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  1. #1
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    Default Was this satan or god speaking? (Christianity)

    So, the other day I was just following my impulses as they one after another saved my life. After 5 days my RV and my Jeep were fixed and consolidated into one location in the middle of the rocky mountains.

    Toward the very end as my journey came to a close, i said to god, "Ok god, i got it from here."

    From that moment onward a terrible guilt took hold of me and started growing stronger and stronger until it became absolute despair.

    It was possibly the worst thing I experienced ever. I started breathing heavy and just freaking out, and I had to pray to god for forgiveness to get it to stop. Shortly after the bus came and I was on my way.

    Anyway, at the time I interpreted it as something god sent and completely dreadful.I interpreted it as god saying, "You will become the happy, healthy, enlightened person i want you to become. If you don't, you will suffer!" And then my emotions flipped inside out and started chewing a hole in me. For the rest of the day I felt like a beaten dog and didn't want to be a christian anymore. I wondered what kind of a god i was worshipping.

    I've been told that god's wrath burns us when we sin, and I've been told that satan was permited to attempt to draw me away from god.

    It felt like I was a slave to an abusive narcissist. Do as I say or else you get the fire!

    Thoughts? What was this experience? Are there any bible verses that talk about satan causeing absolute despair in people as a means to sway them from god?

  2. #2
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    YIKES that sounds very intense.


    The god I know wouldn't do that. I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way, but do you think there is a chance you may have been psyching yourself out (when you were feeling the anxiousness and despair I mean)?
    Your kisses, sweeter than honey. But guess what, so is my money.

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    Senior Member Nicodemus's Avatar
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    It was yourself speaking. Hence: http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/forum99/

    What brazen book to write. "How to correctly divide by 0. You're going it wrong, kids."

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nicodemus View Post
    What brazen book to write. "How to correctly divide by 0. You're going it wrong, kids."

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    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    Im not going to argue whether this was god or satan, because i dont really believe in that.

    But i got a little story.. I had this sleep paralysis some years ago and during it this demon like figure(masked as a old man) with totally evil vibe appeared to me(froze me by taking me under his control etc). He didnt say anything, but i got the message. The message was that i will regret dying if i dont do more of what i like and enjoy life more. The point is that it was the demon doing the "gods work". Just something for you to think about.

    The way i see it is that these forces are part of me(and part of other people as its part of being a human) and that they are not inherently good or evil. Even tho christianity is so keen on labeling them that way and repressing everything that comes from whats not labeled as good. I mean this demon gave me a valuable lesson, and if i would believe in god, i would thank him, instead i just thank the unconscious parts of my psyche.
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

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    Mojibake sprinkles's Avatar
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    Oddly enough I've had fights with "God" that sound very much like this.

    I concluded that it's not actually God since I can win the argument i.e. "I'm tuff!! You can't run me! Who do you think you are?? If you have to force me then you're not God!"

  8. #8
    Senior Member yeghor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Azure Flame View Post
    So, the other day I was just following my impulses as they one after another saved my life. After 5 days my RV and my Jeep were fixed and consolidated into one location in the middle of the rocky mountains.

    Toward the very end as my journey came to a close, i said to god, "Ok god, i got it from here."

    From that moment onward a terrible guilt took hold of me and started growing stronger and stronger until it became absolute despair.

    It was possibly the worst thing I experienced ever. I started breathing heavy and just freaking out, and I had to pray to god for forgiveness to get it to stop. Shortly after the bus came and I was on my way.

    Anyway, at the time I interpreted it as something god sent and completely dreadful.I interpreted it as god saying, "You will become the happy, healthy, enlightened person i want you to become. If you don't, you will suffer!" And then my emotions flipped inside out and started chewing a hole in me. For the rest of the day I felt like a beaten dog and didn't want to be a christian anymore. I wondered what kind of a god i was worshipping.

    I've been told that god's wrath burns us when we sin, and I've been told that satan was permited to attempt to draw me away from god.

    It felt like I was a slave to an abusive narcissist. Do as I say or else you get the fire!

