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Thread: Confidence?

  1. #31
    Wake, See, Sing, Dance Cellmold's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    What do you mean by that? That you need affirmation?
    Possibly so. Probably parental issues, or I am just a secret narcissist who cant get enough attention.
    'One of (Lucas) Cranach's masterpieces, discussed by (Joseph) Koerner, is in it's self-referentiality the perfect expression of left-hemisphere emptiness and a precursor of post-modernism. There is no longer anything to point to beyond, nothing Other, so it points pointlessly to itself.' - Iain McGilChrist

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  2. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by AffirmitiveAnxiety View Post
    Possibly so. Probably parental issues, or I am just a secret narcissist who cant get enough attention.
    Oh everyone probably needs some level of external validation. I think I probably frame it differently as being seen and understood but it may come from a similar place. Know what I mean?
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    AA, do you know many people in your non-internet life who you are compatible with below the surface level?
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  4. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by Misty View Post
    AA, do you know many people in your non-internet life who you are compatible with below the surface level?
    That's a perceptive question.

    The answer is a definite no and it's driving me a little insane. Whenever I think I can open up to someone and share what I want to say or an idea I've had, I usually get a non-committal "oh OK" and then....that's it.

    Of course I wouldn't mind if they even gave a critique, but no...usually just dismissal. These days I just don't bother and generally I find myself devoid of much to say that is substantial.
    'One of (Lucas) Cranach's masterpieces, discussed by (Joseph) Koerner, is in it's self-referentiality the perfect expression of left-hemisphere emptiness and a precursor of post-modernism. There is no longer anything to point to beyond, nothing Other, so it points pointlessly to itself.' - Iain McGilChrist

    Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
    "Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
    Piglet was comforted by this.
    - A.A. Milne.

  5. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by AffirmitiveAnxiety View Post
    Now I am the first to admit I am often lacking in that most evasive of soul-filling creatures: confidence.

    But how does one attain confidence? And whats more, how does one maintain confidence?
    Sorry if any of this is bad sounding advice... it is only my own personal experience.

    For me, confidence started out as acting. I wasn't confident at all--but showing it didn't really help.. and in fact made me doubt myself more. At least if I hid it, only I knew that I was scared and shy. I don't remember being overly vocal as a little kid, and I still recall many situations where in my head I knew what I wanted to say.. but in reality, I just stood back and said nothing.

    In high school, I had confidence in the sense that I didn't care about the opinions of my peers.. They all seemed stupid and ignorant to me. Which sounds a bit narcissistic, but considering I was bullied a lot at the beginning, it comforted me to think this way.

    When I decided to join the army, I had zero confidence in myself. I sucked at running, I wasn't very strong, I had never touched a gun.. I was a wimpy little girl and I was shy and quiet to boot. Nothing really indicative of someone cut out for the job. That wasn't who I REALLY was, or wanted to be, but that was what I tended to show others.

    Anyways. No one cares if you are confident or not. They tell you to do something, and you do it, confidence or no. Lacking confidence, they pick on you more. I found just talking a bit louder and walking a bit straighter--small adjustments in my outward demeanor--kept leering authoritative eyes off of my back some.

    I think you actually gain real confidence when you start 1 of 2 things: in the case of your ability in x.. when you start to succeed at x or start liking x. And within yourself in general.. whenever you decide that what you are and how you do things is not only acceptable, but comfortable. I started to like who I was becoming when I joined the army.. I realized I had a voice I was lacking in school. A passion for strength and improving. My confidence now comes from the fact that I like who I am, and I am passionate about what I do.

    Acting won't get you long-term-anything. But sometimes, and many times, small adjustments and sentiments tend to be contagious.. they spread like a virus. If you forbid yourself from saying negative things, even if you think negatively.. the way you arrange your thoughts in your head tends to change, so that you can more readily express yourself out loud without worry. If you tell yourself you will not look straight at the ground anymore when you are walking, then you start to notice all the times you really do.. and you feel the adjustment in looking at the world coming towards you, instead of immediately down at your own feet.

    I have a lot of fears.. and many are fairly irrational. I am constantly in a state of adjustment. Of being outside of my comfort zone. Either you pull up some magic confidence from somewhere, or you start to get anxious very quickly. Dealing with stress is something confidence does very very well.

