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Thread: Confidence?

  1. #21
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    Just to pick a couple random points and expand on them...

    Quote Originally Posted by Night View Post
    [...]You are going to lose. Everyone does. It's a mug's game and the end credits are unavoidable; the names in the crawl just differ. So, stop worrying about it. A lot of times fear of failure is linked to a fear of death. Knock it off. You can't control either. So, move on. And don't look back. […]
    This is good. To break it down a bit:

    As a rough rule of thumb, they say it takes 10,000 hours of hard work at something to get truly good at it, i.e., good enough to do it professionally. In other words, most people are only going to get truly good at 1 or 2 or 3 things in their lifetime. As for every other interest or experience they have in life, they're going to be dilettantes and amateurs at those things: They're going to suck at it or bumble through it or fail miserably, or whatever.

    Therefore:

    1) When it comes to the 1 or 2 or 3 things that you get truly good at (typically, the things you choose for a career), focus on choosing something that's a good fit for you: It fits your mission in life, your background, your personality type, or whatever. The better the fit, the easier it is to master things.

    2) As for all the other experiences in life, realize that you're never going to be very good at them. You just don't have the time to get truly good at lots of things. But everyone else is in the same boat as well. So focus on having fun with those things, pick a wide variety of new experiences to sample, and be generous toward those who share those experiences with you (since you're all in the same position). Don't think in terms of win or lose, fail or succeed. You're a dilettante at those things; just have fun with them and try to enjoy the experience with the rest of the dilettantes sharing the moment with you. (Or if the outcome is really important to you, then pay a professional to handle that thing for you; IOW, don't kill yourself trying to second-guess the pros.)

    Also, the following is good stuff for overall attitude toward life:

    Quote Originally Posted by tinker683 View Post
    Confidence is something I had rediscover for myself. For me it's about a few things

    1) Knowing and accepting that you are a human being and that you have inherit worth and value
    2) Knowing and accepting that nobody has the right to treat you disrespectfully and if they do, it is perfectly good and acceptable to stand up for yourself
    3) It's about knowing your limits, pushing yourself to do the best you can, but acknowledging that your best is the most you can do and that some things are simply beyond you control (i.e. the Serenity Pray)
    4) Finally, for me, it's about knowing that while I can't control what life throws at me, I CAN control how I react to these things

    These 4 ideas are what give me the confidence I have today. If I'm trying something new or something I'm unfamiliar with, I put my best foot forward and do my best. It may not be adequate, but I can sleep that night knowing that I at least tried and thats more than most can say.
    Additional "attitude"-type suggestions:

    Remember that you can write the "narrative" of your own life: As for looking backward, celebrate past personal achievements and keep them in front of you; make a "trophy case" of mementos to remind yourself of where you come from and what you've done so far. As for looking forward, be deliberate in your choice of future priorities in life; write up a personal mission statement of where you're heading and what steps you're actually taking to get there, and then update it regularly.

    IOW, don't free-float through life. Devise some Fi tools to anchor yourself and create a "personal narrative" to help identify who you are and what you want to achieve. Keep your goals in front of you.

  2. #22
    Wake, See, Sing, Dance Cellmold's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FLD View Post
    IOW, don't free-float through life. Devise some Fi tools to anchor yourself and create a "personal narrative" to help identify who you are and what you want to achieve. Keep your goals in front of you.
    Is this a general rule of thumb or more for Fi focused people? Although I would hazard my take from it is everyone has that personal side to them and as such should consider this.

    There is some very good advice in this thread. I forget that for me confidence seems to need topping up....or a reminder, this advice in particular hits home on both looking forward and back:

    Quote Originally Posted by FLD View Post
    Remember that you can write the "narrative" of your own life: As for looking backward, celebrate past personal achievements and keep them in front of you; make a "trophy case" of mementos to remind yourself of where you come from and what you've done so far. As for looking forward, be deliberate in your choice of future priorities in life; write up a personal mission statement of where you're heading and what steps you're actually taking to get there, and then update it regularly.
    This is also relatable:

    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    Confidence has been hard for me. I was a confident child but lost my confidence with adolescence. I harbored a lot of body image anxiety for a long time - still have some. And of course as a 6 I struggle with doubt and indecision.