    Thoughts? What was this experience? Are there any bible verses that talk about satan causeing absolute despair in people as a means to sway them from god?
    I think you are using religious narrative to voice out your fears. What's it really about in yourself?

  9. #9
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    I'm inclined to think, as others have said, that this is you beating yourself up because you have a certain conception of what it means to follow God and you want to beat out any deviation from that. Here you exhibited a kind of "pride" I suppose, by thinking you could do something without God's help; and then you ended up emotionally flagellating yourself for a day to punish yourself for having that idea. I was a merciless flagellator too when I was a teenager; sometimes the degree I would punish myself for "wrongdoing" would confuse people who were more forgiving.

    So it makes it sound like your concept of faith is very black and white and there's no space in the middle for you to invest in the process of your life unfolding and interacting with God to create the outpouring of who you are becoming.

    I agree that there is a lot of mysticism out there nowadays, people looking for some miraculous justification to make even what amounts to small choices. Lots of "laying out of the fleeces" as it were, to get a clear and evidenced sign. I suspect it stems from a few things, including not wanting to take responsibility for one's own decisions, not wanting to piss off God and be punished / seen as bad and rejected, and maybe just the desire to feel like one is part of something epic and supernatural and bigger, versus the daily mundane. If you view your life as some huge struggle between darkness and light, with supernatural happening, then it certainly seems more exciting and larger than what life typically is otherwise.

    I've found that life occurs in the daily mundane, though -- the routine choices that we make that shape us into who we are over the long-term. In light of that, too, parents don't typically abuse their children for a stray thought; I've learned this both from the child and from the parent end of things. It's counter-productive to growth. Parents don't want robots, they want to raise people who can learn to think and feel and perceive what's going on inside of them and then respond to it. It involves some degree of mistake-making, some degree of feeling good about one's capabilities and accomplishments. There still is a healthy awareness of limitations, but it's not necessarily a bad thing to feel capable. It's all about overall perspective and understanding one's place in the universe, which keeps people humble and centered.

    Anyway, if there is a god worth serving, it's not one who beats you like a dog and abuses you for having stray thoughts. I tend to see this as an overactive superego structure within yourself, that you're using to beat yourself up - you're enslaved to that vicious pattern of self-abasement -- and freedom (which is scary in itself) lies beyond it. And if you believe in god, not only would he want freedom for you, but you aren't going to be of use if you beat yourself into the ground anytime you deviate from this rigid flightplan in your head. Freedom is actually freedom... including freedom to explore, freedom to fail, freedom to make mistakes.

    .....

    So let's look at your thought: "Okay, god, I got it from here." What were you feeling when you said this? How did it position you towards god? Was it a "Yay, I can do this" attitude of gratitude or was it a "get lost, you punk, I don't need or want you"? Which type of attitude is productive and empowering versus not, and which cements you more in a relationship with the divine than not? It's not that you had a thought like this, the essence of it is what your thought meant and whether it was a bad thought in itself and how you can shape yourself for the future accordingly.

    I think back to helping my kids learn how to ride a bike. I would have to run along beside them and keep them from falling, over and over again. But it was a pretty incredible moment when I felt them steady out consistently, and then I let go -- still just a few inches from grabbing that bike, I was there for them -- but they kept going all on their own, and finally I could stop and watch them ride away. It was a little bittersweet because they didn't need me anymore for that, but at the same time I was like, "This is so cool!" seeing them be able to do something they had not been able to do before, on their own. It didn't mean they were no longer my kids or that I hadn't been necessary for them to acquire that skill -- they learned to ride because I held them up until they could fly on their own -- but now they were capable of riding on their own, and their thrill was my thrill.

    I think the power of love empowers others to become more... more capable, more giving, more open, more aware of one's exact place in the world. But it is the power of darkness to disempower others, to debase them, to put them down, to disable them. In that way the darkness can maintain its hold; it takes freedom and power from others to ensure its dominance.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  10. #10
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    Thanks for all the atheistic responses.

    I realized it was actually god removing himself from my life because I asked him to.

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