    In some cases it seems confidence is best when an individual is thinking less in-depth in a specific context. Although usually that context is of an immediate physical one. Not to mention the trap between adequate confidence and becoming over-confident, missing necessary risk assessment.
    I think someone trying to actively seek confidence in their lives has little worry of being overly confident. I'd start to worry about one when you stop worrying about the other.

    At other times however preparation and planning brings security and confidence to a person. When contingencies are created a person can happily accept the defeat of one aspect of operation, because they know there is that safety net to fall back on. Although I am curious as to how far people dig into their contingencies and once they are all defeated, how they cope.
    I get defeated a lot too. You just sort of have to trust the way of things. Life has this great tendency to work out when things fail. I've had failures turn into great blessings and great lessons. Like I said.. How you spin things is a big deal for yourself. I can dwell on having a lying ex that costed me quite a bit of money.. or I can realize that I was pretty naive back then, inexperienced, and I now have so many life-long friends based on the people I met through him. The former qualities are still there--but they're pathetically unimportant to the bigger picture. I am confident that I will still meet and date a great guy in my life.. I don't get all jaded and bent up about it. I don't doubt my own abilities and my own looks, despite cruel things said and done to me even recently in my life.

    If I doubt them.. the cruel things still happened. They don't go away when I doubt myself. It isn't the reaction that fixes the situation. I don't think, "Oh, that guy called me a man and said I should eat carpet if I want to be this way.. Maybe I should never leave the house again and stop trying to date.." That doesn't fix the fact the guy said it. That doesn't solve anything. Now.. Understanding he was upset, and said cruel things because his temper got the best of him and that's human nature, to cut right to something to hurt despite maybe regretting it later? Or, even if he was genuine, understanding that not everyone is going to agree with the way I am and how I do things, and that's just okay? That sort of fixes it. That's at least a step in the right direction. He's entitled to his opinions of me. And I'm entitled to tell him to fuck off if he doesn't like who I am. Plenty of other people do.

    This being said; are there really any sets of genuine advice that have a more general application for confidence, outside of the one who gave it?
    Know who you are, and like that person.

    If you don't like who you are.. change it. Start small. Don't say "I hate being anxious." That's enormous. Say, "I don't like that I don't finish tasks." or "I don't like that I don't have any talents." That's something more manageable. You can create real, concrete goals and start making efforts towards things like that. Pick up a task and finish it. Look at some talents like cooking and start working on it.

    Don't get in an existential life crisis when you have to change what you are doing to be who you are. I am not a different person when I am wearing a dress. I used to be really, REALLY caught up about this issue.. people treated me differently when they saw me dressed in a feminine way. It made me so crazy that I rejected ALL women's clothing for a long, long time. Even when I started liking dresses, I felt like I was almost betraying myself to wear them. Now, I feel like I have a practical balance between what I naturally like and what suits the situations I am in. I just had to realize that dresses are suitable for many situations, and that rejecting them was also giving up a piece of who I was.. because I have a lot of practicality in my personality too. I didn't change as a person just because I started wearing more flattering clothes. Even if others did change, *I* didn't.

    Find something you're good at. Even if you suck at everything, the cool part about being good is that almost 100% of the time the good/talented people threw a shit ton of hours into something. If you're the world's worst cook, and you spend enough hours practicing, you will eventually become a somewhat decent cook--which will surpass naturally talented cooks that don't ever practice so they have no idea how good they are. When you have something you're good at, you tend to be at calm and peace. My best friend was never a confident person until she became an English teacher.. does she know everything about everything? No. But after 6+ years of it at school, and almost 6 more years in dedicated English college education? It's fair to say she can handle most things thrown her way in the subject. Which made her more open as a person overall. Even if everything else is confusing and awful.. she's good at that. and she can fall back on that.
    Perhaps illustrated in one of my proudest moments from her. A date had said, "Well, what have you really done with your life?" .. What a dick, right? .. Anyways, her response? "... What have I done? I've gotten an education that I paid for myself, I am part of a system that educates children so that they have the skills they require to swim in this dog-eat-dog world, and I volunteer a lot of my time and energy to my community. If that's not enough for your highness, then I really think my prince is in another castle." I don't know if, lacking her current career, she would have been able to answer that question without crying at how blatantly cruel that was out of no where.
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  6. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by AffirmitiveAnxiety View Post
    That's a perceptive question.

    The answer is a definite no and it's driving me a little insane. Whenever I think I can open up to someone and share what I want to say or an idea I've had, I usually get a non-committal "oh OK" and then....that's it.

