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  1. #71
    Senior Member bluebell's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Athenian200 View Post
    I refuse. I curse this life, and everyone who appreciates it. I will not learn to drink this filth gleefully.
    Your choice of words is telling. You seem to have a disgust reaction to ambiguity - disentangling the reasons for such a strong reaction may help you in the long run.
    ...so much smoke pouring out of each chromosome.

  2. #72
    Senior Member alcea rosea's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Athenian200 View Post
    I refuse. I curse this life, and everyone who appreciates it. I will not learn to drink this filth gleefully.
    I'm sorry to hear that but it's your choice. Life can be fun with people but it involves risks too. Risk of being rejected and to be hurt.

  3. #73
    unscannable Tigerlily's Avatar
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    I'm curious as to how you became this way. The obvious one, neglected and/or ridiculed as a child? You definitely have a vibe about you where I don't trust you nor would I confide in you. We have spoken a few times via pm and I am always sure not to say anything that I wouldn't want repeated.

    You're an intelligent person but you appear negative and bitter. Your words above could possibly be leading down an early path of healing those deep wounds. I would say you're really at war with yourself and I do empathize with you regarding this.
    Time is a delicate mistress.

  4. #74
    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
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    Everything is disgusting because it has no order. Only order is beautiful or meaningful, everything else is filth and ugliness to me. So the only way I can get any pleasure out of life is to continually impose my idea of order on everything I have control over, and try to appreciate those things while they last (which they won't), because they will be the only things worth appreciating.

    Sorry, I can't think of a better description... I remember drawing and thinking about things like this even when I was very young, almost as if the idea were innate for me.

  5. #75
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Athenian200 View Post
    I refuse. I curse this life, and everyone who appreciates it. I will not learn to drink this filth gleefully.
    If you can enjoy life with out people kudos to you. I tried and though I'm not one to be the life of the party or have more friends than I can count on one hand I could not stand not having anyone to talk to ever.

    I'm beginning to understand why people risk getting hurt it beats being lonely. Though part of me still wants to go hide from the world and never interact with it, but that's the part of me who is a kid It's not fair it was my toy! make him give it back/mommy he hit me!" luckily their's the other side of me realizing I have to share and people are sometimes shitty but sometimes they're also very nice. We all have good days and bad days and if someone is particularly mean to me I figure maybe their day is shit it doesn't mean I'm not hurt. If someone betrays me I'm mad, who wouldn't it's just I trust the person less the next time I talk to them. I do forgive pretty easily though

    I doubt my post helped any but felt I needed to share.

    I have a feeling we are two opposites when it comes to justice and I'm sure somewhere in the middle would be best so maybe I could try to be more like you and understand that laws and rules exist and that they are laws for a reason (even if I don't agree with them). I obey them cuz I'm so scared of confrontation or if I do break a law I make sure no one will find out.
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  6. #76
    Senior Member bluebell's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Athenian200 View Post
    Everything is disgusting because it has no order. Only order is beautiful or meaningful, everything else is filth and ugliness to me. So the only way I can get any pleasure out of life is to continually impose my idea of order on everything I have control over, and try to appreciate those things while they last (which they won't), because they will be the only things worth appreciating.

    Sorry, I can't think of a better description... I remember drawing and thinking about things like this even when I was very young, almost as if the idea were innate for me.
    I think I kinda understand the need for order and control - it can make things feel safe and predictable. Although, by the sounds of it, you find it beautiful.

    I'm not sure I get why ambiguities etc feel like filth and ugliness to you. I can understand being bewildered or annoyed by ambiguity, but the disgust reaction is confusing. A desire for order and control can be innate, but I'm guessing the disgust reaction is learned, rather than innate.
    ...so much smoke pouring out of each chromosome.

  7. #77
    unscannable Tigerlily's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Athenian200 View Post
    Everything is disgusting because it has no order. Only order is beautiful or meaningful, everything else is filth and ugliness to me. So the only way I can get any pleasure out of life is to continually impose my idea of order on everything I have control over, and try to appreciate those things while they last (which they won't), because they will be the only things worth appreciating.
    I understand what you're saying. I feel the same way only I control it better. Now when you say order, do you mean everything or just people? I like my house cleaned a certain way and when it isn't that way I am not happy. There are times where I'll become so overwhelmed when things aren't just so that I have to step back and look at how unrealistic I'm being and stop myself from doing it. I feel that way about people too. I stopped giving out advice and hanging on to it years ago because people will do what they want to do even if it means they're doing it all wrong in my mind.

    Sorry, I can't think of a better description... I remember drawing and thinking about things like this even when I was very young, almost as if the idea were innate for me.
    Thanks, but I get what you're saying. You're neurotic (so am I sometimes) and likely have OCD. Have you considered medication to help alleviate these things or are you happy this way?
    Time is a delicate mistress.

  8. #78
    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jen View Post
    I understand what you're saying. I feel the same way only I control it better. Now when you say order, do you mean everything or just people? I like my house cleaned a certain way and when it isn't that way I am not happy. There are times where I'll become so overwhelmed when things aren't just so that I have to step back and look at how unrealistic I'm being and stop myself from doing it. I feel that way about people too. I stopped giving out advice and hanging on to it years ago because people will do what they want to do even if it means they're doing it all wrong in my mind.
    I don't need to control other people, I only want to prevent them from controlling me so that I can have control over myself. I don't like the idea of being controlled by them, when such control would be based on whims rather than having any particular order.

    Also, I find beauty in order, but not in randomness or ambiguity. To say that things are chaotic and have no order, is to me to say that there is no beauty or meaning in anything. After thinking about it, I realize they probably weren't right (or I misread their statement), and there actually is order and beauty in at least some things, they just don't value or notice it the way I do. And that makes things easier for me.

    Thanks, but I get what you're saying. You're neurotic (so am I sometimes) and likely have OCD. Have you considered medication to help alleviate these things or are you happy this way?
    I'm happy much of the time, actually... just a few situations come up that disgust me like this periodically.

  9. #79
    Large Member Ender's Avatar
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    Wow, you really do have issues.

    Claiming you don't want anyone to control you or that you don't want to control anyone else. Then turning around and talking about how you want laws to be follow to the letter and that you find beauty in order.

    You do realize that rules are there as a way of controlling the actions of people? That by following them to the letter you're letting yourself be controlled by those who put them in place and who enforce them? That the only way to go about enforcing them yourself is to assert control over whoever would break the rules?

    Talk about hypocritical.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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    I don't want it, I just need it, to breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive.

    Never take life to seriously.. No one gets out alive in the end anyway.

  10. #80
    mrs disregard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Athenian200 View Post
    I refuse. I curse this life, and everyone who appreciates it. I will not learn to drink this filth gleefully.
    Men are born soft and supple;
    dead, they are stiff and hard.
    Plants are born tender and pliant;
    dead, they are brittle and dry.

    Thus whoever is stiff and inflexible
    is a disciple of death.
    Whoever is soft and yielding
    is a disciple of life.

    The hard and stiff will be broken.
    The soft and supple will prevail.

    --Lao Tzu

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