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  1. #1
    Rubber Nipple Salesperson ladypinkington's Avatar
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    Default Has anyone read How To Win Friends and Influence People-what are your thoughts?

    I was wondering if anyone has put into practice any of the priniciples they have learned from this book and what their experiences were as a result.

    I was also interested in learning what others might have agreed with and found helpful or found disagreeable and why and why not.

    What are your thoughts and experiences in getting people to like you, winning people to your ways of thinking, and changing bad behavior?
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    I think I only read the first half or so. It's pretty useful.

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    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jack Flak View Post
    I think I only read the first half or so. It's pretty useful.
    You're basing your assessment on what?

    I read it a long time ago. Someone gave it to me (bitch!).
    It was pretty self-evident stuff. Smile, give compliments, be genuinely interested in folk - all the stuff I don't do.

    Flattery works. Sad but true.

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    Quote Originally Posted by bluemonday View Post
    You're basing your assessment on what?

    I read it a long time ago. Someone gave it to me (bitch!).
    It was pretty self-evident stuff. Smile, give compliments, be genuinely interested in folk - all the stuff I don't do.

    Flattery works. Sad but true.
    lol. The advice is useful, and I think I've heeded it three or four times. But normally, typically INTP-like, I'm much less interested in winning friends and influencing people than countless other things.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jack Flak View Post
    But normally, typically INTP-like, I'm much less interested in winning friends and influencing people than countless other things.
    ditto.

    I'm reading it right now. This is probably also due to my INTPness, but a lot of the things were not so much self-evident as they were "duh! why didn't I realize that?"

  6. #6
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ladypinkington View Post
    I was wondering if anyone has put into practice any of the priniciples they have learned from this book and what their experiences were as a result.

    I was also interested in learning what others might have agreed with and found helpful or found disagreeable and why and why not.

    What are your thoughts and experiences in getting people to like you, winning people to your ways of thinking, and changing bad behavior?
    I read it @ 20 years ago when I was an entrepreneur.
    In my opinion, INTJs are one of the most socially backward types, so I found it to be very helpful toward improving myself.
    Here's a webpage that lists the main points of the book.
    How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
    The ones that made a lasting impression on me, and which I have continued to utilize over the years are these:

    • Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
    • Give honest and sincere appreciation.
    • Smile.
    • Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
    • The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

    I have never been good at the "winning people to your ways of thinking", or "changing bad behavior" portions of the book. I guess I could have applied myself more to it, but I just don't think those ways. I think if I had seen it modeled more in other people, I may have been able to learn to emulate it.

    I've since noticed, though, in the re-runs of the Andy Griffith Show, Andy is phenomenal at those things. I admire him for his skill in that, especially "Let the other person save face." I think he must do that to Barney in almost every episode!

  7. #7
    Free-Rangin' Librarian Jae Rae's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTJMom View Post
    I read it @ 20 years ago when I was an entrepreneur.
    In my opinion, INTJs are one of the most socially backward types, so I found it to be very helpful toward improving myself.
    Here's a webpage that lists the main points of the book.
    How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
    The ones that made a lasting impression on me, and which I have continued to utilize over the years are these:

    • Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
    • Give honest and sincere appreciation.
    • Smile.
    • Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
    • The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

    I have never been good at the "winning people to your ways of thinking", or "changing bad behavior" portions of the book. I guess I could have applied myself more to it, but I just don't think those ways. I think if I had seen it modeled more in other people, I may have been able to learn to emulate it.

    I've since noticed, though, in the re-runs of the Andy Griffith Show, Andy is phenomenal at those things. I admire him for his skill in that, especially "Let the other person save face." I think he must do that to Barney in almost every episode!
    INTJMom you're great! Who else could mention the Andy Griffith show to make a serious point and have it make sense?

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    Proud Female Rider in Maverick's Bike Club.

  8. #8
    Senior Member kuranes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bluemonday View Post
    It was pretty self-evident stuff. Smile, give compliments, be genuinely interested in folk - all the stuff I don't do.

