Compromise and Religion in relationships

[Coriolis]

I'd go, just to learn more about them, and the people they probably have bonds with in their life through that church. I'd also promise to be openminded towards the religion aspect itself and take it in to see if it perhaps could be for me. At the same time, I'd expect that to be my choice and mine alone. No promises, no demands, no converting. Equal open-mindedness and respect. And then we see where we stand after that and go from there.

I would also expect my partner to respect my religious views. As it happens they differ significantly on the surface. He is Methodist, and I am Pagan. Our underlying thoughts on the nature of god and the universe and our purpose in life, etc. are not that far off, however, especially when it comes down to how we live our lives. We just come at it from very different perspectives. As for religious activities, he comes to circle with me, or helps host at our house, but rather than participate in ritual he helps wrangle any kids present which is much appreciated. I go to his church now and then, especially when it is an important holiday, or they need me to play music. So, it all works out for us.

 

[Qlip]

I have two personal rules that impact how I would feel about being with somebody religious.

1) I don't go to regularly planned religious services. The concept wigs me out, it's PTSD left over from my youth. It doesn't matter what the religion is, this is why I couldn't swing going to Zen meditation.

2) I'm not interested in anybody who's opinions and feelings are by default the same an external source. I can't deal with anybody who only knows what's good and what's bad because that's what they are told, or because they trust [whatever].

 

[skylights]

IME I like going to people's religious services - I find them interesting and usually enjoyable as long as it's not too much fire and brimstone - but I expect them to have a level of respect for my personal views (spiritual deist/pantheist) and understand that I'm not going because I'm interested in joining their church, but to support them personally. I've had friends try to sneakily convert me before, bad experiences.

To be fair, I've experienced the other side of it too. I like being a member of a UU congregation (it's all-religion inclusive and more of a philosophy), but my boyfriend's solidly atheist and very uninterested in anything religious. We don't live near a UU congregation now, so there has been no pressure from me, but I've voiced that at some point I would love for him to join me in attending a service. He said he'd try it but didn't sound excited. I understand, considering the other point of view, but it's also hard not to be excited about the prospect of sharing something that is deeply meaningful and fulfilling to me with someone who is very important to me.

So I can sort of feel both sides of this.

I think in general to be compatible you have to be respectful of one another's views, and to be okay with them as they are.

 

[citizen cane]

I wouldn't date someone that had a significantly different value system from my own, that wished to convert me, or genuinely believed that I was going to hell. In my opinion, the latter- to be in a relationship with someone who is sincerely convinced that you're going to hell (or that you think is going to hell) when you/ they die, is significantly harmful, regardless of how well you manage to compartmentalize. I also wouldn't convert just to keep a relationship going, even if the above was not an issue. That about sums up my view on the matter.

 

[cafe]

I think what worries me more than anything is that my husband could potentially become clergy. His degree is in Biblical studies and he had to drop out of seminary because I couldn't handle being impoverished students anymore. I am a Christian and I enjoy studying the Bible and religion, but church people . . .

My husband wouldn't pressure me, I don't think, but I'd want to be supportive. However, I just don't have a lot of patience for people's nonsense anymore. And I'm pretty bad at all of the SFJ stuff.

What's been pretty crazy for us is that we met at an Evangelical Bible college in 1991, so we were both pretty conservative. Over the years, we both have come to the conclusion that fiscal conservatism is complete BS and in opposition to Christ's teachings, so we don't consider ourselves conservatives anymore. I'm more socially liberal than he is, but we manage to respect each other. For example, I don't put pro-gay marriage stuff on the family van and he doesn't give me crap about paying extra to get pro-gay marriage license plates on the other vehicles, even though he is the sole family breadwinner.

His job interferes with attending religious services for the foreseeable future, but I think he might eventually like to go to church at least if circumstances allow. I don't think I can go to a church that is intolerant of same sex couples, etc more than just to visit once in awhile. Right now, I get roped into going to a conservative church because my brother is a pastor and my mom goes to his church, but even bribing myself with lunch out does not make it tolerable on a regular basis.

 

[Cimarron]

To the OP, yes, I love sharing different religious views and fostering dialogue, etc. If it's a romantic interest, it's a bit more complicated...

Sure - once, as an observer. It is very unlikely that I would be in a relationship with someone who valued going to church, though.

I agree, the thing is that most people involve themselves in relationships and intimacy with people who share the values important to them. Religious beliefs or attitude towards them would be one of those. If your religious beliefs are important to you, don't you want someone who shares similar values? On the other hand, if your religious beliefs are not important to you, then this question is irrelevant anyway.

