Have you ever had an intense feeling of peace and happiness? I would like to share one of mine, and I encourage you to share yours as well.
This is a multi-layered feeling, so I am going to break it into its component parts (or try to, as it is not clear where the boundaries are) before it goes away:
If you are wondering what this is about, I have gotten back in touch with my two long-lost sisters. Perhaps this will settle my type once and for all as it will describe how I processed the experience and in what order the moods shifted and changed.
Part 1 (positive, optimistic aspects):
I have never felt this way before! I am so happy and at peace, I am in tears! These people are so loving and accepting. Their love is unconditional, pure. They love everybody with their whole souls, fight for what they believe in, and understand me fully. I am whole and these people will not judge me. I am at peace. These are good people. They will fight for me and for themselves. No matter what, these girls will accept me because they are my sisters, and I will fight for them, because I have to. These people understand me and I them. We share our father's blood, the Great Inventor, Challenger of Injustice. I have never been so elated and so connected with the past. We can do great things together, I can feel it. There is synergy. I am loved and accepted. Perhaps this is a sign of things to come. If these girls are so amiable, so liberal, so willing to chase their dreams and catch life by the horns, am I to be this way? Perhaps the guest speaker at the UU church was right: we are but roses ready to bloom. We are all special and we can not compare ourselves to our ideal selves or where we should be. Rather we should celebrate how far we have come. Each stage of the process is more beautiful than the last, and we can only judge ourselves as we are now. I was once quite petulant and self-rightous. Following the rules of the religion I was born into was more important than things like compassion or kindness or justice. I have grown in compassion, and though I fail at times in my attempts to create a fairer world, if I take my sisters as a future trajectory, I can expect to eventually make a great impact on the world, not just through counseling people individually as I am apt to do now, but by making large and tangeable changes to the way people treat each other. I can make a difference even if my career does not center around goodness, as one of my sister's does. Both of my sisters champion what is good and what is right. They fight for the oppressed. They have the courage to speak up against evil when I often times would find it impossible to overcome my silence, overcome with fear of what might happen. They can mentor me in the ways of the champion. My father would have been happy to see us together. I remember being a little boy when my sisters would visit me. Oh, how many years ago that was! I loved for them to come visit. The memories are fuzzy, worn with age: 15 years separate that time and this time. Those years, filled with loneliness and fear of judgement are at an end. Oh, but I wanted to describe my memories....sorry. They were so young back then. So was I. Our father was alive. The elation in my chest was overpowering when I would lay eyes on them as a boy of only 3 years. This memory is so distant, but yet so clear in emotional content, albeit not as intense as what I feel now. The windows let in clear rays of sunshine to my right, the white tile floor beneath my bare feet cold and refreshing as the ice cream on a hot day. My sisters entered and I ran and jumped to hug them. I was quite the excitable boy. Jump ahead a few minutes and we are outside, and I am being pushed on the swing my father built. That is my first memory of them. Now I am 4. My father just bought this enormous red airplane...let us skip this next part...too sad. I see them at the funeral. I will not speak to them again until I am 19. We are together now, and I will make sure nothing drives us apart. I cannot wait until I see them in person this June. I forecast it will a deep spiritual sense of reconnection rivaling what I see now.
Part 2 (Negative Aspects, Pessimism, worry):
What if there is more to this than meets the eye? What if my sisters see the REAL me and rescind their promise of unconditional love? Most people who are kind to me who know me in person I believe do so out of pity, pity for my lack of common sense and my scatteredness and my weirdness. What if this feeling of joy does not last? What if they get to know me better and think I am a creep or not smart or not a good person? Having been raised as an only child in a JW household, with only a little of experience with siblings in the form of step-brother and a step-sister who have visited me the last 5 years when they have time off from school, and a little experience with my two half sisters from when I was very young, will I say the right things? What if I say the wrong thing? What if my mother, who has never liked my Father's other children, acts in spite or treats me as superior to them in some way? What if my step father is an ASS? If he is an ASS, I will have to find some way to get back at him. But how? He is way bigger than I am! I have to watch my mom and step-dad around them. Their self-righteous attitudes and back-ass-wards psuedomorals will embarrass the hell out of me. I am so goofy, but I have to put my best foot forward, show how much I care they are here! These girls seem so much like me that there has to be some projection going on somewhere. What if I have overidealized them? It would be like part of me died if they are not as good as they seem now. They have to differ from me or my values in some way.
Part 3 (Aspects I am unsure are positive or negative):
I have to preserve this feeling in some way. It cannot be contaminated. I have to record it, keep it private from those who might attack it. My mother and step-father can never know I wrote this. I swear, if my sisters have even one complaint or get hurt because of that insensitive thug...grrrrr....
I am going to post this on spirituality because I consider part 1 intense enough to be a spiritual experience and I want to hear other people's stories of intense positive emotion.
I will also post this to my blog to record this pivotal experience without criticism.
In addition, I will post this to MBTI forum to see if this reveals/confirms anything about my type and I want to see if I can type my sisters.