of Mitt and not Ronpaul? Not fair!

    HILARY: I mean, never mind that I'm the one with 17 Wisdom, but does anyone listen to the girl? Noooooo.

    RON PAUL: Also Mitt have stupid name. Who name kid after baseball equipment?

    KUCINICH: HAY YOU GUYS CHECK OUT MY HEAD OF VECNA TRICK

    HILARY: This never would have happened when Tim Russert was our GM.

    GM: You know what? Forget it. Rocks fall, everyone dies.

    OBAMA: Screw you guys. I'm going to go play Bunnies and Burrows at Jon Stewart's house.

    HILARY: Me too.

    MCCAIN: Me too.

    KUCINICH: GAZEBO!
    INFJ

    "I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. You can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

  2. #2
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    HILARY: No, dude. I am so sick of being the girlfriend healer. Seriously, I can't even use a sword. Fuck this noise.
    That line alone was worth the time it took to read the whole thing.

    (Although Kucinich was pretty good too. And Cindy being a vampire, ouch.)
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  3. #3
    Senior Member lowtech redneck's Avatar
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    Thank you Eileen, I needed that. I particularly enjoyed the part where Ron Paul is a Planescape player.

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