we got in a bit of a debate earlier about whether we thought that religion was a positive or negative influence on our lives and I started thinking...
my mom is the 70s variety of folk music listening christian who believes that jesus loves everyone- I think that I disappointed her by refusing to go through confirmation or get baptized when the time came... I didn't really see a point to it since I didn't really believe in anything nonetheless, because she believed that we should definitely attend church and sunday school (she even read us bedtime stories from the picture bible as kids) I ended up learning plenty about religion and at least having certain bits influence me even though I could never manage to believe on my own- I think that I was born with a broken belief mechanism... I never even believed in Santa Claus as a kid
somehow the idea of an all loving deity never caught on... the idea that there is anyone who cares about me who doesn't know me personally just never clicked... the idea that I should feel guilty whenever I do something wrong certainly did. my mother's tendency to punish by informing me that she was so disappointed in me and then starting to cry probably didn't help. I doubt that she ever meant for things to turn out so that I would eventually end up feeling guilty.
I've done a lot of shit that I SHOULD feel bad about... I've screwed over a lot of people in the past, I've let a lot of people down... I have no idea how I would even begin to go about fixing things... should I just move on forward and try to do good? that seems like the correct answer, but it doesn't feel right. I can't fix things and I'm disgusted with myself for being so impotent in setting wrongs right. I feel guilty and there's no way to go back and fix things. I'm pissed off at the idea of religion in general because it makes it seem so easy and it's not... things aren't as easy as just saying to some non-corporeal being that your sorry... you still know that you did it... how are you supposed to live with that?