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Thread: Ask God

  1. #171

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    Quote Originally Posted by wheelchairdoug View Post
    Dear God,

    Are you really going to send half of humanity into a pit of eternal pain and suffering just because you're too lazy to bother making your existence known?
    Wow, wheelchairdoug...really? I don't know where to begin with that. It combines all the worst misinterpretations of me into one concise little question.

    First of all, I don't send anyone to hell. Didn't you ever have that one smug teacher that gave you an F and said, "I didn't fail you, wheelchairdoug...you failed yourself"? Well, I hate to say so, and I hope she's not reading this, but that teacher was right.

    As to the second part of your question, you are the first person I've encountered that has attributed the mystery of my existence to sloth. How lazy do you have to be to not just wave and say, "Yes, I'm really here. Sup?" Are you saying that I'd put in all the work of creating the entire universe, but not say hi because I feel like watching a little TV instead? You may not like my plan, but rest assured, it is a plan. Getting back to the point of your question, I find fault with your assertion that people go to hell because I do not reveal myself in plain sight. There are plenty of people in heaven, and I didn't send a singing telegram only to them. There is ample evidence for those who want to see it. It's true that everyone in hell was not explicitly told of my existence. But correlation does not prove causation.

    Quote Originally Posted by Antimony View Post
    Dear God,

    Please don't destroy the earth.

    Wait, I have to form that into a question...

    Dear God,

    What is, please do not destroy the earth?
    Antimony,

    Jeopardy! is my favorite show, too! That Trebek bugs me, though. When he reads the answer like he knew it all along, he sounds like he thinks he knows as much as me! I'd like to see how well his ass would do without those little blue cards!

    But I digress. As I've mentioned before, I don't really DO things. I let things happen. And I'm afraid that, by the rules of the physical universe I've set up, eventually the Earth will be destroyed. The most likely cause will be the Sun expanding and burning the Earth to a crisp. Second most likely is a pandemic of antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea. Third is poison monkeys. On the bright side, you will be long dead by the time any of these happen. So take heart! And thanks for enjoying my creation enough that you don't want it to go away.
    Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight.

    Johari
    /Nohari

  2. #172
    Post Human Post Qlip's Avatar
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    Dear God,

    I would like a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas with a compass in the stock and... a pair of goggles. Don't tell me this is Santa's job, I know the truth.

  3. #173
    You're fired. Lol. Antimony's Avatar
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    Dear God,

    Why would there be poison monkeys and not me?

    I'M NOT LOVED ENOUGH BY YOU!!!
    Excuse me, but does this smell like chloroform to you?

    Always reserve the right to become smarter at a future point in time, for only a fool limits themselves to all they knew in the past. -Alex

  4. #174
    Writing... Tamske's Avatar
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    Dear God,

    This was the best answer I've ever had about souls.

    Quote Originally Posted by EffEmDoubleyou View Post
    1. Souls are made of 80% polyester, 10% ground unicorn horn, 6% high fructose corn syrup, and 4% proprietary substances. Souls are permeable when inside the body, but become impenetrable outside it. The mechanism for such a thing is in that secret 4%. Sorry!
    Now you DO know I'm going to experiment, don't you?
    2. I do give souls to humans. I give souls to sentient beings that have the capacity to reason and exercise free will. It's quite possible that you might meet a neanderthal in heaven. (For instance, George "The Animal" Steele is up here.) But keep in mind that such delineations are a human construct, not a godly one.
    So I expect not so much humans there, but lots of dolphins and, of course, mice...
    Got questions? Ask an ENTP!
    I'm female. I just can't draw women

  5. #175
    #KUWK Kierva's Avatar
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    God, are you bovvered?
    C#2-C#5-F#5
    3 octaves, 2 notes and 1 semitone
    Supported range: F#2-F#4-C#5

  6. #176
    #KUWK Kierva's Avatar
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    C#2-C#5-F#5
    3 octaves, 2 notes and 1 semitone
    Supported range: F#2-F#4-C#5

  7. #177
    Senior Member wildflower's Avatar
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    God, since you also live in LA would you do something about the traffic? how about another carmaggedon? i'd like to drive to the westside in 10 minutes please.

  8. #178

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    Quote Originally Posted by Wind-up Rex View Post
    [YOUTUBE="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5X4N2exOsU"]Cookie Monster's Away on Business[/YOUTUBE]
    So let it be written, so let it be told: C is for cookie, and that's good enough for me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Haven View Post
    God, does that one girl like me? You know who I'm talking about. The hot runner that's getting her masters in physics.
    Haven,

    You know I can't tell you that, it's not fair. Sometimes you have to show your work, you know? Ask her out, and you'll feel much better if she says yes than if I'd made your path smoother. Good luck!
    Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight.

    Johari
    /Nohari

  9. #179

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    Quote Originally Posted by Qlip View Post
    Dear God,

    I would like a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas with a compass in the stock and... a pair of goggles. Don't tell me this is Santa's job, I know the truth.
    Qlip,

    Your disbelief in Santa notwithstanding, I don't give presents. I give gifts. Damn, that's good! I should have t-shirts made up.

    Besides, you'll shoot your eye out.


    Quote Originally Posted by Antimony View Post
    Dear God,

    Why would there be poison monkeys and not me?

    I'M NOT LOVED ENOUGH BY YOU!!!
    Antimony,

    To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven. The Byrds said it, and before that Ecclesiastes said it, and it's still true. Besides, do you really still want to be on Earth in 3,500 years when the poison monkeys take over?*

    *Allegedly

    Quote Originally Posted by Tamske View Post
    Dear God,

    This was the best answer I've ever had about souls.
    Why thank you, Tamske! A blessing on you and yours!
    Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight.

    Johari
    /Nohari

  10. #180

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    Quote Originally Posted by Uwace View Post
    God, are you bovvered?
    Uwace,

    Not by a long shot.


    Quote Originally Posted by Uwace View Post
    I am not offended by jokes at my expense. As long as they're funny. [lighting strike]
    Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight.

    Johari
    /Nohari

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