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Why is love not high up on my agenda?

Ezra

Luctor et emergo
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Dec 12, 2007
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I dunno why, but romantic relationships simply aren't important to me. I don't feel deficient in any way; I'm just interested to know the cause, and whether anyone else feels like this (and maybe if it's type related too).
 

Athenian200

Protocol Droid
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I dunno why, but romantic relationships simply aren't important to me. I don't feel deficient in any way; I'm just interested to know the cause, and whether anyone else feels like this (and maybe if it's type related too).

1. Some philosophies put forth the idea that after mentally developing to a certain point, the beauty of knowledge/wisdom as a whole becomes more important to you than the beauty of an individual, physical human being (which is the basis for romantic relationships). That could be what you're experiencing.

2. Not everyone has the same level of need for passion and romance in their lives. It might just not be a strong need/priority for you as an individual (especially with inferior Fi). You probably know what you need, and what you don't need at this point in your life.

3. You may be dealing with something else in your life right now that doesn't permit you to feel comfortable focusing on such things.

4. You might have an unconscious aversion to such relationships due to a bad past experience that you believed you'd gotten over.

5. You may be putting most of your resources towards achieving a particular goal, and thus not considering anything that doesn't work towards that goal in your agenda.
 

Valiant

Courage is immortality
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2. Not everyone has the same level of need for passion and romance in their lives. It might just not be a strong need/priority for you as an individual (especially with inferior Fi). You probably know what you need, and what you don't need at this point in your life.

3. You may be dealing with something else in your life right now that doesn't permit you to feel comfortable focusing on such things.

4. You might have an unconscious aversion to such relationships due to a bad past experience that you believed you'd gotten over.

I guess these arguments holds the most water. At least for me, as an ENTJ.
There have been fairly long periods of time in my life in wich i've been almost completely without interest for anything else than brief sexual contact.
There might be another factor here, too. I've found that I analyze 99.9% of all people and deem them unfit for friendship and 99.999% are unfit/incompatible for seriously meant relationships.
Right now I have managed to fint that 0.001% and i actually have a girlfriend and a couple of really good friends, but just a couple of years ago I had neither.
 

FDG

pathwise dependent
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Because you haven't found a girl that has made you fall in love.
 

skip

New member
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Mar 17, 2008
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95
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Young is my guess, too. Aren't ENTJs are more interested in being little generals to others instead of loving them, anyway?
 

FDG

pathwise dependent
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Young is my guess, too. Aren't ENTJs are more interested in being little generals to others instead of loving them, anyway?

You forgot about sadism and rape.
 

swordpath

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I believe it can be cyclic. You may go through periods of loneliness and desire for a companion and then at other periods of life, not feel you want/need it. What determines how those cycles shift, I dunno.
 

wedekit

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Well, I would think of this as a good mindset. A lot of people search for love and never find it because they are searching for things that are just too far out of reach. You might end up being one of those lucky people that has love fall into their unsuspecting lap one day. Just because it isn't on your agenda doesn't mean it wont happen. (If that was the case I would rearrange my agenda. ;)) If you don't consider love a priority then you will be less likely to have expectations that are too high for your partner when (or if) you find them.

Basically what I'm saying is think of all the positive things too.
 

Totenkindly

@.~*virinaĉo*~.@
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Q: Why is love not high up on my agenda?
A: Cuz you haven't met me yet?

(Just saying.)

Mostly what others are said. Some people enjoy their freedom and find what small attachments they have (or large non-romantic attachments) to be more than enough to satisfy their needs for intimacy.

But we can also cycle throughout life. You might change at some point and feel like you are missing out.
 

substitute

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I dunno why, but romantic relationships simply aren't important to me. I don't feel deficient in any way; I'm just interested to know the cause, and whether anyone else feels like this (and maybe if it's type related too).

Yes, I have always felt just that way.