    For me, relearning confidence is two-pronged: one part is in blindly trusting that things will be okay. It's like closing my eyes in water and believing that I'll float. It's actually pleasing, but it's difficult. I have to keep shushing the voices in my head that tell me I need to check and make sure I'm not sinking. The other part is in acknowledgement that me having self-confidence is healthy for me and it's positive for others, too. I'm afraid of confidence in some ways - I don't want to be the idiot who messes everything up because I'm convinced I'm right even when I'm not. But there's a difference between confidence and arrogance, and it's important to be self-confident. Being afraid all the time is even less helpful than being confident but wrong.

    So I guess in response to whether it's acting or sincere, I think it's both. I think you should be sincerely confident in your self-worth. I try (and struggle) to afford myself the same degree of compassion and empowerment that I would automatically give to anyone else. But when I talked about closing my eyes and trusting before, that's acting. It's like suspension of disbelief. You just have to pretend like everything's going to be okay... and then usually... it is. And if it's not, hey, at least I'm a 6, lol.
    I think I'm going to have to generate some mufflers for those voices in the head.
    'One of (Lucas) Cranach's masterpieces, discussed by (Joseph) Koerner, is in it's self-referentiality the perfect expression of left-hemisphere emptiness and a precursor of post-modernism. There is no longer anything to point to beyond, nothing Other, so it points pointlessly to itself.' - Iain McGilChrist

    Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
    "Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
    Piglet was comforted by this.
    - A.A. Milne.

  3. #23
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I think that confidence comes from learning how to navigate new situations successfully. That doesn't mean a lack of failure, but rather the security that comes from knowing what you will do when you encounter failure (which is an inevitable part of becoming good at something).

    For example, when I am preparing music students for a performance, we choose music that allows for a margin of nervousness etc so they are going to be successful, even if they don't play their very best. However, we also talk about what could go wrong and how we can deal with those issues - practicing sufficiently, practicing actually performing the piece, what to do if they start at too fast of a speed, where they could go back to if they or the accompanist loses their place, how to handle it if their instrument goes out of tune or the music falls off the stand, what to do if they have a memory slip in a piece they've memorized, what the etiquette is for the audience they are playing to, what to do if they forget something they need for the performance, how to be gracious whether they win or lose and so on. By having rehearsed what to do when they encounter these problems, they are not surprised if something happens, and there is a plan of attack in place that allows the audience not to have to worry for them.

    I've also found that confidence often comes from tackling something you find difficult or scary which involves some risk and self-sacrifice to accomplish and getting better at it. As you successfully overcome one area, it gives the assurance needed to try the next.

    Ideally, children borrow confidence from the adults around them until they have been walked through new experiences and have learned enough to develop their own sense of self-identity. When this doesn't happen, I believe that confidence is still achievable, but the person needs to recognize that they can't skip over all of those intermediate steps that give them courage to try new things. These smaller in between steps (sometimes things as simple as learning to make a phone call or ask for help or go into an unfamiliar store, etc) are foundational.

    I've found that most people avoid tasks when they are unsure of how to attack them, or they believe they are too daunting. The more they avoid them, tyhe more daunting they become. So I guess for me, confidence is also bound up in learning to break new experiences into bite-sized chunks that are doable. There is some value in finding someone that can help you to do this in one area, but once you learn, I think the same process can apply to many different disciplines and experiences.

    Confidence also comes from knowing whose needs you can provide for and who you are important to - whether emotionally, or through the knowledge or skills you can offer, or physical help you can give. Seeing yourself through someone else's eyes in a positive light can lend enough confidence for you to see your own self as someone that has something to offer the world. I believe this is one reason why people often say that serving others offers them enormous satisfaction and payback, exceeding the investment they have made by far.

    Knowing yourself - where your strengths and weaknesses lie also gives a sense of confidence. You know where you can be most successful, and it is easier to recognize whose help you need to access or what areas need shoring up. You are less likely to try deal with your insecurity or unsureness in offputting ways and instead to go about remedying the problem. There is nothing worse than being in a job that you are not well suited for. Once a person finds work that is fulfilling and which fit their skills, it is extremely motivating and energizing to come to work.