    Flattery works. Sad but true.
    Yeah, this was my feeling about it, too, to some degree. I can see NJG's point, also, in asking

    Quote Originally Posted by notjeffgoldblum View Post
    My first issue with the book is that one of the principles is "Become genuinely interested in other people." Is this even possible? If you have to "become" interested in someone, that's not genuine.
    This both true and yet ( in another way ) not true.

    I keep forgetting, in my life, about the "not true" part; which is, that if one acts as though they feel something, with such seeming conviction and superb skill that the performance might even fool one's friends, or ( if watching in a mirror and pretending you don't know ) oneself, then a strange phenomena often takes place. One gradually actualizes the role into reality, so that one is no longer acting.
    Quote Originally Posted by notjeffgoldblum View Post
    There are many more things I like about the material. It just so happens that it is much easier to pick out something I didn't like. Ironically, this very same human tendency is mentioned in the book and discouraged.
    This is the stumbling block that I continue to trip over again and again. I naively believe all of the people who say they want honest constructive criticism ( not that I limit it to just them, or always make it constructive, but y'know....) from me. The book makes it clear that they really do NOT want this, at least most of the time, even if they ask for it. I keep telling myself, that, by saying what I really think about faults, my eventual praise on successfully accomplished points will be that much more meaningful to them. What I've found instead is that many people will think you're coddling them if/when you finally give them praise, especially if they're used to criticism from you. Now it may be that the book "was not written re: strong 'T's", but some of that may apply to them as well, because I can't tell you how many times that "Give it to me straight, I can take it" has come back to blow up in my face with people from all walks.

    But I still haven't adopted the book's recommendations, even now, after all these proofs over the years that the book was right ! Because somehow this part seems "phoney" to me in another sense. So my compromise is to limit things more to what I sincerely did like about something or someone, then to give the whole treatment....that is..... when I remember to engage in this.

    You can also use the same techniques on your own self ! They say the subconscious takes everything literally, and so if you curse yourself after every fairly serious mistake you make ( "You dumb shit!" ) for even a moment, then you should also be sure to speak ( present tense only ) about your strengths, or current "success" during other moments, in order to remove such negative "programming" that gets in there in this manner. Hard to believe, but the subconscious is a funny thing.

    I can tell you that the part it says about coming to people for advice (help ) is a great way to not only get the advice, but to also get them to like you, because if they gave advice to someone that they "didn't like" there would be cognitive dissonance, and so therefore.....

    Now you couldn't go up to someone who already hated you and expect to turn them around all the time with such techniques, but it may work at least partially even on them sometimes, and it is best used prior to things degenerating to such a point.

    When I was a corporate headhunter, I had to use social engineering to get past all the phone screeners and into the IT department with names. People who were new to my company were surprised to hear me talking to gatekeepers on the phone about how it was my first day on the job at this company and "could they help?" etc. Some of these techniques need a new spin nowadays to continue working, as people have been warned about stuff like this, but it can certainly work in your life, too, if you can only remember to do it, as for some of us it appears to be "counter-intuitive". ( At least for a lot of us guys; I'm not sure how women might feel on the subject. )

    Quote Originally Posted by INTJmom
    I've since noticed, though, in the re-runs of the Andy Griffith Show, Andy is phenomenal at those things. I admire him for his skill in that, especially "Let the other person save face." I think he must do that to Barney in almost every episode!
    "The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them that they are being attacked and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country."
    Reichsfuhrer Herman Goering at the Nuremburg trials.

  9. #9
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    ^ that's social-engineering Kuranes, not winning friends!
    although, maybe it's the same thing.....

  10. #10
    Senior Member kuranes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bluemonday View Post
    ^ that's social-engineering Kuranes, not winning friends!
    although, maybe it's the same thing.....
    The last example is, in fact, social engineering; but read the rest of what I said and see if you can see where I'm coming from. Maybe you can help me re-state it, if you think a different example would get my point across better.
    "The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them that they are being attacked and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country."
    Reichsfuhrer Herman Goering at the Nuremburg trials.

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