I was recently with a counsellor for bereavement, and I mentioned that i get grief from people who try to talk me into wanting one, or into thinking it's important for me, but she said they're just getting carried away with amateur pop psych stuff and think they're helping me, but in fact in her opinion it's perfectly normal that some people just don't feel that romantic relationships are where they're primarily headed. And I'm one of those people. it doesn't mean you're asexual necessarily - in my experience, when I've wanted to/when the time's come, I've had no difficulty at all with summoning lust/desire/libido. It's just that between 'those times' it was never something that occurred to me as a driving force at all.

I do have some theories as to why this is with me, but I don't want to bore everyone to death so I'll leave it there and see if anyone actually wants to know before spouting off (for once lol)
 

Seanan

Procrastinating
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Feb 18, 2008
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954
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I do have some theories as to why this is with me, but I don't want to bore everyone to death so I'll leave it there and see if anyone actually wants to know before spouting off (for once lol)

I wanna know!:)
 

substitute

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I wanna know!:)

Um, okay...

Well, it starts with the question: what are romantic relationships for? There are various possible answers:

1. Procreation/sex - nah-uh. Don't need a relationship for that.
2. Raising children 'wholesomely' (excuse a single parent for barfing)
3. To fulfil social obligations/expectations - yeah right, as if I'd care about that
4. To fulfil psychological needs

I personally think that, taking into account the numerous childless couples who have been happily married for years and would feel lost without each other, I think that what they're really for is for two people who compliment and complete each other to live together in an environment where compromise, empathy, understanding and other good qualities need to be developed in order to build a better relationship and more mature, well-rounded people. I believe they're essentially a path to self-actualization, if you get the right person.

But it's not the only path. it's the only one for people to whom it's important to have and raise kids. But although in the generic sense one could say we're biologically 'meant' to want to have kids, that it's an instinct etc, there is such huge individual variation on just about every physical matter to do with humans, including DNA and numbers of chromosomes, otherwise you'd start arguing that kids with Down's Syndrome were not human, which of course they are. Not everyone is desperate to procreate, but most people want to live fulfilled lives and become the best person they can be. Not everyone is desperate to self-actualize and reach enlightenment, but most people enjoy sex at the time. Same thing, you dig? Someone being more into relationships and having a family doesn't automatically mean they're not interested at all in helping their wider human family, they've just made a choice that's right for them and so have to commit to it. Likewise, people who choose a different 'vocation' to the family life, or marriage, it doesn't necessarily mean there's anything hugely wrong with their libido or anything, it just means they've other things they're more interested in, in order to follow which they have to make a sacrifice, which they choose to make and don't find particularly difficult any more than the happily married woman with lovely kids would find it difficult to resist the 'temptation' to join a convent.

I think that for some people, other paths to self-actualization are more effective. I've felt for a long time that for me, it's not a romantic partner I need to find and develop a long-term relationship with in order to become the best person I can be, but a 'patron' of sorts. That simbiotic relationship that can exist between spouses can equally exist between a person who is 'born to rule' as it were and one who is 'born to enable', and the ones they both serve - the people whose lives are meant to be made better by the pastoral care of the leader and 'king's counsellor' type figure.

What I do better than anything else, and better than most people I've known, is 'find ways'. All someone has to do is to tell me something can't be done, and within twenty minutes I've already thought of a dozen ways to do it, and I know they'll all work. So long as I do them. What some other people do really well is to figure out what needs to be done, to dream visions and goals and that sorta thing, but they tend to not be too great at making it happen on their own, often largely because they stumble at hurdles, thinking everything's ruined/lost/whatever because things didn't go according to plan. I can make almost any situation workable. I'm the nil desperandum guy to the drunken wreck of a leader who's sobbing like a baby because all his plans are in ruins and his wonderful vision will never come to be.

When I do what I do, I help people, I become a better person myself in the things I learn. Much like people who want romantic relationships start out with an idealized vision of their perfect partner, and have unrealistic expectations and failed relationships because of these before becoming more realistic and mature and finding the right person, who helps them become better exactly because they're not perfect themselves... in much the same way, I've been with looking for a leader.