  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by AffirmitiveAnxiety View Post
    Is this a general rule of thumb or more for Fi focused people? Although I would hazard my take from it is everyone has that personal side to them and as such should consider this. […]
    Let me put it this way:

    There are self-help books that help the reader improve Fe skills, such as networking, social skills, etc. A good example is “Never Eat Alone” by Keith Ferrazzi, which is a best-seller on networking. Then there are also self-help books that help the reader improve Fi skills, such as setting goals, defining personal values, and creating narratives for focus and self-improvement. A good example is Stephen Covey’s “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People," which is a self-improvement best-seller.

    Out of the two types of books, Fe-users are probably going to relate best to Ferrazzi's book on networking skills. But they can also learn from Covey's self-improvement book; in fact, Covey's book would probably provide them even greater benefit over the long-term, since Fe-users are naturally going to be weak in that area. Even if Fe-users don't see the benefit of self-improvement books as a rule, a little knowledge can go a long way in an area where one is weak.

    Similarly, Fi-users are probably going to relate best to Covey's self-improvement book. But they can also learn from Ferrazzi's book on networking skills; in fact, if they want to get ahead in the business world, Ferrazzi's book would probably provide them even greater benefit over the long-term, since Fi-users are naturally going to be weak in that area. Even if Fi-users don't see the value of networking, a little knowledge can go a long way in an area where one is weak.

    And so on. You get the picture.

  5. #25
    Wake, See, Sing, Dance Cellmold's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FLD View Post
    And so on. You get the picture.
    I do indeed, well explained, thanks.
    'One of (Lucas) Cranach's masterpieces, discussed by (Joseph) Koerner, is in it's self-referentiality the perfect expression of left-hemisphere emptiness and a precursor of post-modernism. There is no longer anything to point to beyond, nothing Other, so it points pointlessly to itself.' - Iain McGilChrist

    Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
    "Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
    Piglet was comforted by this.
    - A.A. Milne.

  6. #26
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    - knowledge your capabilities and what you can push yourself to do

    - knowledge of what depths you can survive and that you did survive them

    I'd say that those two have worked just fine for me
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  7. #27
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    This is my confidence -

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_(psychology)

    The opposite of egotism.

    I feel like it probably relates to @superunknown's thought.
    I've found ways to induce it, and I'm admittedly a bit too cocksure about that when I'm not actualizing the process of "flow". What can you do?

  8. #28
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    i used to be shy when i was a kid...until i came to the conclusion that it was okay to be different. that everyone was different. that just because some people talk louder doesn't mean their opinion is more valid. like...we're all equal and everyone's voice has value...so...i stopped caring rather or not my opinions were the same as others and that sometimes it's important to speak up and say the thing no one else is saying.

    so...whatever confidence i have just comes from that i think...just not being intimidated by other forms of expression and just owning mine....realizing whatever it is is equal and just fine.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  9. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    i used to be shy when i was a kid...until i came to the conclusion that it was okay to be different. that everyone was different. that just because some people talk louder doesn't mean their opinion is more valid. like...we're all equal and everyone's voice has value...so...i stopped caring rather or not my opinions were the same as others and that sometimes it's important to speak up and say the thing no one else is saying.

    so...whatever confidence i have just comes from that i think...just not being intimidated by other forms of expression and just owning mine....realizing whatever it is is equal and just fine.
    Id love to be able to do that. But my confidence seems to keep needing to be topped up and the method always changes.
    'One of (Lucas) Cranach's masterpieces, discussed by (Joseph) Koerner, is in it's self-referentiality the perfect expression of left-hemisphere emptiness and a precursor of post-modernism. There is no longer anything to point to beyond, nothing Other, so it points pointlessly to itself.' - Iain McGilChrist

    Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
    "Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
    Piglet was comforted by this.
    - A.A. Milne.

  10. #30
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AffirmitiveAnxiety View Post
    Id love to be able to do that. But my confidence seems to keep needing to be topped up and the method always changes.
    What do you mean by that? That you need affirmation?
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

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