    Of course I wouldn't mind if they even gave a critique, but no...usually just dismissal. These days I just don't bother and generally I find myself devoid of much to say that is substantial.
    If that is so, it's not narcissistic to be feeling starved for attention and contact. It's normal. What's not is when someone can't get enough even when they do have intimate support.
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  7. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by AffirmitiveAnxiety View Post
    That's a perceptive question.

    The answer is a definite no and it's driving me a little insane. Whenever I think I can open up to someone and share what I want to say or an idea I've had, I usually get a non-committal "oh OK" and then....that's it.

    Of course I wouldn't mind if they even gave a critique, but no...usually just dismissal. These days I just don't bother and generally I find myself devoid of much to say that is substantial.
    You're talking to the wrong friends, for sure. I've had my friends give me some crazy ideas, and we've discussed for hours on end on whether those ideas were good or not, or whether we could make them work or not.. It sounds like you're talking to people who just don't care about what you have to say. Which is ... whatever, I guess, but they're not your friends if that is the case.

    If you told me an idea, I'd be working with it actively, and I wouldn't consider us anywhere near close friends.
    Kantgirl: Just say "I'm feminine and I'll punch anyone who says otherwise!"
    Halla74: Think your way through the world. Feel your way through life.

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  8. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    i used to be shy when i was a kid...until i came to the conclusion that it was okay to be different. that everyone was different. that just because some people talk louder doesn't mean their opinion is more valid. like...we're all equal and everyone's voice has value...so...i stopped caring rather or not my opinions were the same as others and that sometimes it's important to speak up and say the thing no one else is saying.

    so...whatever confidence i have just comes from that i think...just not being intimidated by other forms of expression and just owning mine....realizing whatever it is is equal and just fine.
    I would say this, too. It's something my sister taught me, I forgot it over time, then remembered it again.

    Added to this is knowing and fully committing to the course of achieving whatever it is I want. That gives me a tremendous amount of confidence.

  9. #39
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    I think there are 2 sides to it (or maybe 2 types of confidence).

    1. based on past successes, knowledge of your capacity to perform

    2. more of an internal confidence based on self-worth, independent of performance


    The first is perhaps more straightforward. In absence of the second, though, the first is kind of tough to come by. Are you talking more about the second?
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  10. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by gromit View Post
    I think there are 2 sides to it (or maybe 2 types of confidence).

    1. based on past successes, knowledge of your capacity to perform

    2. more of an internal confidence based on self-worth, independent of performance


    The first is perhaps more straightforward. In absence of the second, though, the first is kind of tough to come by. Are you talking more about the second?
    It is important to recognize that one can affect the other.

    In the example I used--I am not at all confident in my ability to speak French. I suck at it, and I know I do. However, I am confident and comfortable with who I am, and so making mistakes doesn't embarrass me--which is good, I've sounded like a total slut for days on end in French without ever meaning to.

    On the other side of things, while I was extremely lacking confidence in myself when joining the army, and I was literally shaking with fear when I went to go get my rifle for the first time, my ability to learn the material made me confident in myself overall. When I first started, I knew nothing at all.. but I was excited to learn, and I enjoyed shooting right from the first shot. It was okay that I didn't know how to be perfect at it or anything, I enjoyed the practice and the mistakes made me learn. Later, I was scared of the idea of teaching a class to other soldiers.. I'd never taught a class to anyone else before--I'd always been the student before then. It was outside of my realm. I was teaching the basics of the rifle itself. After having studied it for the course of nearly 4 months, I was really confident in my knowledge of the basics of the subject, and so the class went smooth and I sounded confident as a result--which in turn made my self-confident in my general abilities.

    Both are important.. but if you lack both, take an interest in the more concrete one.. Picking up a new task usually opens up a new social network, with like minded people of various experience levels, and gives you something physically concrete to seek.

    It is really hard to say, "I want to be confident." It is much easier and actually tangible to say, "I want confidence in my ability to cook." or "I want to be confident when going into an interview."
    Kantgirl: Just say "I'm feminine and I'll punch anyone who says otherwise!"
    Halla74: Think your way through the world. Feel your way through life.

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    prplchknz: i don't like it

    In Search Of... ... Kiwi Sketch Art ... Dream Journal ... Kyuuei's Cook book ... Kyu's Tiny House Blog ... Minimalist Challenge ... Kyu's Savings Challenge

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