I say leader, but patron really is more what I mean. I need a person to pick me up and put me in places where I can shine. Without that, I'm just a ball of untapped potential. But these patron types need balls of untapped potential to shine for them and make their dreams happen. My dream is only to untap my potential and use my talents to the fullest, for the benefit of others.

So, whilst most people spend their lives envisioning and looking for their perfect romantic partner, I've spent mine envisioning and looking for my perfect patron. And over time, I've become more realistic, i've learned a lot through the 'false alliances' i've got into and had to get out of.

It's kinda unfair that the perception from the outside is, people just see 'oh look he was all over this guy and thought he was the greatest and couldn't do enough for him, and now all of a sudden he's saying the guy's useless and he wants to work for someone else'. And they see it as me being fickle.

But I think that's really unfair, cos they wouldn't say of a person who was in an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship with someone who really obviously wasn't the right partner for them, that they had to keep flogging a dead horse, would they? And it's just the same thing for me. I'm just looking for that person and cause that will allow me to align myself and actualize myself to the fullest.

Take this with a pinch of salt because I just dashed it off in ten minutes, having guests here this evening and therefore not the leisure to make carefully considered posts! :(
 

CzeCze

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Romantic relationships are not the only source and definition of "love". Romantic relationship are a very specific aspect of "love".

I thought from the title maybe you were going to say you didn't feel a need for any kind of love, i.e. affection, which I don't think is type related or accurate -- everyone needs to feel love/validation/support and it makes life more fulfilling. Whether its familial love or universal love or love/passion of your job or a cause. And don't forget about self-love! You really need that. And I'm a big proponent of the universal love idea as well.

But if it's just that you don't mind being single -- meh. Some people are more independent or even more wary and selective of who they feel comfortable sharing with. And perhaps you've gotten actively burned in the past or have just not had any memorable experiences that really turn you onto the idea of being with someone?

And yeah, the whole cyclical thing that TBGO mentions.

Not prioritizing romantic relationships as a single person (especially say as a 30 year or younger) and especially a single person working more single mindedly towards a career or eduacational goal -- it's pretty normal actually. And I think it's doubly socially acceptable and even expected that men not prioritize romantic relationships or the need to 'settle down' as much as women.

And yeah, some people more than others are more loners as opposed to serial monogamists. I wouldn't necessarily classify it as 'not prioritizing love' (unless that's how you actually see it yourself) but also look at it in terms of desire for companionship and family orientation. For some people, having a lot of friends or babysitting nieces/nephews is enough family and companionship for them.
 

SillySapienne

`~~Philosoflying~~`
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*jealous*

I prioritize romantic love way too high on my life list, yuck.
 

pure_mercury

Order Now!
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*jealous*

I prioritize romantic love way too high on my life list, yuck.

I do, too. And it can be very dangerous for someone who attracts/is attracted to women who often have emotional problems, substance abuse problems, are younger and more immature, etc.
 

SillySapienne

`~~Philosoflying~~`
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I do, too. And it can be very dangerous for someone who attracts/is attracted to women who often have emotional problems, substance abuse problems, are younger and more immature, etc.
Lol, this reminds me of something my sister told me, which is, "With great women come great problems"

It is true. To be a crazy woman. :wub:
 

substitute

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Romance can be for some people Dana, but I don't think love = romance and I'm pretty sure Ezra doesn't think that either. I'm sure he loves say, his mom for example.

Actually that's something that does, incidentally, kinda bug me, the way that people tend to automatically think, when you say 'love', that you mean romantic love, as if it's the only kind or at least the ideal kind, the one everyone should be or is striving for. So like people who say they don't think they're suited to romance get called 'cold' and stuff. I know in my case nothing's further from the truth - I'm very passionate and love lots of people. Just cos I don't want to sleep with them doesn't mean I'm cold. In fact I think it'd be just as easy for me to invalidate romantic love and make it look less good compared to what I have, cos I love a person for themselves and see them as an individual person - almost sacred - not a means of obtaining physical pleasure. That's just as seditious a twisting of romantic love as people who are into romantic love do to me when they insist there's got to be something wrong with me, some disorder or something that makes me just not seek relationships on a romantic level.
 
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