Meh. I have difficulty with this. Strong-willed and egotistical . . . I tend towards being highly competitive. I look for challenges. I look for things to fight against and conquer . . . there's a lot of fucked up power dynamics. My self worth is fragile because there's always someone out there that can beat me . . . at everything. I'm good at a lot of things (I'm not sure if this is a fucken curse) . . . but good never is enough . . . and I never feel I am good enough. I can make people around me feel like shit, rather unintentionally, because it takes A LOT for me to feel appreciative of someone's efforts. I try to be nice . . . but it isn't my nature to say shit I don't mean. I make myself miserable by never feeling anything is good enough. Probably has to do with being pretty heavily abused physically and psychologically as a kid . . . and being an orphan . . . which just probably on some level always makes a person question why they were tossed. Holy fucken balls, I read threads like this . . . and man, I'm a god damn asshole.
But ugh, I think other people are probably just as attached to not dying and not being in pain . . . and I think most humans are fucken clueless. And life is shitty you know . . . if someone gives me shitty service at a restaurant, I tend to still tip pretty well, like benefit of the doubt thing . . . maybe they are having a bad week or year or fucken life. I don't want to make people's lives shittier . . . you know straw breaking the camels back type BS. I try to laugh off most crappy situations and I partly think I do that to make the situation less shitty. So maybe that is another way with regard to other humans where I try to maintain this to have self worth. I also am pretty honest in my dealings with others and I don't ever gossip . . . using the general rule that if it would have to be said in hushed whisper if the other person was around, I don't want anything to do with it. But I can justify a lot of shit . . . so I do some fucked up crap. I don't know. Sure as fuck am not an outlandishly nice person. I'm working on that.