 

[prplchknz]

I'm not religious but one of my best friend's is and my mom is as well. And my friend is about to be chrismated so I'll probably go to support him, and that's it. I don't mind going if someone asks and it's important for them. Just don't make me convert, and we cool

 

[violaine]

If they want me to go as a potential convert, then no way. If it's so that we could learn more about each other, or to do something with them so they don't feel lonely doing the thing they love, or to meet their church friends, then ok. With the understanding that I'll be dragging their ass along to do the things I love too.

 

[Lexicon]

I think it would depend on whether or not I believed it was an attempt to convert me. If they just wanted me for company and to integrate me into their social group, I'd probably be willing to go along with that. If they were trying to fix or improve me, I think I would be resistant.

This. I would want to understand my partner's values/beliefs, and attending church with them would probably be helpful in this, hypothetically.
I've done this with friends, and could see its applicability for lovers.

However, that said, our core values/worldview would probably differ so much that there would be a lack of a certain deep intimacy I doubt could ever be surmounted (at least not to any degree I personally would be satisfied with), so my answering this is almost pointless, because religion is a dealbreaker to me in relationships. My beliefs would be viewed as inherently bad in the eyes of my partner. Their religion may dictate that my values have less worth, or might even be illustrated as evil in their religious doctrine. How is that sustainable? How deeply could someone truly love you- & be okay with the fact that their religion damns you to eternal pain after death? I think reconciling that would be extremely taxing on both sides, and quite possibly a fruitless endeavor.

 

[93JC]

The question is moot. I wouldn't "really (like, really) like someone" who wanted to drag me to church. Religion is a dealbreaker.

 

[Firebird 8118]

I wouldn't expect anyone I liked to go to church with me (or to a temple or guruduwara, for that matter). The choice is up to them, whether they wish to go with me or not. It's their free will.

Just as I don't force my religious beliefs on anyone, I don't appreciate anyone trying to convert me into atheism.

 

[Mole]

Looking Up and Looking Down

For millennia we lived in a universe we did not understand.

But as we are meaning creating animals we created a meaning for the universe.

Our first attempt to create a meaning for the universe was to look upwards.

We looked upwards at the clouds and imagined they were populated with Gods who provided an explanation for everything that happened on Earth.

But recently, rather than looking up for an explanation of the universe, we have looked down.

We have looked down in the physical world and discovered Quantum Mechanics, which accurately explains the physical world.

We looked down in the living world and discovered Natural Selection which accurately describes the world of living creatures.

And we looked down in the social world and discovered that child rearing practices explain everything from personality to social movements and war.

So to understand our physical, living, and social worlds, all we need to do is to look down rather than looking up.

And if we continue to look up, we are compromised.

 

[011235813]

Yes, I'd be willing to convert to another religion if my significant other wanted it, but it's more than likely that it would be in name only. I think it would be really difficult for me to adopt prescribed religious principles and beliefs wholesale; plus I don't really derive any solace from group worship or religious community. Sometimes, it even makes me uncomfortable. And I don't think that would change easily. So yeah.

 

[Red Herring]

I would go with a platonic friend any time - out of curiosity. What's the harm? Could be interesting. In fact, I have recently been to a Sikh gurudwara.

A romantic interest or partner though? Hell no. I can't see myself in a long term relationship with somebody religious. That would be a red flag. If my partner suddenly turned religious I would be very, very worried about what drives them to change like that. I couldn't teach my kids something I don't believe in and even consider harmful, so even if I could tolerate religion in a partner, there would be no longterm potential.

 

[five sounds]

i'm the kind of person who is open minded and adventurous, especially when it comes to people i care about and the things they care about.

that said, i take spirituality pretty seriously and could never see myself changing my beliefs for anyone.

so, yeah i'd go, assuming i didn't feel like they were pushing me too much. but if i felt pressure to 'convert', i think i would react pretty negatively, and not going to church with them could become a part of my protest.

 

[Forever_Jung]

I dated an ESFJ girl that wanted me to go to Church with her, because it was important to her that I respected her faith. She was also worried that if I didn't go to mass and she went by herself, people would whisper about my absence.

/small town problems.

From these experiences I decided that, barring my own conversion to Christianity, I was never going to date another extremely Christian person again. If faith is that important to you in a partner, date someone who is Christian. What's so hard about that? Don't expect me to fundamentally alter my beliefs just to suit yours...I wouldn't expect that of you.