The god I know wouldn't do that. I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way, but do you think there is a chance you may have been psyching yourself out (when you were feeling the anxiousness and despair I mean)?
I wasn't feeling despair. Maybe I was idunno. If I was I didn't know it. Despair is kind of an odd thing to not know you're feeling.
Ah I was going off the part where you wrote "From that moment onward a terrible guilt took hold of me and started growing stronger and stronger until it became absolute despair."
But it looks like you have figured out how to make sense of the events, so I'm glad, and wish you the best in your faith journey!
Well I did feel despair, but It was momentary. I guess what I was saying was, I didn't feel despair and then suddenly "remember" I was in despair. I was quite content and happy and adventurous, and then WHAM I started hating my life. It definitely felt like a hole in venus' atmosphere was openning up and I could see the red bubbling landscape miles below, and with that was a dread I've only experienced during prayer induced psychadelic experiences.
Im not going to argue whether this was god or satan, because i dont really believe in that.
But i got a little story.. I had this sleep paralysis some years ago and during it this demon like figure(masked as a old man) with totally evil vibe appeared to me(froze me by taking me under his control etc). He didnt say anything, but i got the message. The message was that i will regret dying if i dont do more of what i like and enjoy life more. The point is that it was the demon doing the "gods work". Just something for you to think about.
The way i see it is that these forces are part of me(and part of other people as its part of being a human) and that they are not inherently good or evil. Even tho christianity is so keen on labeling them that way and repressing everything that comes from whats not labeled as good. I mean this demon gave me a valuable lesson, and if i would believe in god, i would thank him, instead i just thank the unconscious parts of my psyche.
Sleep paralysis?! How is is that relevant to anything important? Sleep paralysis..ugh. I've heard it all now, folks! Fucked up world this is...
I realized it was actually god removing himself from my life because I asked him to.
I have a very agnostic view on religion. I'm willing to let people believe, and I'm willing to listen. Part of me wants to believe, most of me lacks the ability. That being said, I think when you ever find yourself in a crisis of whether guidance is from heaven or hell, trust yourself to do what is right, not what is told.
Just my opinion, but if god wants you to do right, he'd give you morals, not his direct control. I don't have a religious background though, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
So, the other day I was just following my impulses as they one after another saved my life. After 5 days my RV and my Jeep were fixed and consolidated into one location in the middle of the rocky mountains.
Toward the very end as my journey came to a close, i said to god, "Ok god, i got it from here."
From that moment onward a terrible guilt took hold of me and started growing stronger and stronger until it became absolute despair.
It was possibly the worst thing I experienced ever. I started breathing heavy and just freaking out, and I had to pray to god for forgiveness to get it to stop. Shortly after the bus came and I was on my way.
Anyway, at the time I interpreted it as something god sent and completely dreadful.I interpreted it as god saying, "You will become the happy, healthy, enlightened person i want you to become. If you don't, you will suffer!" And then my emotions flipped inside out and started chewing a hole in me. For the rest of the day I felt like a beaten dog and didn't want to be a christian anymore. I wondered what kind of a god i was worshipping.
I've been told that god's wrath burns us when we sin, and I've been told that satan was permited to attempt to draw me away from god.
It felt like I was a slave to an abusive narcissist. Do as I say or else you get the fire!
Thoughts? What was this experience? Are there any bible verses that talk about satan causeing absolute despair in people as a means to sway them from god?
Maybe it means you are an Enneagram 6 .
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Oh hmm. I'm not Christian, but do you think this could have been fueled by some inner anxiety that took the form of an malevolent god? A good deal of times, our fears manifest themselves in the most "known" and "feared" form.
I'm almost phobic of wasps. When I used to have bad dreams, I'd have wasps buzzing or swarming in them somewhere. Sometimes I'd wake up in a night sweat and assume that there were a few landing on me, only to turn on the light to find nothing.